Lost in one’s thoughts and setting up rules, as others who will not become to be called friends. No wisdom and no compassion. But acts as one who knows. This is the monkey mind tending to its own needs and protecting it realm. Buddha asked if one has seen the infirmed, sick and old. And does one realize that one will become as such. That there is presently no escape from getting old and dying. Life is suffering. It happens again and again. The cause of suffering is the clinging, attachment to this material state. There is a path to liberation.

So what does a person want when they ask the question of what is positive to you? And does not listen to the answers? Then, states that he does not like when people act fake? Sounds like a person trying to polish a roof tile into a mirror. It is not possible to make something with what one has. But, this is my own opinion.

As being positive, to me, means that one proceeds in doing right or proceeds in acting in good faith regardless of what one believes the outcome to be. Now having an attitude of good cheer or depression or sadness … that is more of how one feels about one’s life and its predicaments.

Note: Being rude or being honest??

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Tommy.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Tommy.

Dear Brian:

Back in January, in the original post of your first thread, you asked for suggestions regarding your problem, which was you ruminating over your past.

In my multiple replies to you, I suggested that you incorporate a busier daily routine, including aerobic exercise, and that you “find a meaning to your days that you currently don’t have, something that makes you think forward instead of backward“. Because rumination means to passively focus on one’s distress, which leads to depression, I suggested that you actively focus on something positive, such as any of the possibly positive activities that you mentioned: the online study program and/ or socializing with people in the coffee shop that you frequent.

I also suggested that instead of ruminating, you talk about your feelings/ express yourself in the context of a support group, and/ or group or individual psychotherapy, and I added:  “You are welcome to use your thread for this purpose. As a fellow member, I will be glad to be as supportive of you as I can be“.

In a later post I suggested that in the context of your thread, you share “whatever you feel comfortable sharing”, and only what you feel comfortable sharing “about your life, do you live with family, how is your family life, what is it that you study in school, etc.” Soon after I made this suggestion, you responded with suspicion: “I like to get to the point when I communicate. I did respond to the questions you asked. I’m not sure why it is important to share the subject I am studying”.

Next, I posted to you that I understood that as you shared earlier, you are “usually guarded around new people”, and that it means that you were guarded around me too (in the context of your thread), that you may be afraid to share here because you fear negative judgment. I asked you if that was the case and I assured you again, that I will not judge you.

Your response soon after: “Maybe you can spend your time trying to help someone else“. You did not answer my question, did not thank me and rudely dismissed me, telling me basically to go away. To that I responded with: “Dear Brian, you are welcome to post again here, or to start a new thread, so that maybe other members will reply and be better able to help you. I wish you well and goodbye!”.

Well, I am back to your third thread to correct this part of my last post to you: “maybe other members will reply and be better able to help you“.

I did not participate in your second and third threads until now, but I read all the communication. What I learned is that your primary motivation was not and is not to ask for help. On this 3rd thread, one member, tried to help you by suggesting that you consider to be on your side and to think in your favor (“Being positive is to be on your own side… to think in your favor”). You ignored her suggestion, did not thank her, and instead, you rudely/ sarcastically asked if she can predict the future. She then reacted defensively and withdrew from your thread.

Another member then tried to help you enthusiastically, kindly and repeatedly. You didn’t answer her excellent questions, did not thank her, and in her last post to you, she expressed feeling hurt and anxious about you dismissing her kindness: “I value politeness and kindness. Being dismissive of others kindness seems hurtful to me. I wonder would you do the same with me?”.

Another member tried to help you. You ignored his suggestions as well, never thanked him and eventually, he responded angrily: “What obligation do I have to you? … You want the real stuff? You want people to be honest? … Well, here is walking away from you“.

Your response: “Saying it in that way is rude. We agree on that. I’m glad we found common ground.”

It was then that I learned your true primary motivation when posting: to be rude to members who reply to you with kindness, to hurt the members who are trying to help you.

In real life, you shared: “I mostly interact with workers at stores, and they usually are told to socialize to create a pleasant environment”. When the people at stores are acting happy/ being nice to you- that makes you ANGRY because you don’t feel the same.  When they are nice to you, you get angry because you can’t genuinely be nice back to them. When you try to smile back, you feel like a fake, and you hate feeling fake.

In this thread, you felt the same about people who seem happy/ being nice to you. It makes you uncomfortable. You want these nice, well-intended people to be as angry and as rude as you are, so that you can feel comfortable being angry and rude. You want their energy to match yours. When you finally succeeded in regard to one of the members, perceiving his angry reply as being rude to you, your response was… finally glad, comfortable, relieved, satisfied: “I’m glad we found common ground”, common angry ground, common rude ground.

And now, getting close to closing my post:  what is my motivation in this very reply, I ask myself. Part of me is angry at you for being rude to people who post here with the good intention of trying to help you. Part of me wants to be rude back to you, maybe start a fight and win it! Part of me is afraid to lose such fight. I need to not give in to this impulsive part and think about the bigger picture:

We all need to understand that there are people who will intentionally hurt those who are trying to help, those who are kind, because they want to see in others what they experience within themselves: hurt and anger. They feel that it’s unfair that another person feels okay when they do not feel okay. And so, they act to … rectify this perceived unfairness by making the other person hurt. This is the motivation behind child abuse and sadism. We have to be careful of such people. It is privately tragic when such people are our parents, and it’s globally tragic when such people are world leaders.

We need to protect ourselves from such people.

A personal note to you, Brian: I have no doubt that you are hurting and that you’ve been hurting for a long time, and that as a result, you are angry at people you don’t even know, people who are nice to you. Please contain your anger, just as I have done while typing this very post to you. Redirect your anger, in your own mind, to the people who really did hurt you. Work on that hurt and anger in the context of psychotherapy if at all possible, or a free of charge support group for people who suffered similar hurt as you did.

anita

Dear Brian:

“It seemed you were trying to take control over what content I provide and how I should respond” – can you elaborate on what I quoted here?

Or… do you feel controlled by my request that you elaborate?

anita

Dear Brian:

Of course, you are not “obligated to respond a certain way and answer every question that has been asked”. In fact, you are not obligated to respond at all, nor are you obligated to answer a single question asked of you. Same is true for me and any other member, no one has such an obligation.

I don’t want you to feel controlled/to feel badly by being asked questions or by being asked to elaborate on anything you shared. Therefore, I will not ask you any more questions, not a single one. Instead, I will answer your question best I can: “What is Positive to you?” – good nutrition, clean air to breathe, clean comfortable clothes, rest, recycling, minimizing carbon emissions into the atmosphere, avoiding and preventing accidents, violence and wars and kindness to others.

anita

I try not to think in dualistic terms like positive/negative or good/bad. I think that creates limited, restricted thinking. It’s all about perspective. All of the experiences I’ve gone through, all of the relationships I’ve had, all of the emotional traumas, etc. have furthered my growth and spiritual journey. Yuck, that sounds so pompous! Honestly, though, I really let go of judgment and assigning my feelings into categories. I’m a psychologist and coach, and one thing I’m always working with clients on is telling them their thoughts and feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are. We cannot help what are thoughts are (cannot direct our neurotransmitters, etc.) nor can we control our feelings (yes, we can work on shifting feelings by using cbt or medications etc. but we’re animals and the feelings are biological). Therefore, judging or calling them “bad” serves no purpose but to add to the shame we all have.

I digress. For me, then, positive is kind of an illusion or misperception. So, too, is negative. Both are projections. I strive for contentment, or santosha, which is basically peace with what is in this moment. I guess that sounds positive?