Dear Matic:

Your writing on this thread, as in the ones before, indicate to me a very intelligent, sensible, well rounded, AWARE young man. Your observations are excellent in my view- amazingly so and guarded against lack of objectivity. It is unusual in my experience to read such an as-accurate-as-possible account here and elsewhere.

I trust your observations of her behavior around you and her reactions to talking about her boyfriend. I want to look at your observations again, with a beginner’s mind, that is without your guarded interpretations and without your active chemistry! and see if I get something else:

I just re-read your account and this is what I am getting: she is experience conflicts with her boyfriend, she is conflicted in relationship with him. She is not conflicted in her relationship with you. In the relationship with him she does not feel free, she feels distress, at least at times, she compromises her spontaneity, puts limits on herself so to get along with him, she cuts corners so to speak. With you she doesn’t, therefore she can belly laugh. She likes feeling the way she feels with you, free of conflict.

i wouldn’t underestimate the potential power of her attachment to her boyfriend. People persist in relationships that make them miserable for years and decades. I wouldn’t trust her glow when relating to her as being that powerful a motivation for her to end her relationship with her boyfriend and attend to an intimate one with you.

I trust the power of ATTACHMENT more than than the power of happiness and well being.

So as happy as she appears and feels around you, it is no indication that she will end that relationship and start one with you.

She may have romantic thoughts about you because she feels so good around you, as is natural (she is a girl, you are a boy) and may feel guilty for those because she is in a relationship. It is possible for her to withdraw from you in the future. It is also possible for a one night stand on her part, that is a short feel good break from the conflicted long term relationship with that boyfriend.

To protect yourself I would avoid the latter with her. Also her possible guilt would make it very difficult for her to open up to you about that relationship.

Having stated all that, I don’t think it is a bad idea to tell her how you feel as long as you also tell her that you are okay (as you stated here) either way, if you tell her how you feel while not suggesting she has a job to do now that she knows… you can tell her while taking responsibility for your feelings, in other words, tell her in a way that dignifies you, honors you. Why not honor yourself? Why hide your feelings? It is in the HOW that you tell her, that will make it okay to tell her, aI think.

anita

Dear Matic:

i can tell you are very busy currently, preoccupied, brain occupied with many things. If you choose to, when you are calm and have the time and desire, maybe you will re-read my posts to you above. I think there is more you can get out of it.

anita

Dear Matic:

I didn’t try to communicate to you that you are a release valve of sort for her, or that you should demand commitment from her. You are also trying to think what she might think (that a relationship with anyone is not right for her). Then you are assuming she is in a crappy relationship just like the one you had… which is not likely the case.

Your original post was clear and very sensible. Three hours later you “sound” hurried etc. so your state of mind is different. This is why I suggested you re-read LATER when you are calm. This is an important point- when distressed, hurried, rushed, it is not time to analyze and understand and figure out what to do.

Here is what you wrote on a second post on this thread: “I really do not want to get stuck in the so-called friend zone. Maybe this is a silly concern, but it is a concern non-the-less.” It is a valid concern and I “heard” you, this is why I suggested to tell her how you feel in a way that honors you, make yourself visible and … fluid, not invisible and STUCK (your word)- I suppose this is scary and anxiety producing, to unstuck yourself and express yourself, but there is much growth possible there. You are very intelligent, what you need, I believe, is courage to communicate honestly your feelings to her in a dignified way, in a way that does not demand commitment from her. This is one important point you missed so far.

If you still do not see my point, please come back to this later. When hurried, distressed, afraid, there is a mental fog and one can’t see through it, no matter how intelligent and how clear at other times. Got to let the fog dissipate.

anita

Dear Matic:

Excellent information gathering although during last post your head was shutting off (your words) and if it goes on this way, you may not effectively use your information gathering of last nights and future such gathering. Information is very powerful, objective information.

If the account on facebook is accurate then her boyfriend is available for cheating- it’s right there in what she read. But she may be focused on her insecurities so she is not seeing the powerful information she herself gathered and saw with her own eyes! People see what their heart wants to see. People don’t see what is scary for them to see. True to her. True to you- true to most people. So don’t give up YOUR ability to see objectively, Matic.

In this and everything, honor yourself. Express what you feel and what you want, again, in a dignified way, but express yourself. this is the best thing you can do for yourself. You can’t control the outcome, what another will do, how she will react, but at the least To Thy Own Self you can be true and that is your best shot in life.

Continue to update …?

anita