Should I Stay, or Should I Go?

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This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 14, 2015 at 7:49 am #81816
Victoria
Participant
I’m 27 and my partner is 30. We have been together for 4 years. We moved in with one another very quickly after meeting..Like within two weeks. Since then we’ve done some amazing things, traveled to some beautiful places, and have both grown greatly as indivudals within these last 4 years. I love who we both have become.

I love him. I really love him with all my heart! He is an amazing soul! He’s super kind, and ridiculously faithful and loyal. He loves me so much, and he makes this known daily. He would do anything to make this relationship last.

However, there have been some moments in our relationship that make me want to run. There are things he does that I truly can’t stand at all. I also feel our “tastes” and personalities differ greatly. I find myself alone, and often missing my adventurous self.

But then again it feels insanely comfortable with him, and I know I can be myself around him always.

However, I don’t feel that happy with him anymore. I used to love dressing up for him and going out on dates, but now I just find them boring, and then I feel guilty b/c I feel horrible about it.

Lately I have begun to get that traveling urge, and I don’t see him in the picture. I see myself visiting my friends and having good times without him. At the same time he has begun to remind me more and more how much he needs me and couldn’t live without me, which only feels more and more suffocating. I feel it’s becoming a compromise and a chore versus being here for the true love I once felt.

But, if I choose to leave I now I know I am leaving a beyond great man. The kinda guy who works all day, hits the gym, and still manages to go to whole foods and come home with all your favorite things, plus the occasional bouquet of roses.

I feel I will be losing a great person and a serious part of myself.

I’m scared to be honest. I wish the little voice in my head that says “go” would just quiet and leave me alone… What if this is a phase?

Will the gypsy in me leave me regretting I left an amazing man?
- This topic was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Victoria.
- This topic was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Victoria.
August 14, 2015 at 8:37 am #81821

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anandashala:

You wrote it feels “insanely comfortable” with him. What an interesting phrase: INSANELY comfortable. First time I encounter it. Can you examine this phrase and tell me what it means to you? I am thinking feeling insane is not comfortable, is it? I am very curious.

You wrote that he “loves (you) so much.” Love is a word with so many meanings and often it is an empty word. From what you describe, it means a lot: he does a lot for you. But there is something he is doing that is NOT loving to you. Or something he IS doing that is unloving. What is it?

You wrote that he is “super kind”- but in some way he is unkind to you. Is it possible that he is the kinda guy who works all day, hits the gym, and still manages to go to whole foods and come home with all your favorite things, plus the occasional bouquet of roses and then tells you that you owe him for those things, that the price for these things is that you … eliminate a certain part of yourself?

anita

August 14, 2015 at 8:54 am #81823

Anonymous
Inactive

You NEED to read this particular piece of writing, I implore you.

It’s by Cheryl Strayed. It’s from her days of writing for an online advice column called Dear Sugar.

If you don’t want to read the whole thing, please read her response.

http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

“Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.”

August 15, 2015 at 6:10 pm #81864

TriangleSun
Participant

My ex left me saying that she loves me and i’m the most amazing man she’s ever been with. 4 months later i’m still devastated and she’s pretty happy doing whatever she’s doing. So having looked at her experience, I can probably say “go” because you’ll find somebody else. Nobody’s irreplaceable. I just hope you talked to him about this concerning you and tried to work it out before giving him the news. Communicating this is obviously important because it could just be a phase and you two just have to work it out.

However, I would also question if you actually love him. In my mind, love isn’t doubted or questioned. It sounds like you’re very attached to him, love his company and how he treats you, and you genuinely care for him and… perhaps mistake it for love? If i loved someone I’d never consider leaving them unless we absolutely couldn’t work something out. The thought wouldn’t even enter my mind. I’d also hope that you take away something from the relationship. Why did it fail or is failing? Because if you don’t clearly understand why you’ll likely be dealing with it again.

And finally, here is my perspective from personal experience of being on the receiving end of the same situation. I read the description of your bf and it resonated with me because that’s what my ex was telling about me when she left. I, like your bf, suffocated her with love. I think at the end of the day if you give your lover too much attention it basically fires right back at you. It’s actually more destructive to the relationship than arguments and fighting. It’s completely counter-intuitive but giving 100% of yourself to someone you love is going to hurt. Instead maybe try to focus on your own goals and your own image a bit more. I read somewhere about a study that showed people find their partner more attractive when they seem them do something that they excel at or love (being on a stage, public speaking, writing, etc). It basically rekindles the mystery and the sparks. So focus on yourself before focusing on your partner otherwise you’ll be suffocating them with love that you’re not giving yourself. Good luck to you and I really hope you work it out!

August 16, 2015 at 3:43 am #81867

Patra Gills
Participant

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August 16, 2015 at 4:39 am #81869

Inky
Participant

I would start with taking that trip without him. Then see how you feel.

August 16, 2015 at 8:02 am #81872

Anonymous
Guest

* Note to TriangleSun – I agree with your conclusion, what you learned from your terminated relationship, but there is more to learn from your experience, I believe. I would like to suggest a possibility to you, to Victoria, to the reader, for consideration.

I think that the problem with Victoria’s bf interactions with Victoria and with TriangleSun’s behavior with ex may be not that each of you loved your woman too much, gave her too much love. I think love is in very short supply and there is no such thing as too much love, as I understand love to be. I think that what either one gave too much of is personal power. TriangleSun, didn’t you give your ex all your power, not all your love? Did you make her responsible for your feelings- gave her all you could so that she will make your life worth living? In that giving of power, of responsibity there is a great burden to the receiver.

