What To Do When You Catch Someone in a Lie

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 26, 2018 at 12:44 am #204175
Airene
Participant
Hello everyone,

For the second time, I have recently caught the same person in a white lie. Sue is the mother of my daughter’s roommate. Both of our daughters are disabled and share an apartment.

The first incident happened when I drove a carpool for our daughters. Sue told me she couldn’t because she had to help her mom, who is elderly and was recovering from surgery. I had done my share of driving, and that particular time, I didn’t want to do it. But I did it anyway because no one else was available. While driving the carpool, her daughter talked to Sue on speaker phone and I learned Sue was with her sisters baking bread for the holidays. I felt really angry that she was off baking bread while I’m doing something that I didn’t want to do and also under the impression she was dealing with her elderly mom.

Yesterday, our daughters’ support person was sick. I offered to fill in last night because I know the support person was not feeling well. Sue said she couldn’t because she had to work. After I got home, I happened to scroll through Facebook and see a post that Sue was at a concert. Sue lying about why she couldn’t step in is more of a I-can’t-believe-you-lied-about-that than it is about the fact that she didn’t step in. I volunteered to do that and was happy to do so.

Sue will also often claim work as her reason to not be available. I work part-time. I choose to work part-time because this is what works for me and my husband. But Sue seems to read this as me being more available and my free time less valuable than hers.

I am not sure how to approach this – do I confront Sue about these white lies?

Airene
- This topic was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Airene.
April 26, 2018 at 2:48 am #204183

Regi
Participant

I’m only 22 years old and my life experience is lower than yours. But I’d still like to share my opinion.

I think you should tell her since it’s not the first time. If you don’t tell her she will do these things even more, because she thinks it’s easy to lie.

Depending on her personality she will react either defending or appologizing. In your situation I would approach her by explaining your feelings and her avoiding these tasks. Don’t ask her why she did that because she may feel threatened. Also, you know perfectly well why she did that, don’t confront her with that since there’s nothing to gain for you here. End the conversation with a smile. Don’t wait for her to defend, just say what you need to say. Rather show a kind face than signs of anger.

Hope this might help 😉

Regi

April 26, 2018 at 5:30 am #204199

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Airene:

I figure if you are to have further contact with her, carpooling and otherwise, then better confront her. I would state to her simply and clearly what she stated to you and what you learned of the truth. Then tell her that you need her to not do that again.

anita

April 26, 2018 at 5:31 am #204201

Inky
Participant

Hi Airiene,

It unfortunately sounds like she’s “done” with parenthood. When our child is disabled, our jobs never really “end”.

She knows you’re a good mom and she is using that to her advantage. This will kill you, absolutely KILL you to do this, and hopefully you only have to do this once: BE UNAVAILABLE (you have “to work”/the phone died/car trouble). She will realize that unless SHE steps up “The girls don’t get carpooled! They are without their support person for a day!” What will happen is the other mom will (FINALLY!) be stuck with that anxiety herself. She will have to forgo a concert and baking cookies. When she sees that you, too, have work/”work” (read: can’t be manipulated) she WILL step up to the plate.

Also, find more people to share the apartment or create a different living situation. Groups of five to seven are shown to be the healthiest. This way you don’t get as stuck in these weird dynamics.

Best,

Inky

April 26, 2018 at 11:40 am #204297

Airene
Participant

Thank you all for your thoughts! I appreciate it very much!

Sue and I will be joined together as long as our daughters are roommates. I like the idea of creating a different living situation – with a group of 3 or 5 which will broaden the support system for the girls.

As for the current situation, I do not want to alienate Sue by calling her out on her lie, but do not want to be taken advantage of (and again, I wasn’t taken advantage of in the second situation – I volunteered). What happened has given me a clearer picture of who I am dealing with, and knowing how Sue operates will help me handle the next situation better.

Airene

April 26, 2018 at 12:24 pm #204377

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Airene:

You are welcome.

I understand your concern about not wanting to alienate Sue. It makes sense to protect your daughter’s roommate situation by not alienating the mother of your daughter’s roommate.

anita
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