Hi Calavene,

I might be wrong but it sounds like you are asking the “should I stay or should I go” question. In the ideal world, she will breaks up with her boyfriend and fall in love with you because that way, you won’t end up as the bad guy. Failing that, you want to cut her off so you will stop thinking about it because hope is indeed the most exquisite torture. But if you do this, you will be inflicting pain on someone you love and because you don’t want to tell her how you feel, she will never understand why you are friends one day and get the cold shoulder the next.

So your options seems to be between hurting someone you don’t know (the boyfriend, and this will only happen if she leaves him for you) or hurting someone you love (which is a certainty if you cut her off). If the relationship between the two of you is as close as you described and that you going to see her regularly due to army training, it’s better to let her know how you feel and let her decide. Afterall, you can only be responsible for your part and it’s for her to decide who to have a relationship with. If she returns your feelings, you don’t have to get together immediately to give her time to break it off with her boyfriend. If she doesn’t, well at least you will both have closure.

Good luck man.

Hi calavene,

It is possible that she does feel something for you, but says nothing because you don’t. It’s also possible that her boyfriend is “Too bad to stay, too good to leave”. A lot of things are possible.

But let me tell you, in this world it is The Lady’s Choice who she will be with! You are not responsible for breaking up a relationship. You don’t have that much power! She does. She could break up with him when he doesn’t propose on Christmas or for missing Valentine’s Day. Or because she wants to. You are not a caveman who could simply carry her away. She is not an object or another man’s possession. She is a sovereign free agent. Her own being. Her boyfriend is just that. A boyfriend. Not a husband. Not a fiancé.

I say, put your guilt aside, tell her how you feel. If all is well, she will reciprocate and let her boyfriend be responsible for his own feelings. Or, she will gently let you down easy. But what a relief! To get that off your chest, and not live with “What If?” I think her saying “No” (or “Yes”) to you is vastly better than setting her aside.

Just my Opine,

Inky

My dear calavene,

Remember that everything changes. Not that you were ever an ugly duckling or are even now a swan, but ~ you are a different person than you were seven, ten, twenty years ago. Everyone is. And people, as well as constantly changing, are also pretty much the same everywhere. Awesome people with flaws as well as jerks with a rare glimmer of a heart of gold. Even the perfect person for you will unwittingly break your heart ~ even a little.

Military training has probably helped you to put the mission first, to keep moving, soldier! That includes the rest of your life, too. I hear you, I am an introvert and suspect have some social anxiety disorder. Trust me, I know what it’s like to interact with people, make confessions, etc. But keep your ultimate mission in mind: to have a family/relationship. Let’s just admit that’s what you really want.

Confessing or even asking through a mutual friend, would be great! But if that doesn’t pan out, try to let people glimpse inside the fortress walls. They won’t get in, but let the most likely have a peek. Then, if they prove themselves worthy, lower the drawbridge for an hour or two.

Inky

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.