The burden dealing with a bf/ partner that DOES so much for you, that is so “loving” is that whenever the partner feel badly, then I (the gf) feel bad, responsible for any negative feeling, any problem. My fault. I am wrong. Something is wrong with me. After all, it couldn’t be my partner- he – or she is perfect- completely loving.

Love as I see it has to integrate the concept of self responsibility, taking care of oneself. This is the conclusion you arrived at, TraingleSun, only you may not be seeing that you did not love her in that you made her responsible for your feelings, you gave her not only roses and positive actions but also you gave her a BURDEN. At the least it is not an issue of too much love. It is an issue of burden that is the problem…

anita

August 16, 2015 at 9:34 am #81873

TriangleSun
Participant

@anita, I may not be following you here. I agree the issue is one of burden. Is it the burden of expecting to give back while not being able to? Doesn’t it just come down to a one-sided love affair where one person mistakes being comfortable, secure and attached to their partner as love? I don’t really see it as anything but that. Love doesn’t create burdens, which is why i think letting go is absolutely the right thing to do even if it pains the other person.

August 16, 2015 at 12:09 pm #81877

Anonymous
Guest

Dear TriangleSun:

The burden I referred to, you wrote that you “agree the issue is one of burdern.” I don’t understand what you mean by it: what is your understanding of the burden I referred to? I will try to figure it out as I type here: when you give your power away, that is act as lovingly as you can, being extremely giving to another, sacrificing to please, to satisfy, anything, everything, willing to go the whole way no matter the price to you, when you loved your ex like that (did you?)- did you love her like you always wanted to be loved by your parent/s- and expecting that kind of love to come back to you? The love you needed as a child, that needy kind of love, the kind of love you did do anything for, sacrifice anything and everything for because you needed it with the urgency of a life and death issue…

Like a needy, desperate child, needing the STRONG parent, you were trying (?) to love your ex the same way, seeing her as stronger than she was, so that she will make you feel that safe feeling you so desperately needed as a child. This is understandable and natural in the context of a child/ parent relationship. In the context of two equal type adults, both needy, there is a burden for her. You asked if it is the burden of expecting to give back while not being able to. I will have to come back to this thread when I am more clear in my mind. Maybe you can write me further, help me get clarity??? Will come back to this.

anita

August 16, 2015 at 1:23 pm #81880

Anonymous
Guest

Dear TriangleSun (Victoria, I hope it is okay with you to address a commentator on your thread- it being the same topic, I believe???)

This is what I understand and if you examine and evaluate my input and agree with any part of it, I hope it will be helpful to you.

The way I see it- the nature of your love for your ex was that of a desperate child loving a parent. A young child sees the parent as STRONG and CAPABLE. It is the need of a child to see his parent as strong and capable so to feel safe. If you don’t have the love of the parent/s- it is an issue of life and death, to get it, so the child will twist any which way to get it, deny any part of itself, do anything, no questions asked. The child views the parent as necessary for the child survival, so the child will give up any and every part of himself so to keep his basic existence (his body) alive.

When you love a woman this way, if you agree this is so, is it going to work? For it to work, she needs to see you as a child and herself as a parent, see your need and slowly instill in you the belief that you are good enough, that you are valuable, again and again, give you the skills… love you no matter what until you grow up, so to speak, until you stand on your own, emotionally, that is. Very often parents will not do all this work- they don’t- so we end up, as adults, desperate still. No wonder non parents are not willing- it is a lot of work. It is a lot of work especially for someone who is also some kind of a desperate child herself.

There is the work you did, showing you the love you did and there is work you expected from her. A lot of people find it easier to … do hard physical labor than to acknowledge their own unmet needs (something one has to do when seeing and trying to help you with your unmet needs).

anita

August 16, 2015 at 9:43 pm #81908

Victoria
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thanks for really putting some thought into my thread.

My bf has always had a drive to be a multimillionaire+. He’s also an entrepreneur. When I met him he owned a very successful company in a great city. (I met him a year after moving home from overseas where I was working as a musician and playing in a band. He still has this drive today. To be honest, it is something that I was and I am still very attracted to. His ability to not take no for an answer is something worth noting. He is a genius at sales. My father is also a successful entrepreneur, so I also feel this “ceo” male type is something I am attracted to and makes me feel secure.

My bf now works as a salesmen for a very elite product. I truly believe he will be beyond successful one day, maybe it will be with his current position, or maybe another. However, I do believe apart of his drive and the way he treats me has to do with his lack of family growing up. He lost one of his parents at a young age, and his other parent is quite frankly crazy, and was for a fact not a good mom to him in many ways.

I am a gentle, mellow, strong woman. My bf can get very angry, though throughout these years with me he has gotten better at controlling himself. He’s never hit me, but he’s punched walls, broke phones, etc. This behavior really messes with my equilibrium. I guess I am more passive, I don’t let things get me that worked up, not physically anyway.

Something you wrote in response to TriangleSun resonated with me. I often find myself feeling a motherly love for him, where it once was romantic. Tonight I found myself worrying about how he will take care of himself when I leave, will he let the food all go bad in the fridge?, will the house come undone? , will he be lonesome?. I really feel my heart broken thinking of him alone. At the same time, this is my one journey on earth, too and I can’t continue to worry how he will fend for himself alone. Does this make sense to you?

I just feel something important is missing at this point. I love his drive, and work ethic, but I feel lonely and I feel something spiritual is missing…

August 17, 2015 at 7:04 am #81911

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Victoria:

Will you share more about what resonated with you: that motherly love you feel for him? In that motherly love there is anger, is there? The desire to run away? What does the relationship as is requires you to do/ what does it require you to be- that you don’t want to do/ be???

anita
Author

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