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What to do when you are trying to figure someone out.

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  • May 27, 2018 at 12:50 am #209579
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    hello,

    so im been thinking. Let’s say you are dating someone and you see behavioral signs that are concerning, but not blatant. Things like moments of possible manipulation, insenstity at times..etc. nothing that sends up massive red flags or anything, but it’s not ideal and makes you wonder.

     

    What is the best way to handle yourself with someone like that in order to find out the truth? I feel that if you make it a deal of it or let them know you don’t like it, they may bury it and not let you see the prevalence of those behaviors in them.

     

    Im asking this on a psychological standpoint on how to evaluate someone’s behavior in a relationship and if it’s better to shed light on your concerns so they can adjust their behavior  or just wait and watch to see in order to get the real truth, without waiting years and getting married and finding out the hard way.

     

     

    May 27, 2018 at 4:17 am #209593
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Samantha:

    Glad you started a new thread, good to read from you again. I went back to your previous threads. In recent threads you shared about your current relationship. Clearly, you have been suspicious of your boyfriend from the beginning and throughout the relationship, even though you took a lot of time in it, going slow, and even though I didn’t read anything alarming about his behavior.

    And so, I went further back to locate the origin of your distrust. In your 2016 thread you shared the following: “The reason I distanced myself from (family members) is because some were heavy alcoholics, others were extremely deceptive to me… I was a child of a abusive father and grandfather… From age 5-11 I thought my dad was going to kill me because of his rage… my dad was taking and hiding money from us….we couldn’t pay utilities and were getting close to not being able to eat while my dad was floating around on his yacht… my grandmother .. did some things that forced me to have to drop out of college… My mother and I have a great relationship… She’s my best friend and we pretty much are a team as we have been my whole life… we have always had a good relationship.”

    Regarding an ex boyfriend, you wrote: “I was afraid to ask questions, I think I was afraid of the reality. I think 2 years ago I NEEDED him to be a good person, and that made me dodge asking the questions because the reality is not what I needed. I needed someone to believe in”.

    You shared then that your father did indeed deceive you and your mother, “taking and hiding money from us”. You mentioned your grandfather and grandmother, in addition to your father, I think, as “those extremely deceptive to me”

    My thinking this very early morning: if you adequately processed the deceits by your father and grandparents, fully understood their deceit, maybe you would be able to now see reality as it is and evaluate people in your present life as trustworthy or not. But this is not the case. You are having significant difficulties trusting, with no real evidence to support distrust, and you are still “trying to figure someone out” after such a long time, in your current relationship.

    So I ask myself why. The answer could be that you didn’t adequately process the deceits by your father and grandparents. It can also be that there has been deceit by your mother, a deceit you are not willing to see because you NEEDED her to be a good person, just like you “NEEDED him (your ex boyfriend) to be a good person”.

    For as long as we see things not as they are, but as we need them to be.. for as long as we partially close our eyes to reality, we don’t see what is. We remain confused, unable to figure out what is going on, not knowing “how to evaluate someone’s behavior in a relationship” (your question in your current thread).

    anita

    May 27, 2018 at 5:36 am #209605
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Samantha,

    You pose some very thoughtful questions – do you ask someone to modify behavior only to discover months, years later they are not capable of changing?

    As Anita points out, it is good to understand the difference between needing someone to be who you want them to be, and seeing the person for who they truly are.  You also need to understand yourself enough to know what you will and won’t tolerate.  Love for someone can cloud the reality of what is.  And given the foundation of your past, which sounds like there was a lot of deceit, I can imagine it would be difficult for you to trust your perception and also trust anyone to be who they say they are.  For me, one way to measure whether a person is basically honest is if their words match their actions.  I know plenty of people who say one thing and do another, but their perception is that they are doing everything they say they are doing.  Your perception might be that they are lying, dishonest, etc., but they might believe they are who they say they are.

    I have not read your past posts, and don’t know anything other than what you posted, along with the reference Anita made about you being suspicious of your boyfriend from the beginning and that she has not read anything alarming about his behavior.

    Where you make reference to evaluating someone’s behavior and express your concerns about their behavior….so they can adjust their behavior….

    There is the saying…”When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”  You are noticing something about someone’s behavior that causes concern for you.  That is okay.   And absolutely you should talk about the concern – communication in a relationship is important.  You state how the behavior is making you feel.  “When you do __________, I feel _________.” And hear what the other person says.

    Along with talking about your concerns is managing your expectations and knowing what the other person is capable of doing and not doing.  You can have all kinds of expectations of your boyfriend, but you need to understand what he is capable of, as well as….are your expectations realistic?

    These are all things I’ve learned throughout my 56 years, 29 of which have been spent with my husband.  I didn’t know anything about relationships or marriage when we got married, other than what my parents and his parents had modeled for us.  Along the way, I’ve also learned a lot about myself, and what is and isn’t important to me.  That factors into all of it too.

    There are no guarantees, and no relationship is “perfect.”  But with the right person you can work together to create something that is good for both of you.

    Airene

     

    May 27, 2018 at 7:50 am #209617
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Samantha,

    First, I would listen to your gut. Forget (for now) about analyzing him, analyzing your past, thinking. Does this relationship make you feel comfortable? 

    Second, you don’t need A Reason to break up with someone. You can tell him, “Hey, I’m not feeling it.” Bring up the rare manipulation and intensity if you want to. By themselves they may or may not be deal breakers. Just keep in mind that your “No” is sufficient.

    Best,

    Inky

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