Thanks Anita, that was a very good answer.  I can see that my interest and affection were probably nice things for him to have even if he didn’t want to commit to me for an actual relationship.  Your answer gave me a lot of clarity, as, for me, I can’t think of anything worse than going on dates with or having affection with someone I did not want to actually be in a relationship with; but from his perspective it’s actually very likely he quite enjoyed that experience and got something he needed from it.

I think he’s very honest with me, I don’t think he ever lies (one saving grace) so his history is pretty much:   He is 47 years old.  He has had one committed relationship in his life.  This was from age 19 to age 41 and by his own admission he was never really in love with her but sort of fell into it out of habit and was too loyal (or lazy) to think about leaving so he was very committed to her and his family although also unhappy, unloved and felt quite controlled.  She had an affair with their contractor and threw him out at the age of 41 and at that time, although not in love with her, he was very deeply wounded and went into a dark depression.

He told me at that point he felt no woman would ever want him, and he felt like his self esteem was really low.  So he started dating tentatively and found out women did actually want him (he’s wealthy!!) and since then he has been dating for five years but nothing serious.  His modus operani in dating (apart from with me) has always been to see several women casually on a fairly short-term or on and off basis where he says they “overlap” (meaning he is never really exclusive).  They always want commitment, he always refuses it.  He says he’s never really formed and emotional bond with a woman in his life other than me.

So when we were dating the first time, I refused his terms of non-exclusivity and I called him out and told him he had intimacy problems.  He hated that at the time, but a year later he came to me and told me that no woman had ever held her boundaries with him the way that I did, and that my words had changed him and he wanted to be different.

This is, I guess, where the friendship grew from.  I became his confidante and his friend in a way he wasn’t used to (he usually focuses only on sex with a woman) and with us we do everything but sex.  I have refused sex for over a year now because I feel it’s not appropriate for us to be involved in something casual and sexual and it’s not healthy for me.  He says he respects the way I am true to myself.

Over the past year there’s been huge changes in him; he’s taken on board all the things I have said, he’s cut out the casual dating, he’s stopped chasing all the women and he really wants to be different.  I guess the frustration for me is that he doesn’t actually want a relationship with me.

As to why, I guess it’s one of two reasons.

I know for certain that he feels very strong emotional and sexual connection with me and those are usually the two ingredients for a relationship; but something holds him back.

Reason 1 could be that he is not ready yet for that level of commitment and he knows a relationship with me would be quite serious because we are already close.  We have come a long way in the past year and I am the first woman (maybe ever) that he is truly emotionally intimate with and maybe making it a relationship isn’t something he’s ready for.  Maybe he needs time to be friends before moving into something else and being friends with him is a new thing.  He has said to me a few times that he wanted to develop the friendship and connection with me in 2018 and then who knows.

Reason 2 could be that there is just something about me he doesn’t see as long-term partner potential.  I can’t say what this would or could be because we are similarly matched in education, finances, family values, intellect etc. and we honestly do just have so much fun and get on so well and there’s fireworks in terms of chemistry on both sides,  but it could be something else that I am not aware of.  Who knows if maybe he has a mental list and I don’t tick some arbitrary box.

Asking him is fruitless because he doesn’t really know himself.

When I asked him a year ago why he wasn’t able to just “try” an exclusive relationship with me (on the basis that this is how you find out if someone is right for you) he said it was because it was too “intense” and because he felt our connection was very strongly sexual and lacked the friendship element.  Now a year later we have the friendship and the sexual element but he still feels it’s not “quite right”.

It feels to me a bit like he makes excuses and none of them really make sense.

Yes, I don’t think he lies about the excuses.  I think he honestly doesn’t know – like some kind of very deep denial that there’s a problem.

I agree the MO with me is only different because we’re friends and we don’t have sex.

My understanding of his relationships is this:  he is honest from day one that he doesn’t do exclusivity (he did with me be honest) so the women who agree to date him and have sex with him on these terms are doing so of their own will and he feels this therefore makes it okay.  I agree with you that’s it’s still now okay because they’re really doing it in the hope he falls in love.

Yes, I agree.