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What next after the help doesn’t work?

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  • September 27, 2019 at 10:35 am #314715
    NaC
    Participant

    I walk through the streets alone. Alone in body and alone in my head.

    Theres constant internal conversation going on- never a moments respite. It’s not just the usual conversation but constant coaching and guidance from my inner self to myself just to keep going. My crutch. My audible instruction manual. The thing that helps me put a brave face on, paint the weakest and emptiest of smiles and gets me through until I can be alone- alone and safe again.

    Being on my own is the only place where I’m not a burden or a let down. Being around others, comparing my existence to those fortunate to have a life on social media- these are things now that are best avoided for the sake of self preservation.

    One day soon- surely things will change? I hang on in desperate hope that tomorrow will be the day that rock bottom becomes just above rock bottom. But tomorrow comes and tomorrow becomes a cut and paste of the day before- another Groundhog Day and another day older. Another day further away from who I once was or a day closer to who I could be? Or just another precious day wasted?

    this is how life in survival mode is. Depression has been and gone. I’ve passed through many other stations since Depression Central. I can’t describe this new destination. It’s just dark and empty and I can only see it through tearful and misty eyes now.

    I feel no flickering ember inside of the man I used to be any longer. I wouldn’t recognise him now. He wouldn’t have given up so easily but then again, he’s not me.

    Ive tried the help. The pills, the counselling, the big life changes, the soul searching and gratitude. Believe me I have given all I have got.

    I’m here today on this planet in this life I once loved only for the sake of the pain I would cause if the alternative was taken. I’m trying to find a reason to love me but how can you love something you hate?

    What happens? Where do we go next when the help doesn’t work? How do we find the energy to pick our feet up one more time when the tank is empty?

    Today I accepted this is real. This is really real. The old me is dead and I am what remains. How did I get here or was this always my destiny? This is real now and that hurts like hell.

    September 27, 2019 at 10:39 am #314719
    Aiko
    Participant

    I suggest reading Todd Herman

    September 27, 2019 at 11:18 am #314729
    Peggy
    Participant

    Dear Neil,

    You write brilliantly with real thought and depth.

    You are not a thing, you are a person.  A real, live, thinking, feeling person.  How did you get to this place?  I don’t know.  Who would you cause pain to if you left the planet?  This suggests that there is someone who matters to you enough for you to save them from that pain.   What happened to you that you no longer love or value your own life?

    Come alive and tell me who you used to be – the old you isn’t dead, he’s just resting waiting for the time when he can be revived, waiting for the kiss that will breathe new life into him, waiting for the reassurance that he is loved for himself.  He doesn’t need to do or be anything but accept himself exactly as he is in this moment.  That’s love.

    Sending you all the love, light and healing that your body can absorb – hope you feel better soon.

    Peggy

     

    September 27, 2019 at 5:57 pm #314785
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Neil,

    I’ve read about people whose unbearable suffering resulted in a spontaneous spiritual awakening that totally freed them of their pain. Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle is one such person, or so he says.

    But not all of us are so lucky so we need to take matters into our own hands, take responsibility for our own happiness. Many of us will try some of the very things you mentioned: pills, counseling, big life changes, soul searching and gratitude.

    Neil, what big life changes have you tried and were you truly committed to each? Progress doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes a strong character to stick to a commitment. I read somewhere that it can take over two months for a new behavior to become a habit. We’ve got to be patient, give things time….and then see what happens.

    I recommend making the decision to radically transform your life by practicing mindfulness, meditation, daily exercise, healthy eating, sober living, random acts of kindness, and focusing on helping others. Yeah, I know, blah, blah, blah, you’ve heard these words a million times but I truly believe that if you totally commit to each your life will drastically change for the better. You can’t do this half-way; you’ve got to be all in. I’ve listed 7 practices; that’s 7 separate commitments.

    Difficulties (losses, betrayals, disappointments, fears, regrets, guilt, etc.) will of course arise and old familiar habits such as ruminating on your mistakes, flaws, and misfortunes will resurface, tempting you to ditch your commitments. But over time you may recognize these tendencies in yourself and get very good at averting them early on. Also, remind yourself that pain is a part of life, that to be human is to experience difficulties, and your difficulties are what will ultimately transform you. In other words, if spiritual growth is what you want then be thankful for your struggles.

    Neil, I remember our earlier correspondence and how intelligent you are. Do you think it’s at all possible that your emotional suffering is a state of mind that you have the power to change if you are patient and truly committed to doing the hard work?

    Maybe it all starts with one decision.

    I’m glad you’re reaching out!

    B

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