fbpx
Menu

What do I do now?

HomeForumsTough TimesWhat do I do now?

New Reply
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #432240
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lulu:

    I replied to you on your other thread before I was aware that this thread exists. I just read your original post above, and I am amazed at how strong and intelligent..  and a good writer you are, considering the very hard times and suffering that you and your family have been going through for so long. Considering your very difficult, heartbreaking history and current circumstances, you are doing very well.

    Please stay strong, don’t give up on life and on success for yourself!

    I hope that you continue to share here, to vent, to express yourself, as long as it helps, please do.

    anita

     

    #432243
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Lulu

    Wow, no wonder you are feeling burnt out. You have been through so much at such a young age.

    I’m deeply sorry to hear about your experiences of SA and your father questioning you about that, as well as the resulting trauma.

    I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your father over the years.

    I’m sorry to hear that your sibling has a difficult kind of cancer. This is horrible for the whole family in a variety of different ways. I hear that it is difficult for other siblings who aren’t given the same level of care as the ill one in this situation.

    I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t accepted for your pick of school and that you didn’t get the opportunity to resit your SATs to accurately reflect your ability.

    I’m glad to hear that you have a therapist, though it would be great if he could return from vacation soon. I think you’re being very resourceful seeking out people to speak to in his absence.

    I would like to reassure you that your circumstances do not detract from who you are. You and your abilities shine through and I don’t think that it is pity that got you accepted at a school like that. You come across as a high performer who has been through some pretty devastating circumstances.

    Another difficulty is that your sibling’s health issues are ongoing. Do you think this will have an impact on your schooling? Where will you live if your mother and sibling are moving?

    You’re a very resilient person to have been through so much. I think it would be a good idea to be gentle with yourself while you are struggling. You have tried so hard and been through so much! It’s incredible. You are allowed to struggle with such difficulties. Anyone would, no matter how strong they are.

    Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

    #432245
    Lulu
    Participant

    Hello Anita. I want to say sorry for the very long rant, I’m sure it was a chore to read through, but I didn’t have any other place to put my thoughts concisely.

    I was on reddit for a bit, but that ended up not helping me, lol, so I decided to come here. I wanted to find a place for mindfulness and a safe space to just exist with other people outside of real life.

    About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you. I’ve always felt the urge to really get into the grit of psychology, but the main thing I wanted to do was make a difference in the lives of others. I can definitely see why you wanted to go into psychology; you’re doing amazing just with this forum and have helped so many people that you’ve become almost if not a full time therapist.

    All of this is just to say, I really hope everything gets better Anita. I haven’t been feeling sure of myself like I used to, and even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc etc, but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me.

    I think that at this point, if I could become half the person I aspired to be, that would be enough for me in life. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this 🙂

    #432246
    Lulu
    Participant

    Sometimes, I don’t think about anything that has been happening. Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy and everything feels like it’s feel.

    And then there are days where it feels as though the very world is ending for me and I get lost in a sea of bad memories and feelings.

    I appreciate you taking the time to dissect my long rant, I know the online guidelines say 1000 to 2000 words, but I just got into such a mood that I felt the urge to blurt it out. I never got the chance to fully communicate my trauma and thoughts to the people in my life outside of my mom and therapist occasionally, so it felt like a weight has been released.

    I’m still not sure where I’m going to be once I graduate or how this is going to occur or how North Carolina is, but I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family.

    I’ll also try not to rant on here again like I have, but should anything major arise, I’ll provide updates here and there so I can ground myself. I hope that even though Tiny Buddha can’t replace an actual professionally acquired therapist, it can still be a pillar for my mental health as I enter college.

    All of this is just to say, it feels good to be acknowledged outside of my trauma and my current situation. It often doesn’t feel like there’s a me outside of it, but right now, it feels like there’s a glimmer in there. Thank you both and have a good night. I’ll continue to float around the website for as long as I feel necessary, and hope to see both you and Anita around here.

    #432250
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lulu: I wanted to let you know that I am working on a long reply for you and it will take some time to complete.

    anita

    #432262
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lulu:

    I want to say sorry for the very long rant“- no need to apologize, as far as I am concerned. I would like you to feel comfortable with any length of your posts! Actually, this post will be very long.

    I really hope everything gets better Anita“- I hope so too, Lulu!

    Even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- you deserve success, I have no doubt about it. I want to talk about your doubt later on, in this post.

    Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this“- you are welcome, and thank you for being here. I would like you to stay here for as long as you want, as often as you want, and express yourself at any length per post. You are welcome here!

    About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you“- this is.. so sweet of you to say, thank you!

    Earlier this morning, before getting to the computer, I was thinking about your original post in this thread, and I want to first, summarize it (Part 1 below), and then, respond to it more at length (Part 2 below), keeping in mind (1) the self-doubt you expressed in your latest post, and (2)  the question in the title of this thread: What do I do now?:

    Part 1, Summary: You shared that you (17, going on 18) live in a public housing unit with your mother and 4 younger siblings, all are your mother’s biological children: a brother with ADHD, a sister with special needs (same sister as the one with a disabling autoimmune issues, or a different one?), a sister with bone cancer, and a 6-year old half sibling. Your mother was recently laid off from her job and is unemployed.

    Your father, after separating from your mother, had 3 children with other women, one is to turn 7 this year, another was put up for adoption, and the youngest is a toddler whom you never met. He is estranged from his current wife.

    Over the summer before you entered 9th grade (summer, 2021), you were sexually assaulted by a male family member. Filled with guilt and anxiety, you called your father for help. His response was to suggest that.. you may have been guilty for the assault, if you wore certain clothes. Some time later, he said that he didn’t remember that you told him about the assault.

    You had a terrible mental breakdown during 10th grade (February 2022), and one late night, you started writing a suicidal letter, but called a suicidal helpline which helped you that night. The following week though, you were sent to a psych ward for 3 weeks, and were diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. You were prescribed an antidepressant, but it didn’t seem to help. Nonetheless, you ended 10th grade with a distinguished honor roll, and with a slightly better outlook on life.

    During that time (2022), your ten-year-old sister started to have disabling autoimmune problems, and your father- with whom you were not in contact at the time- fell into a coma after taking a drug that was laced with (fentanyl perhaps), which caused his heart to stop and he almost died. Your mother took care of him in the hospital, and it seemed like they were friendly to each other. You were back to talking with him, and he broken down and apologized for how he treated you. The two of you maintained a relationship for a while, did things together, and you finally felt that you had your dad back, that your life was going right. Unfortunately, he had a falling out with your mother after she refused to get back together with him (Nov 2022).

    During your 11th grade (May 2023), your 14-year-old sister’s leg started hurting and it turned out to be osteosarcoma, bone cancer. You called your father to ask him to drive you to the SAT testing center, being that your mother had to stay with your sister in the hospital, and he answered the phone screaming, mistaken you for your mother. A few weeks later, on another call, the last call you had with him. You wrote about that call: “I had always wanted my dad to love me. I had spent my entire life chasing his affections to no avail. I said he was a selfish person and I didn’t care if he died. He just laughed at that. Then I hung up and never talked to him since. It was May 2023“.

    Following that, you, your mother and siblings travelled to Philadelphia so that your 14-year-old sister could get chemotherapy at the Children’s Hospital there. Your mother, siblings and you stayed in various hotels during that time (June-July 2023), some damp and dirty. You watched over your siblings while your mother was at the hospital with her 14-year-old. Nonetheless, you took the SAT (June 3, 2023), but you scored barely above average, given all the stress you were under.

    At the end of July 2023, you all moved to a one-floor apartment paid for by Children’s Hospital, and transfer to a school in the area (September 2023), where you did a bunch of AP classes, signed up for five clubs, and studied for your (2nd) SAT. Meanwhile, your sister had to get leg surgery, as well as multiple rounds of chemotherapy, and physical therapy for about five months, during which time, you were often left alone in the apartment with your siblings. Your grades started to slip slightly, and you had frequent breakdowns because you were so drained. You never took the 2nd SAT because there was no one to drive you to the testing center, but you did take test-optional.

    In Jan 31, 2024, the hospital stopped paying for the apartment in Philadelphia, and after 6 months in  Philadelphia, all of you moved back home. Your sister’s cancer was expected to be in remission, but a new tumor was found in her spine. In Feb 2024, all of you traveled back and forth to Philadelphia, staying in more hotels. In one of them, security guards busted into the room while your mother was at the hospital, and were taking a shower, because unknown to you, the room wasn’t paid for that night.

    In March 2024, you were chosen as a finalist for a PhD program (a PhD program for. undergraduates?) and was scheduled to go to DC at the end of March. You were thrilled, but a few days later, it was found that your sister’s spine tumor had begun to spread quickly, and you all had to rush to Philadelphia again. On April 7th, you found out that you were rejected from the program.

