Hi Anita!

Thank you for your response. It is so nice to be able to read these conversations and reflect on the growth and also the connection. It has been years! You have heard of all the bits and pieces and even the ugliest parts of my journey. What a true blessing to be able to have that. Very grateful for this site.

Sorry I have taken a while to respond. Honestly I need to work on that. I can easily get distracted and put more important things on the back burner. But one step at a time.

I can absolutely resonate with your past and much of your challenges growing up.
Especially feeling the anger and fear yet longing for the love. The fear of abandonment. Becoming angry for having to be the caretaker. Resentment for not having a safe upbringing.
Reading your experience is eye opening. You really have a strong understanding of yourself and your past. I don’t know if I have gone that deep. I almost feel afraid to put myself in my younger self’s shoes.
I believe as a child I took on a caretaker role because it was drilled into me that I was supposed to. My mother had diabetes and also addiction so those together created an ” ill ” mother. Who else would take care of her. She was very emotionally weak. The elders in my family often made it clear we had to care for my mom. We got praised for caring for my mom. When I think about it, it was always about her. I can see clearly now that was my identity and I had no identity of my own.

These conflicting feelings—love, anger, fear, and longing—were incredibly complex and shaped how I related to her and the world around me. Processing these dynamics over time has helped me understand myself better and has given me tools to heal.

– I love this for you. You encourage me to continue processing. I have dug into my childhood. And have had it best put in words by you. But I think I usually try to process current challenges as a result of more recent events and maybe it would be helpful to dig deeper into what is ingrained from childhood.

I am happy you are finding peace and allowing yourself to care for others again. This is inspiring to me.

Hi Anita,

Well, I am overwhelmed. Emotionally burned out. Definitely feel like I got back in the blender with my family. And how could I? When I know the way it didn’t work in the past.

How are you?

Well I understand that now more than ever. Still a lot of love for them and a lot of confusion. What happened is really more of a reflection of my self worth and desire to belong so I put up with way more than I should have. Not intentionally. I was just going through the motions of life and also trying to balance a relationship with family. The problem is that there is very little return on my investment in that relationship. I tend to put on blinders and act like these tiny pieces of affection are signs that the relationship is building. But I have to let go for a while. I desire more out of my relationships. I deserve more. I deserve to put me first and not be punished for it. It has been tough. I just recently blocked everyone. Maybe for a little while or maybe for a long while.

Anita, I feel lost. And scared again. I feel like I was manipulated and sucked into that dynamic again. It feels so uncomfortable accepting that. How can I trust myself again if this happened to me under my own choices. It has been a bad night of self attacking. I am really hurt.

Thank you! I needed to hear those things. And continuing reading those things and repeating them because my self sabotage is extreme these last few days. Like I know this is growth because some of these uncomfortable feelings are hard to sit with. Mainly knowing I allowed so much. I basically have been a doormat to so many people in my life and I have been masking it like everything was ok. And I actually believed everything was. That is so confusing. but something I am learning about myself. Yes I have to slow down and be whatever this transition needs to be but that scares me. Thank you for being here. You always have too!