Dear Nichole:

A little history: your first post on tiny buddha was on August 21, 2018, you were living in Chicago at the time. Your mother passed away less than a month later, on September 16, 2018. Ten days later, on Sept 26 & 27, heartbroken, you wrote: “My mother is an amazing woman who unfortunately made terrible decisions in her life… Our relationship always struggled but we have always had love for one another… I love her so much“.

Exactly 3 years ago, on January 9, 2019, I wrote to you: “Dear Nichole: You mentioned being 30. What I suggest next will take about, I am guessing, two years to produce significant results…. Pause between feeling badly and automatically reacting to the bad feeling by doing something impulsive (and often damaging). In that pause calm down and think logically. Focus on functioning effectively, communicating with others effectively, living effectively, producing win-win interactions with others… Take breaks from anxiety and distress by exercising, taking walks, hot baths, any variety of activities that can be considered… distractions that are not harmful. Make a routine of such distractions, ex., a walk per day at a certain time, if possible”.

Fast forward to November 25, 2020, you were living in Florida. I wrote to you on that day: “Your writing is so much calmer than before, much improved, so much so that I got the opportunity to notice your talent. When you lived in Chicago, your writing was too often the product of a very distressed and overwhelmed brain. In the significant improvement of your writing, I see that you are now significantly mentally healthier than you were before”.

Fast forward to today, you wrote: “Things are going good Anita. I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness…. I’ve been at my new job for a month now and that’s a good time for me… I’m at a place where I can slow down a bit and I almost forgot what it was like to relax and feel confident in my ability to handle things for myself. Am so happy for that Anita… I am learning so much about life lately… I am in a woman’s group that meets bi-weekly, and I haven’t missed yet. Little steps” – excellent, continued progress, good job, Nichole!

“I still struggle with my Mother’s death… I miss her Anita. I miss the kind of love she offered” – You always loved her, even when you were angry at her. Underneath, you loved her intensely, faithfully all along. No way she could have missed the love in your heart, no way!

When you think about your mother lovingly, please recognize that you always loved her, and that your everlasting love for her makes you a good person, a good, loving person who deserves to let go of guilt and rest in your loving nature. You deserve calm and peace of mind. May this new year offer you more and more peace of mind!

anita

Dear Nichole:

You wrote yesterday: “I am doing well. I am not feeling well though” – an astute distinction: doing well vs feeling well.

“Very confusing“, you wrote yesterday. I wish I could organize things for you, place everything in drawers with labels on them. Organize your feelings, at the least, so that you will be doing well and feeling well.

Post again anytime you feel like it, it’s never too early or too late to post!

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .

Hello Nichole,

I hope you are starting to feel better. I can empathise with a lot if what you have written.

I’m gradually finding my way back to self-caring.  Even though I work caring for others and that comes easily to me, I struggle to care for myself.

These last few weeks since I started opening up with my life, I h a ‘ve been making improvements.

My sleeping is much better as us my eating though I try to keep the cooking as simple as possible.

I’m having more energy now. I also am seeing a mess around me in my house of things I have neglected to do, and have made a start on that.  I have been working full-time, and that seems like all I was doing – and just surviving!

Its getting better now.

Dear Nichole:

Congratulations for catching up financially!

“I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out…I feel so alone again. Last night I made a decision to email my ex. I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight” – nothing like a tight hug to calm down the overwhelm factor and to take away the so-alone feeling, if only for a moment.

“He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship” – this means that his hug cannot take away the so-alone feeling for more than a moment or two.

“We emailed back and forth a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm” – the imagined hug was good enough, or perhaps it was the anticipation of a hug that calmed you (?)

“I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it backfires” – you want honest, loving human connection, but you had experienced so much hurt and anger in the context of family connections, that what you want also scares you. And when you get some of it (a beginning connection or a resumed connection), you get to re-experience the old hurt and anger.

“Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making” – I think that it is not a good idea to meet him in-person because it will trigger the old hurt and anger that you experienced with him (and before him, in the context of family connections). At work, “People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo!“, you wrote, you don’t want to be triggered after work by getting together with your ex, do you?

If he was single, then maybe it could work to your benefit to meet him, but him being in a relationship, I don’t think that you can possibly be okay with it. I think that the comfort of a tight hug can last only so long before the hurt and anger get triggered.

You shared earlier that ever since your ex, if I remember correctly, you’ve been single… so no dates, no hugs, no nothing with any guy for how long?

anita

Dear Nichole:

You are welcome. Of course, you are not unreasonable having natural human needs and wants! As I read your recent post, written so beautifully, I felt sad that you are so alone and lonely. No need to apologize for having what you call a little melt down day; doesn’t read like a meltdown to me, just natural, human feelings.

“I tried to date but it’s so hard to make new connections when I still have so much trauma built up” – when you tried to date, what was so hard, specifically?

anita

Dear Nichole:

You are welcome. You point to two problems: (1) “I don’t feel so great about myself“, and (2) “I’ve never dated before“.

I can offer you online help regarding dating, right here on your thread. In regard to not feeling great about yourself, tell me more about it, will you?

anita