what happened in the last 3.5 months?

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This topic has 40 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 23, 2015 at 5:06 am #85930

Inky
Participant

Hi Mya,

Two things are going on here:

1. You slept with this boy too soon. Call me old fashioned, but when you do that the Weirdness Factor jumps up and they start freaking out. Especially because he had been a player before.

2. YES, this friend IS the Queen Bee, and wants all the attention to herself!! You will never date someone from that friend group because she won’t let that happen! She probably DID say something to suddenly turn him cold toward you. It worked too, because he easily reverted back to old bad habits. She doesn’t like or love these boys. It’s all about control.

DON’T tell her you’re interested in anyone, or their names.
Find someone OUTSIDE of that group, and don’t even introduce him.
In fact, find a different group!
And if you do like someone in the group, see them ONE ON ONE, AWAY from the group setting!!

I am sorry this happened to you.

Dump this girl as your friend, and if you do ever see this boy again, have it be one on one, not in a party setting.

Best,

Inky

October 23, 2015 at 6:38 am #85938

Mya
Participant

when he comes back she will go with him to techno festival in london…she told me this… i know its been a missunderstanding and my fault that i didnt start the talk asap…how should i behave when i meet him???

October 23, 2015 at 6:52 am #85939

Inky
Participant

I don’t like that she’s got this tight hold on him.

If you want to play the game, you too could invite him to a big event/festival, pick him up at the airport, have him stay in your place, etc.

But this girl INVENTED the game!!

Now, I’m non-confrontational. If it were me, I would be honest, and tell him you want to meet up. Don’t do it by text or phone. Make plans in person. “WHEN can we meet up? Saturday sounds great. See you then.”

Or, you could let him do all the work. That sounds unbearably painful, as he could just ignore you again. If you want to drop him, just be polite when you see him.

Or, change the script and DON’T be at the party/parties at all!!! Text him and say, “Can’t make it. Swing by my place at 10 PM before I turn in.” Or “Can’t make it. Text/call me tomorrow AM if you want to get together this weekend.”

Good Luck

October 23, 2015 at 7:32 am #85940

Mya
Participant

what if he doesnt want me and is a player?? he kissed other girl in front of me on a farewell party ….im like confused very much… still idk if i wanna meet with the group when he comes back. he will be back in a month

October 23, 2015 at 10:03 am #85956

Inky
Participant

I think you have to cast him loose. He’s either not interested, a player, confused, is immature, and/or is being manipulated.

He’s not ready to handle being in a relationship with you, or probably anyone!

Wouldn’t you want to be with someone who gives clear signals, who’s loyal, mature, decisive and knows his own mind instead?

I would not want to be at a party where he’s at. What for, so he can try to make you jealous again?

Let him contact you and meet with him in private ~ if you’d want to!

October 23, 2015 at 10:29 am #85959

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mya:

Too many people involved in this, Mya. Each one tells you what he or she understands or what she wants you to think and the truth is lost in all these translations and interpretations and manipulations. No wonder you are confused. Your only chance of clarity is if you stop communicating with all these people about the guy and ONLY communicate with him: ask him the questions you need to ask and listen to his answers or lack of answers. Communicate ONLY with him and with no one else. Then you can make up your mind based on YOUR interpretation of what is going on. He may be honest with you when you ask him questions and he may be dishonest. This will give you answers: if he is dishonest with you then you will figure he is dishonest based on YOUR direct interactions with him and your interpretation (not others’). If he is dishonest, I assume, you will want nothing to do with him (?) and if he is honest, well, then there is a chance.

anita

October 24, 2015 at 5:55 am #85996

Mya
Participant

yes,
i dont want to reject people and friends because of what happened. for example yesterday i was at party where everyone ( except him) was there. and its a group of friends, people. i dont have anything against them
but again i was observer kind of introvert. again i saw that THIS girl is some kind of controlling some people. i take it with distance, only being nice but not telling about my personal stuff.

and i saw some of my male friends telling her about their love life and she was like a mother terasa giving advices to everyone.
so i knew now im 100% sure that THIS GUY told her about me and didnt know what to do with that.

when he comes back even if its almost 4 months – i will ask him , what happened why didnt u want to meet up and talk about it o.O WHY
its like a one to one situation- personal- noone else is involved.

October 24, 2015 at 10:04 am #86004

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mya:

It is a good idea, to have a one to one conversation with the guy. You cannot control him to NOT talk to the the girl who makes everyone’s business her business. All you can do is not add fuel to the fire by telling her your business (your business is her fuel, as is everyone’s business). Then when you do talk to the guy, you can ask him about his relationship with the girl.

