Dear Franco:

Part of my recent availability is that I have Covid since yesterday and can’t go out..

I like it that you place some humor into what happened, good thing! Humor is one way to regulate emotions. There is no way to make emotions go away, but there are ways to regulate them.

“even a friend of mine told me not to think about it because it doesn’t mean that girl thinks badly of me“- looking at a situation that you interpreted a certain way, and asking yourself: is there another way to interpret this situation? is part of emotion regulation (part of CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). It’s about seeking the correct, true interpretation of events instead of making assumptions.

Like I wrote to you before, maybe she likes shy guys, maybe her focus would be on your strengths, not on your weaknesses. I don’t know, but neither do you, unless you find out. We can talk more about this tomorrow.

anita

Dear Franco:

“a friend of mine… told me to not catastrophize the event because It happens frequently when a man is interested in a woman to act a little awkward, happens to everybody“- when he said this to you, did you feel better/ calmer, as a result?

If you felt calmer, it means that hearing his words regulated your emotions of anxiety, embarrassment, etc.

What your friend did was take the same event that had upset you so much, and offered a different way of looking at it. Your way of looking at the event was something like this: I am one of the most unacceptably awkward man in the world,  and that’s why I was laughed at, and now, the girl knows how unacceptable I am.

These thoughts understandably, cause and fuel painful feelings of shame, despair, etc.

Your friend introduced different thoughts, paraphrased: You are not the only man in the world that feels awkward when approaching a woman, everyone feels awkward.

Same event; different interpretations.

When you notice next time that you feel anxious about a situation, ask yourself: is there a different (and possibly true) way of looking at this situation? Look at it from a different angle, see the bigger picture. This is part o Emotion Regulation.

“sometimes talking with a friend is helpful“- talking to a helpful friend is one way to regulate your emotions.

So is journaling, listening to calming music, taking a brisk walk outdoors, drinking hot tea, following guided meditations, doing yoga, Tai-Chi, and more.

“he suggested… message her on Instagram, but I don’t know what to write to start the conversation, life is short I want to know her“- you can message her that you want to get to know her. Did your friend suggest a message?

anita

Dear Franco.

The big thing that you should take from the encounter is that she looked into your eyes.

This means that she has no hang ups about meeting someones gaze.

Hi Franco

I agree with your friend. I remember the first time I spoke to my husband. He liked my accent and would get nervous when I spoke. So, to make him comfortable I mostly asked questions to encourage him to speak, so he would not feel as nervous. It didn’t put me off that he was nervous, it just meant that he liked me and that was nice being liked enough for someone to be nervous.

When I am nervous, there is another way that is helpful to reframe it. I am excited because something good might come of this.

I also like to prepare when I am nervous. No caffeine or sugar before. Sometimes I drink chamomile tea. Shake my body for 30 seconds to a couple of minutes (longer is more effective). Do 10 big yawns. Massage the base of the skull and back of the neck. Splash cold water on my face. These things are science based and very helpful for regulating the nervous system and calming down quickly.

I like your idea of discussing Berlin. It was a good idea to prepare some conversation to make you less nervous too. Well done on staying positive and preparing to give things another try. 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Franco

Well, are you considering a trip to Berlin or is it a lie to talk to her? She may not understand your intent to get to know her more. She may just think that you are trying to arrange a trip. Or down the road see that you were just lying about arranging a trip if you aren’t truly arranging one.

How do you normally talk to people on social media when you aren’t trying to date them? You said that you are a social person. Treat this like a normal social situation. You are just speaking to another person. Women really enjoy being spoken to like they are just people because we are just people.

It is perfectly acceptable to strike up a conversation about travelling. To talk about places you have been to. To talk about places that you would like to go to. To ask her about all of these things.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Franco:

I know it’s scary to be direct, but that’s why I suggested you do it via a message and not in-person. You wrote in your original post: “Recently, I met a woman who works in a local shop, and I’m very drawn to her—it’s been years since I’ve felt this way about anyone“.

You can send her an honest and direct message like this: I met you in (the name of the local shop she works in), and I felt very drawn to you. It’s been years since I felt this way about anyone. I feel awkward sharing this with you because we never even introduced ourselves to each other. Can we meet for coffee (you can state the name of a local coffee shop)?

anita