Dear Andypandy499:

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this difficult time. It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and confused, especially given your past experiences and the trust you placed in her.

It’s important to remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel suspicious and concerned given the circumstances. You’ve shown her love, respect, generosity, and trust, and it’s only natural to want that in return.

Taking time for yourself and seeking support from friends, family, or even a therapist might help you navigate these emotions. PTSD and low self-esteem can make situations like this even more challenging, so it’s crucial to take care of your mental well-being during this time.

If she needs space, it might be best to give it to her while you focus on your own healing and clarity. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel secure, respected, and valued.

Hang in there, and know that you’re not alone in this. Take things one step at a time and trust that you’ll find the path that’s right for you.

anita

Dear Andypandy499:

This morning I studied your posts in your first thread of Nov-Dec 2022, where I communicated with you. At the time, you were in a long-distance relationship for nearly three years, which ended abruptly when your girlfriend disappeared without explanation.

She had been involved with another person since early 2021 while still with you. You discovered her betrayal through a blog. You then wrote a letter expressing your feelings and your battle with cancer but received no response. You struggled with feelings of unworthiness, betrayal, and the impact on your mental health.

Your girlfriend’s secret relationship and the lies she told deeply hurt you and severely impacted your ability to trust. You invested heavily emotionally, financially, and physically in the relationship, making her betrayal even more painful. The lack of closure and communication exacerbated your feelings of hopelessness and confusion.

In your second thread of yesterday, you shared that you entered a relationship with someone who had a history of domestic violence. The two of you had a strong connection, but she became distant, and you discovered her Facebook profile with male admirers and an old Tinder profile. She asked for space to think, and you feel hurt and helpless, similar to your previous experience in 2022.

Seems like the pattern of feeling deceived and hurt is recurring, leading to feelings of déjà vu and frustration on your part. Your past experiences with betrayal and lies have made you more suspicious, which is understandable given your history, as your PTSD and past trauma make you more susceptible to emotional pain and impact your ability to trust and feel secure in relationships.

Addressing your question in the title of this thread: “Am I being stupid again?”-

– No, you are not being “stupid”. It’s important to acknowledge that your feelings and reactions are valid, given the circumstances and past experiences. It’s not stupidity; it’s a response to trauma and hurt.

As far as what you did wrong, it seems there was a lack of open communication about your concerns and feelings. Instead of addressing them directly with your current girlfriend, you turned to investigating her online activity.

Here are some suggestions for moving forward: (1) Consider seeking therapy or counseling to address PTSD, trust issues, and emotional healing. A competent, capable professional can help you process past traumas and develop coping strategies.

(2) Focus on self-care and activities that bring you joy and peace. Healing is a gradual process, and it’s important to prioritize your well-being.

(3) Foster open and honest communication in relationships. Express your concerns and listen to your partner’s perspective.

(4) Take time to evaluate the actions and behavior of your partners. It’s okay to take things slow and ensure that trust is built over time.

Your experiences have been incredibly challenging, and it’s understandable to feel hurt and helpless. But remember, you are strong, and you deserve a loving and respectful relationship. Healing takes time, and with support and self-care, you can move forward and find contentment.

anita

Dear Andypandy499:

Thank you for clarifying your actions regarding Facebook. It’s understandable to feel confused and anxious in a situation like this.

It’s commendable that you have respected her wishes by not messaging or calling her. Giving her the space she requested shows maturity and consideration for her feelings, even though it’s difficult for you.

Not being able to express your love daily, especially with the upcoming weekend and the 14th, can amplify feelings of anxiety and sadness. It’s natural to wonder about her plans and feelings during this time.

Overthinking can indeed make your feelings worse. When you find yourself spiraling with thoughts, try grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or focusing on the present moment otherwise, and remind yourself of the rational perspective you mentioned—she might be at home, working things out in her head. Try to focus on what you know rather than speculating on worst-case scenarios.

It’s a challenging time, but giving her space and focusing on your own well-being are positive steps. Trust that things will become clearer with time. Keep being kind to yourself and remember that you are not alone in this journey.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Take care of yourself, and I hope you find some peace and clarity soon.

anita

Thanks Anita

Keep up your fine work. 😊 You are a treasure! ❤️

Dear Andypandy499::

Thank you for sharing your experience and for opening up about the challenges you’ve been facing. Losing a parent can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience, and it’s understandable that processing such a loss takes time and trigger other emotional issues.

It’s commendable that you have started counseling sessions to address your grief and PTSD. Recognizing the impact of your behavior on your girlfriend and being willing to work on rebuilding her trust shows a deep commitment to your relationship and personal growth.

Here are a few suggestions: (1) Share your feelings and progress with your girlfriend. Let her know that you are committed to working on your issues and that you value her support and understanding, (2) Be consistent in your actions and patient with the process. Show her through your behavior that you are dedicated to positive change, (3) Consider involving her in some of your counseling sessions or finding a couples’ therapist. This can help both of you navigate the healing process together and strengthen your bond, and (4) Continue working on self-care and coping strategies to manage your PTSD and grief. This will not only benefit you but also improve your relationship.

It’s clear that you care deeply for her and believe in your future together. With dedication and support, you can work through these challenges and emerge stronger as a couple.

Wishing you strength and healing as you navigate this journey.

anita