Since you know what she is doing, turning other people’s business for her good, that is, she is getting some emotional and social benefit from doing what she is doing and it is not to the benefit of others… Since you know what she is doing, before you tell your personal stuff to anyone who knows her, ask him or her how open they are with her.

That way you know that if you tell your personal stuff to someone who shares with her, then you will be handing your personal stuff to her to do with it as she pleases, distort it any way that suits her, if so she wishes. Maybe someone else noticed or will notice what she is doing. Until they do…. she is everywhere, making your business hers. Do you think I am getting it correctly?

anita

October 24, 2015 at 11:57 am #86006

Mya
Participant

Hey anita thank you again.
if i can add something. i am a person who still lives with my parents. they are very nice people but chaotic artists. they gave me and my sister love and care all of my life. they tought us. we visited almost all of poland ( my country) when i was younger. they gave me everything. but i think sometimes they were too nice and kind. like they didnt have friends, only family stuff and their own business.
everything was going on around family. i have never seen people at our house. only family- which is veyr small.

what i am going to say is that this girl comes from patologic family with alcohol and fights. she was the perfectionist in school. she had to take care of herself very soon when she grew up. now she had better contact with brother and mother but still they have problems.
for me her behaviour of knowing everything comes back childchood when it was not perfect. because her parents didnt give her love and so one. she told me she had to survive while fights. and for me now- she takes care of people doing mother teresa role.
and people like her and she needs to know everything. maybe its not in a wrong way. but she is a person that colorise (?) the reality very often.
kind of possesive as well. because she is nice and kind and good looking and a perfect worker and a student people think she is ideal but two of her ex that i know told me she is toxic because she plays and she wears a mask.

its like people like her because she is nice and she is interested in people. she is a very good listener always giving advice. and people, especially men, boys like her.
they treat her like a mother? or someone.

i remember, as a previousely wrote, that before when she was single she was usually surrounded with her ‘male friends’ being like a queen. and now ? she has a bf and is very possesive and calm. its so weird.

this men, guy, comes from a family that divorced. he grew up soon as he was studying in the other city. and he lives alone and has his own company and business.

and everyone from this group lives alone. their live is totally different than mine. because i have a lot of other friends. and 2 other groups. i have really a lot of friends. and this group is one of them . that i got inside because i had some situation with HIM.
and now i dont know if i should let it go or not. i mean if i should just let go from this group and be alone like before or continue spending time with them…
becuase they’ve known each other.

she usually invites people to her place for gossips and life talks. i thought she had only me like a friend because she was inviting me very often. but now i see she had a group of friends i didnt know about.
and im in a different level of life. because i still live with parents. i started working part time. i still study- architecture on master which is very demanding and sometimes i just have no time to go out…
and at my faculty people are weird… they are only focused on studying no going out or anything. and now?
i dont know how i can share my life in the aspect of studying, working and being friends, finding boyfriend…
its so weird and time passes by….

and i wanted to move out and be more kind of mature but it would mean i would need to be surrounded by other people – friends. because i wouldnt have the company of parents at home…

this girl lives alone since 2-3 years and probably thats why she is a party girl, people know her because she needed to fill her time with people.
some people dont do that because they have siblings, parents at home. and she doesnt…

i dont know if i am justyfing her or just telling about her.
i see people living alone or with people at my age are more flexible and more’straight forward. we are adults and i still feel like a TEEN.

and maybe its time to move to make a new step.. and i dont know if i should behave like ‘independent people’ that came to my city without parents and had to organise some kind of a ‘family’ of friends. or being myself and being nice to people, be friendly but take care of family too. because family is important..

and for some people its not very impornant and i dont get that…
its just a matter of thinking and values…
because now i feel not like 25 yo girl- woman, but like 30-35 being too rational and logical…

October 24, 2015 at 8:06 pm #86010

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mya:

I didn’t understand much of what you may be asking. What I understand is that at twenty five you are living with your parents. Your family is small and loving. Your friends on the other hand, that young woman and the young man you wrote about are from broken like families with fights and such and both do not live with their parents. They are both living on their own. The young man even owns his own business. You are wondering if you should move out of your parents’ home, or if you FIT IN the group of your age group who are living independently. You are thinking that the young woman is not a bad person but a mother like figure.

If I understood correctly, my feel is that you are fortunate to have a loving small family, oh, how fortunate indeed. My feel is: do treasure this loving little family of yours and continue the tradition by only having loving relationships with others and one day when you get married, that you will choose a loving man, one mentally healthy and capable to … love and be loved.

I also vote for you focusing on your studies and investing in gainful employment and a good career for you.

