Hi Annie

I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering.

Children are innocent and should be protected. You did nothing wrong, you were never to blame. I’m sorry that your brothers hurt you. Children have a habit of blaming themselves when others hurt them. It’s not true though. Children are just unable to protect themselves from danger and easy to take advantage of.

You mentioned difficulties with relationships ending. Would you like to share more about that?

I think life is difficult for people in general. I met one person who was 18 that had no experiences of trauma. It was unheard of to me. Most people unfortunately have something… Ideally, I think pain teaches us to be kind to others because we can understand suffering.

The only way I know to overcome fear is to face it head on. It isn’t easy though and takes a lot of practice and perseverance. Exposing myself to lots of positive experiences has helped me too.

Dear Annie:

We communicated Sept 10- Sept 21, 2018, five years ago, almost to the day.

You shared back then: “I had some traumatic childhood experience…  I was a victim of abuse and it started at 6… since I suffered abuse I was scared of anyone’s touch. I couldn’t hug my Papa also. We never shared a hug“. You shared nothing else back then about the abuse/ the traumatic childhood experience you suffered.

At the time, you mentioned a sister, but you didn’t mention any brothers: “I had dreams of doing something for my parents for me for my sister.”

Fast forward to Aug 17, 2023, you shared (in this thread): “They were supposed to be my brothers as per the worldly relationships“. And what did they do to you when you were 6 or 8-year old?  You didn’t say, but suggested, or it reads to me, that they sexually abused you: “Maybe I smiled too much… Give out a wrong hint.. mislead them?.. if I had a normal childhood where brothers act like their normal self I would not have been afraid of people in general“.

You asked a month ago: “What is my fault? May be I smiled too much as a six year old…  I am still asking this 30-40 years later. From the time I gained conscience, I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong. I have not been able to find any answer“.

Five years ago, you talked about guilt: “I am unable to love myself…  I feel extremely guilty…feeling guilty all the time… I feel I am the one responsible for everything happening. No one else is responsible, what should I do with the thoughts. I am battling with them but they are getting louder.”

My input today: like in your case, Guilt (with a capital G) sucked the joy out of my life. Like you, there were times (the longest lasting a few months), when I felt happy (“I was a happy self made girl before I met him. I worked hard throughout my studies and career and I had dreams of doing something for my parents for me for my sister“, you wrote in Sept 2018), but it didn’t last long because it was only a matter of time before Guilt returned to rob me of the joy of living.

In my case, I felt Guilty about my mother’s misery in life and I took full responsibility for it. I believed that I did not deserve peace of mind, let alone joy, unless I made it up to her for all the wrongs I allegedly did to her. Like in your case, these thoughts were often loud and louder. A person feeling this Guilty cannot feel content or happy except during exceptional times (like during traveling), and otherwise, in moments here and there.

My mother told me that I was responsible for her misery, at least for a large part of it, and I believed her. She never cared to tell me otherwise, even though my Guilt was visible and audible, as I did try to make it up to her, and failed.

When I think about your case, having been abused by your brothers, I imagine that maybe you were blamed for it, maybe you were not, but in any case:  no one told you that you were not to be blamed for it, no one told you early on (when you were a child) that it was not your fault.

When a child is abused by a trusted family member, the child naturally feels responsible for the wrong that happened/ Guilty , and without anyone telling the child early on that it wasn’t the child’s fault, the child keep feeling guilty way into adulthood.

“From the time I gained conscience, I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong. I have not been able to find any answer“- as an abused child, you did NOTHING wrong. You were not responsible for the abuse. It was NOT your fault.

But you needed to hear this and be convinced of it as a child. The Guilt has been going on for too long. Guilt went on too long for me too, but the good news: I don’t feel guilty for my mother’s misery anymore. What a relief!  I would like to share more about it with you, but I don’t know if you are even reading this. Please let me know…?

anita

Let me start by sharing this: It is only natural to reflect on past experiences and question whether they have shaped our present circumstances. There is no fault or ill-intended limiting behavior in this type of self-reflection. However, it is important to recognize that the actions of others, and even more so those during childhood, do not define our worth or our capacity to form meaningful relationships. Your value is decided within and the lack of others to see your value is often, their loss. It is crucial to acknowledge that we are not responsible for the actions or perceptions of others, especially during our formative years. The ability to smile or express joy as a child is a beautiful aspect of innocence that should never be a source of guilt or self-blame.

It is also essential to understand that relationships, including those within our families, are complex and multifaceted. While seeking understanding and closure is a natural inclination, placing blame on ourselves for perceived shortcomings in these relationships is an unproductive path to tread. Allow me to make a suggestion: perhaps you should focus on nurturing self-compassion and forgiveness, both for yourself (that inner child that is hurting) and for those who hurt you so that you can leave it in your past. You don’t live there anymore.

This begins a journey of self-discovery and healing and it may be beneficial to seek support from a trusted therapist or counselor or even a life coach – that’s my background. Professional guidance can provide invaluable insights and strategies for processing past experiences, overcoming fear and loneliness, and cultivating healthier relationships in the future.

Always remember, that your worth and potential for happiness are not defined by your past experiences or the actions of others. Each of us possesses the strength and resilience necessary to overcome challenges and create a fulfilling life filled with love, connection, and purpose. Place your trust in your inherent worth and embrace the journey of self-discovery with courage and compassion. ALWAYS.