- This topic has 223 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 4 days, 2 hours ago by
anita.
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October 12, 2025 at 10:56 am #450842
NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Well, I am afraid of being committed to something. This is something called Celebrate Recovery. It is pretty cool. People celebrating different recoveries, whether it is sex, drugs, anger, co dependencies etc. So I am afraid to take that leap and say yes I have this issue and I am going to actively work on it, although, it could be good for me.
Nothing in particular has made me distrust the people. Maybe just my past, being betrayed, especially in groups.
After the meeting there is this gathering for a meal in the diner. My anxiety flares up. I don’t feel connected to anyone. I watch everyone talking and finding a partner to sit with. So I go sit at a table by myself. Two older ladies wave me over to their table. I was grateful because I felt so out of place. This situation brings me so much anxiety. I am so used to being alone, I don’t know how to connect.October 12, 2025 at 11:30 am #450845
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
The part of your post from “Nothing in particular has made me distrust the people” to the ending, I could have written that, it’s like I wrote it. It is only in the last 10 years or so, that I started to feel connected to people. At first (in the last decade), I didn’t know how, I was clumsy, inexperienced.. and very distrustful.
I am much better at connecting now than I ever was, yet, I still make mistakes, still learning.. In a month from now, I will be better at it than I am now.
Does this resonate with you, Nichole?
🤍🌿 Anita
October 12, 2025 at 6:41 pm #450855NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
It does. So I will have to practice and practice again? For possibly a decade? and more? Just when I thought healing couldn’t get any more challenging. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I won’t. It is just overwhelming.
October 12, 2025 at 7:02 pm #450860anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
It can take way less time for you than it’s taken for me. I can tell you all that I learned over time and how connecting is happening for me, and you can tell me about your efforts to connect. Maybe we can help each other.. right here, on your thread?
🤍🌿 Anita
October 13, 2025 at 4:56 pm #450893NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Good idea. I also began reading your entry on diving into your childhood(It Is really good). I am slow to read but I am pushing myself to focus more on reading, learning and getting out of my head.
I am beginning to accept that this is a long game. Maybe it will be less time and maybe it won’t. I have to accept that.
When I look back at my relationships I often find that I was the clingy one.I cannot just say I gave more and they gave less, it was more like I needed love right then and there as I was deprived of it so I didn’t mind laying down as a doormat for it. I often accepted whatever was given to me. Someone could call me and I would miss the call and then I would call back, text, leave a voicemail. And then wait at my phone for a response. It is pretty sad to think of.
More recently, with the last five years of growth, I am less clingy, less desperate and I know myself more and what I like. I try to give others the space to be them without trying to control or romanticize the relationship. But all of this is a work in progress.
Having my family back in my life was easy and I became lazy with trying to connect. So I do not have much experience as of recently.
What I realized in this group is my expectation for others to take the leap and open their arms to me. I lack initiative in this area and other areas of my life.Well that is my start, I am eager to hear yours
October 13, 2025 at 6:11 pm #450895anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
I am so glad you got back to me!
Not focused now, but will read thoroughly and respond tomorrow morning..!!!
Anita
October 14, 2025 at 11:56 am #450907anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
I just looked back at our communication over the years, the first day you posted and the same day I responded was Aug 21, 2018, that’s.. 7 years 1 month and 24 days ago 🤍
“I also began reading your entry on diving into your childhood (It Is really good)”- thank you! Anything you want to ask me about what I wrote here, please do (quote my words, so that I’ll know what you’re referring to).
“When I look back at my relationships I often find that I was the clingy one. I cannot just say I gave more and they gave less, it was more like I needed love right then and there as I was deprived of it so I didn’t mind laying down as a doormat for it.”-
Me too. The pattern was: clingy emotions, doormat behavior => angry, lashing out (inwardly or outwardly) and withdrawing. I suppose that’s why I was diagnosed years ago with BPD (I no longer fit the diagnosis).
“More recently, with the last five years of growth, I am less clingy, less desperate and I know myself more and what I like. I try to give others the space to be them without trying to control or romanticize the relationship. But all of this is a work in progress.”-
Excellent job, Nichole, that’s a lot of healing 💫✨🌿✨🌸🕊️🌼
“Having my family back in my life was easy and I became lazy with trying to connect. So I do not have much experience as of recently.”- I am not sure that I understand this sentence..?
“What I realized in this group is my expectation for others to take the leap and open their arms to me. I lack initiative in this area and other areas of my life.”- it’d take practice, starting perhaps with imagining yourself reaching out to someone (what would you say, what would you actually do, expression on your face, etc.)
