Dear diane:

Maybe no one is completely hopeless but reads to me that having hope that your daughter will do what is right for herself and for her children is unreasonable: she has been consistently dysfunctional for a long time, so I suppose you can expect her to continue to be so. And then there is the element of  dishonesty  on her part, as I understood it, wanting you to give her money so she can decide what to  do with it instead of you paying directly to a nanny, school activities and such.

I think that getting a big house for everyone to live in, including you, your husband, she, the four kids k(and her husband) is a bad idea, don’t think you can survive that experience yourself. Which brings me to this point: you need to survive this. You are not a superwoman. You need to take care of yourself. No wonder you want to get away from all this.

These are what I see as reasonable yet most caring options: that you contact social services perhaps so to find a way better arrangement for the kids (maybe having them live with you without their parents), or continue to finance a nanny, school activities and such having the benefit of the children in your mind, not expecting their mother’s approval. In other words, focus on the kids alone.

anita

diane,

Your daughter is a lost cause.  You cannot help someone who will not help themselves. You can lead the horse to water but cannot make it drink.

It also sounds like her husband is the perfect foil for her so looking to get help for your grandchildren is a lost cause as well.

Do what you can to help your children and let go of the rest.

I agree on what anita has suggested except knowing how social services works in my state that calling them won’t do much good.

Mark

Dear diane:

Re-visiting your thread, I figure it is easy to give up on your daughter, it is for us reading your story: she will not change her diet, she will not stop smoking, she will not wake up early enough to care for her kids, she has four of them and neglects them, oh, it is so easy to figure she is indeed a lost cause. But is she?

It is possible that it will be better for her if you do withdraw from her completely, if you stop trying to help her, if you no longer give her advice. This is something you didn’t try yet, correct?

“What is a mother to do?”- sometimes a mother is to stop trying to help, to withdraw. From personal experience, it is can be just the right thing for a mother to do. You can eliminate all contact with her, all communication, except maybe for arranging to pick up the children and drive them to and from the activities you mentioned, or drive them to a hospital in case of an emergency.

Not so to punish your daughter, not at all, but to help her. She probably already knows of all the reasonable advice you already gave her. She probably knows she is an inadequate mother. She is already suffering. She doesn’t need any more advice, any more pointing to her inadequacies.

Space from her mother, maybe, is what you can give her. I hope you enjoy  your vacation.

anita