    You were accepted to a school close to home, but your mother wants to relocate to North Carolina, 10 hours away.  You expect to graduate high school on May 30, and your mother wants to move to N.C the day after, May 31, 2024, and Prom is on May 4, two days from today. About the Prom, you wrote, “three friends are excited to see me. And yet, I feel filled with regret, anxiety, and insecurity over everything“.

    Part 2: “even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it“- you have what it takes, Lulu. Your doubts will continue for a while: it’s a habit of the brain, a mental habit, and like any habit, habits persist.  But you can turn down the volume of these doubts, and over time, you will barely hear them.. until you won’t hear them anymore.

    People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- the courageous 17-going-on-18 Lulu, is the real thing, she is no imposter. If she needs to fake courage so to survive and thrive in very difficult circumstances, she is still authentically courageous. Faking courage for a good purpose is as authentic as can be.

    Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy.. And then there are days where it feels as though the world is ending“- when in bad times, do not despair: remember the good times of the past, and look forward to good times in the future.

    Focus on the Positive, on the Inspiring.

    I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family“- the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. Keep this prayer in mind.

    Let’s continue to communicate, Lulu, for as long as you want.

    anita

    #432276
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Lulu

    I’m happy for you that it feels good to be acknowledged outside of your current situation and like a weight has been released by letting your feelings out here. Please don’t worry about writing too much. 😊

    It is difficult being a teenager with trauma because it can feel like your peers don’t understand it. Many haven’t experienced trauma yet, and the ones that have don’t tend to talk about it and not everyone has been to therapy.

    I know what you mean about feeling like you’re losing sight of yourself and getting lost in the situation. That glimmer of you might feel far away, but from an outsider perspective it is still burning strong deep inside. I think sometimes life changes us and it can feel so different that we don’t recognize ourselves. What do you think?

    I think it’s incredible that you’re still able to have normal days where you feel happy despite everything you have been through. That shows how much work you have put in during therapy.

    Bad days are understandable given the challenges you face. When they happen it is good to give yourself some grace and allow your feelings. Please try to remember to take extra special care of yourself on these days. Do something nice for yourself even if it is small. You deserve that extra care when you are feeling vulnerable.

    I hope that you don’t mind if I pray for you? I have faith that things will fall into place for you during this period of intense change. I’m certain that you have the strength to get through this with your family. It won’t be easy, but you do already have the strength inside of you. On the days that it feels like you don’t, that strength is resting and recovering for when it is needed again.

    I look forward to next time you decide to share your thoughts and wish you good luck on your journey!

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #432294
    Lulu
    Participant

    Hello Anita! I have a few updates rn.

    So unfortunately, my therapist has just ended my treatment plan. I’ve had him for about almost two years and he says that he believes that the issues I had when I first entered therapy have subsided.

    I disagreed with him, and asked about continuing therapy deep into college and have yet to get a response from him, but my mom says she’s looking into it.

    Yesterday, I looked into getting additional therapy and it seems the college I got into offer frees services and accommodations. I’m looking to getting an evaluation for autism once I turn 18 and the college also provides free psychologist services as well, so that’s good.

    My financial aid for said school came back and my tuition is 5000 dollars a year. I got the maximum financial aid package as a result of my story, and I’m offically double majoring in Psychology and English Literature so I can pursue both writing and psychology.

    Yesterday, I have also started my anti depressants again. I have prozac that I’m taking 10mg of every morning, and I’m hoping that if I stay consistent with the medication, unlike the first time I tried taking it, the effects may be better.

    Tomorrow is prom day and I’m supposed to be surprising a friend of mine as she doesn’t know that I’m going. I’ve been out of school for almost 5 months now and just transferred back to my old school two days ago. I’m still nervous about whether or not I’m ready for college, but I’m hoping the prozac will ease the anxiety.

    In terms of my sister, everything is going the same. We’re supposed to be moving back to Philly on the 31st, and then my mom is seeing about moving to North Carolina shortly afterward to which I’m talking to her about staying back at home at college so I can take care of the house we have here while they temporarily stay in NC.

    My family seems a bit happier. My mom is very excited about me going to prom and I am as well. It’s going to feel weird seeing my friends again after a year of not being with them.

    My mom got my dress yesterday for cheap and it’s very beautiful. She’s going to do my hair and prep my make up tonight.