“Well that is my start, I am eager to hear yours.”- Well, Nichole, I’ll start today by saying I really like you, and I am glad that we’re communicating again. I’d like to connect with you more like with a friend, both of us helping each other in this journey of positively connecting with people, one person at a time. With discernment, of course, when and if it’s safe.
Distrust in people prevented me from connecting. I was too sensitive to any sign of rejection or disinterest and reacted with withdrawal and disengagement. I am clearer now, in my mind, about this long-term, lifelong distrust and misperceptions of many people (not of all) in my life. Work in Progress, like you said.
🤍🌿 Anita
October 15, 2025 at 8:04 pm #450963NicholeParticipantHii!
Wow, 7 years is a long time. I remember a lot , especially, first reaching out. I was frantic. So hurt and so lost. I didn’t know what was going on. I clung to your responses. They were truly helpful in getting me out of that space at the time.
I can really relate to the lashing out. I often forget about that, but that is/was a real thing I do too. Especially in romantic relationships. I can get real aggressive. I think a lot of suppressed anger.
I am happy for you and no longer fitting the BPD diagnosis. Must be a lot of hard work you have done. And it must feel good.
I agree with practicing connecting. I never thought of imagining it beforehand in that intentional way. For some reason I thought that would make me seem fake but I think that is just my fear distracting me from taking steps toward growth.
I very much like you too Anita. Your wisdom and attention to my life story has been a beautiful introduction to this friendship.
I am ready for this journey. I am really tired of the old ways and repeat patterns. I am craving meaningful friendships and just a happier and more fulfilled upcoming year.
One way I plan to do this is by tuning out some if not all of the news and politics. I know that it is important to be in the know with our country but I am needing a break from all of it.That is powerful awareness in regard to being too sensitive to rejection. I am happy for you Anita. I can sense the progress in your writings. Thank you for sharing with me!
October 15, 2025 at 8:17 pm #450964anitaParticipantI am thrilled to get your message, Nichole.. only 13 minutes ago (by the time I submit this message), feeling good to read your words. Only I am not focused enough to thoroughly respond. I will Thurs morning, good night, special, precious Nichole (hope this is no too much..)
🤍🌿 Anita
October 16, 2025 at 12:15 pm #450984anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
I am sorry I didn’t answer this morning. I was not in the right state of mind, but I will be later on today. Please take good care of yourself!
Anita
October 16, 2025 at 8:13 pm #450995anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
You wrote yesterday: “I very much like you too Anita. Your wisdom and attention to my life story has been a beautiful introduction to this friendship.”-
This was so beautiful to read, so beautiful that I needed a break from that beauty.. you know.. like something too good to be true..?
I am so used to negativity, that a dose of positivity.. of love, overwhelmed me.. a bit.
Let us be friends, Nichole, let us be in each other’s life on a regular basis. Let’s help each other.
I am here.
🤍🌿 Anita
October 18, 2025 at 8:28 am #451037anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
How are you? I feel quite calm this Sat morning.. although my body is rarely calm because of there Tourette’s tics, mainly in my shoulders. Calm is in-between the tics.
My mental health is way, way better than it used to be. The improvement motivates me to continue to heal. Better mental health means a different experience of life.
Please tell me what you are thinking/ feeling today..?
🤍🌿 Anita
October 20, 2025 at 7:26 pm #451109NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
I really understand that, about being used to negativity. I am happy you enjoyed what I wrote.
Absolutely lets be friends, my responses are sometimes more delayed than yours but I am here and will always respond.I am happy you experienced some calm on Saturday. Having Tics seems like a challenge. Sending you a big hug
Oh yeah, when our mental health is better life is better.
I am feeling uneasy tonight. Thinking about my patterns. How hurtful codependency and blaming behaviors affect my life. Wishing it was as easy as knowing they exist and able to turn them off. But I remind myself this is a marathon not a sprint, this healing journey.
On a fun note I got new kitchen counter tops this weekend and I LOVE THEM!!!!! 🙂
October 20, 2025 at 7:53 pm #451114anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
Thrilled to read from you this Mon night!
C o N g R a T s for your new kitchen counter tops!
“this is a marathon not a sprint, this healing journey.”- and I am here to run (walk, really) this marathon alongside you 🚶♀️🏃
“my responses are sometimes more delayed than yours but I am here and will always respond.”- I am cool with that!
Anytime you want to express, to share.. Please do.
Seven minutes to 8 pm here, seven minutes to 11 pm where you’re at, soon going to bed?
🤍🌿 Anita
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