Next, regarding your social life and romance: I still think communication is key, CLEAR communication. Learn who these people are, learn more by asking simple questions and listening for the answers.

No matter how well meaning and otherwise admirable the young woman you wrote about is, it is not a good idea to rely on HER information regarding who the young man is. No matter how well meaning she may be, she may not present accurate information because of her “blinders” = her inaccurate projections. So whatever it is you want to know about the young man, ask HIM. Whatever you want to know about the young woman, ask HER.

I hope I was somewhat helpful? If not much, please feel free to write again. Try to write shorter and clearer. (I know English is not your first language)

anita

October 24, 2015 at 9:42 pm #86015

lovelimess
Participant

Yes, give up. You are competing for what? Dude sounds like a boy.
Just stay single until you find one that is available, straight-forward, and not in Mother Theresa’s clique.
I recommend dating an older guy – and don’t have sex with him so soon.

“Being too curious and sometimes aggresive” is kind of a funny statement, coming from someone who spoke to her 2 ex-boyfriends about her. Don’t play their games. If she is using other peoples personal lives as a way to obtain personal/professional gains, it’ll catch up…TRUST ME, snowball effects are in full force.

Focus on yourself.

P.S. A guy who has sex with you and stops talking to you without being able to articulate where you stand… that is not a “free-spirit.” That is a Jerk.

October 27, 2015 at 2:08 am #86180

Mya
Participant

hey, thank you all for the advice.
I am just not used to being in a group of people where they talk about each other.
Its like ive never been in a group of people where everyone knew everything about each other. I was kind of an ‘free electrone’ flying from one group to another. I have never been stuck in one group.
I have a lot of friends but i am mobile.
And what made me weird was that this group and people inside the group are talking about me.
I am very independent and i am not used to get help from other people. Some say im too independent and cold. but its a mask because i usually think people would like to do sth to me. Like take some information or make me feel bad.
Really im not used to talking about everyone in a group.

i am focused on myself very much- maybe too much- even parents think i need to be more ‘enjoyable’.

I am not used to hierarchy in a group- when there is a person who mothers everyone- a very popular person- its weird. i knew this girl for 8 years from high school. i didnt know that her environment has changed so much- i didnt change thinking of her because i remember her from 5-3 years ago. ANd now i see she behaves differently sometimes like a whore- sleeping with boys in relationships because she needed sex…
and she takes care of everyone from that group- i am an new member i am an observer and i see the hierarchy- i see that in a group even the most bad boys and the most independent boys treat her like a mother or someone that could take care of them. so weird.
i have no idea how to respondto that behaviour.

the real reason is that everyone loves watching FRIENDS with jennifer aniston and sometimes i think that my friends would be like them…you know what i mean???

and yes he is a jerk. why did she tell me he is very sensitive and is very shy when it comes to me? why did she tell me that he wants things to be ok- why didnt he tell me this straight?
i have no idea.

guy who pulls away even when he is away with a friend on a party – in my opinion have to write back or so…… no idea if he has alzheimer or other issue…… and she was justyfying him all the time like there would be no harsh situation in a group – because as far as i can see people sleep with each other from that group – especially her.
and im not like her.
and deep in my mind i have some thought that she told him that for me it was nothing and now he is like this. and for me it was not nothing.. i dont sleep with people i dont care about
and SHE DOES.

and then boys think of her like of a ‘bad and toxic girl’. and i dont wanna have that opinion…….

October 27, 2015 at 4:42 am #86191

Inky
Participant

Oh Mya,

These people haven’t grown up yet! You keep being YOU:

Independent, strong, monogamous, loving, truthful.

But please cast yourself free from these people!!

October 27, 2015 at 7:42 am #86195

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mya: I second the advice above: CAST yourself FREE from these people!
anita

October 28, 2015 at 2:32 am #86295

Mya
Participant

the worst thing for me is that i analyse too much and sometimes i get paranoied too much because of people’s behaviour.
its like i want the world to be like i want it to be. im too possesive sometimes.
sometimes i cant rely even on myself.

its like those people do their thing they focus on their careers relationships friendships and i analyse their lives.

sometimes its my fault because i take too much effor to think of otehr not for me- thats why my face is stubborn but i feel weak inside when it comes to meeting new people.
when someone is nice – i see the second botton. when someone helps me i think i need to be careful because that help is not straight.
when someone talks nice to me i think its a lie.

its true.

how can i change it?

sometimes i think i perceive the world differently talking about others.
i dont do drugs i dont drink much i dont smoke.

i think the worst and the 1st enemy is my mind, my brain…….
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