    Wish me luck Anita, and I’ll update on how Prom goes. I’ll be on the forum floating around until then. Thank you so much for your support thus far 🙂

    #432300
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lulu:

    I am sorry to read that your therapist just ended your treatment plan.

    “I disagreed with him, and asked about continuing therapy deep into college… Yesterday, I looked into getting additional therapy“- that’s assertive and proactive on your part, I am impressed with you!

    I got the maximum financial aid package as a result of my story, and I’m officially double majoring in Psychology and English Literature, so I can pursue both writing and psychology“- congratulations, and how exciting!

    Yesterday, I have also started my anti depressants again. I have Prozac that I’m taking 10mg of every morning, and I’m hoping that if I stay consistent with the medication, unlike the first time I tried taking it, the effects may be better.. I’m hoping the Prozac will ease the anxiety“- I hope so too. Anti-depressants ease anxiety (and depression) for millions of people, it’s likely to ease yours as well.

    I’m talking to her about staying back at home at college so I can take care of the house we have here while they temporarily stay in NC“- again, you are assertive and proactive, and again, I am positively impressed with you!

    My family seems a bit happier. My mom is very excited about me going to prom and I am as well. It’s going to feel weird seeing my friends again after a year of not being with them. My mom got my dress yesterday for cheap and it’s very beautiful. She’s going to do my hair and prep my make up tonight. Wish me luck Anita“- this is exciting! I do wish you luck, and I am glad that you are assertive and proactive, and therefore, you have something going for you that’s much more reliable than luck!

    I’ll update on how Prom goes. I’ll be on the forum floating around until then. Thank you so much for your support thus far“- you are very welcome. I am looking forward to your update!

    anita

    #432578
    Lulu
    Participant

    Hey Anita, this is Lulu.

    I had Prom a week ago by now. It went well I think. I haven’t been to that school in a year and since I lost a lot of weight and was wearing make-up, a lot of people didn’t recognize me. It was nice being called beautiful, even when I didn’t feel any different.

    I managed to contact with some old friends, particularly the people I haven’t talked to since I left.

    After Prom, I got a few messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while. Some apologized for not keeping in contact. Some said they couldn’t believe how much I had changed. I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different.

    I spent most of Prom hanging outside in a small tent with an old friend and her friend group. I was congratulated on my acceptance to college, especially since it’s notorious for being difficult to get into since last year’s valedictorian was the only person who got in.

    And speaking of valedictorian, this year’s valedictorian has been a good friend of mine since middle school. After my sister got diagnosed and I moved away, we didn’t talk. At least until now. At Prom, we sat down and talked for almost two hours. She hugged me and we cried. She said she hopes to see me at graduation.

    I’m still on my antidepressants. Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’m still recovering from that. My mouth and chin are incredibly swollen. According to my mom and sister, I cried when I woke up from surgery and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again. They said I wanted the nurse to love me and I kept apologizing for not being perfect. I just kept saying sorry over and over again for not being perfect. Apparently, the nurse said I was perfect and she loved me, but I’m sure she was just trying to calm me down. My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok.

    My mom and siblings are getting ready for North Carolina. I’m staying home so I can take care of our pets. My psychologycollege professor emailed me a few days ago so we can meet via zoom call and talk about some classroom plans.

    Some highlights of this week; I got to play Smash Brothers with a guy friend of mine for about two hours. It was nice talking to him, especially since he’s been busy with college classes. I also got invited to another friend’s graduation party at Prom, so that was nice.

    My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.

    In the meantime, how have you been Anita?

    #432583
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lulu:

    Good to read your update! I read your ever word even though I am not responding to every word.

    It was nice being called beautiful“- it makes me smile to read this: beautiful Lulu, it sounds Lovely!

    I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different“- I guess you don’t feel different from one day to the next, but them not having seen you for many, may days, could tell the positive difference.

    Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out… and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again… I kept apologizing for not being perfect… My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok“- I am glad the hugged you and told you that they love you.

    No one is perfect: not the nurse, not your mom, not me, not anyone. You are in good, imperfect company, Lulu!

    My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.”– You are fine, Lulu!

    In the meantime, how have you been Anita?“- tired but fine as well. The rain stopped, summer is approaching quickly..

    Take good care of yourself, Lovely Lulu!

    anita

    anita

    #432797
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Lulu? (sorry for the double anita in the above post of a week ago, I just noticed).

    anita (just one of me)

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.