Dear loveandkisseszaphod:

There is one detail that is very, very important but you didn’t mention it: did he offer to pay for a new mattress, did he order a new mattress for you so to replace the one he destroyed?

He told you that “he can’t stomach the fact that I kicked him out of the house for an incident that he had almost no control over”-

– but did he do the basic, decent thing that he did have control over = order you a new mattress of the same or better quality than the one he destroyed?

anita

I agree with Anita. It’s appalling that he didn’t at least offer to pay you back, even just a little at a time, for the mattress that you had to go buy AND the fact that he seems like it should be no big deal and that you should’ve just brushed it off basically without apology or him trying to make it up to you.  This is bigger than him just peeing on a mattress and you “overracting.”  This is a lack of respect and decency on his part and shows how irresponsible he is. He didn’t show you any understanding at all, even after he sobered up.  I get what it’s like to not be able to afford to replace things, but there are other ways to make it up… run errands for you, do extra chores to make things easier on you for a while, do a few extra jobs to make spare money or sell some things and then pay you back. He should have apologized very sincerely. He put zero effort into any of that and instead complained to his friends who, of course, all agreed because they are probably alcoholics as well.

I feel like you’re feeling bad right now because it’s essentially a new break up, you dated for 2 years so you have an attachment to this man, and it’s going to take some time for you to detach, and that process always feels pretty bad. After that, though, you’ll likely view this situation clearly and be thankful it ended.

Dear loveandkisseszaphod:

You are welcome.

“he has a more difficult life then mine…  he was taking care of his mother who was going through a heavy cancer treatment.. He then lost his mother. He is in debt” – I feel empathy for him but it doesn’t change the basic requirement of decency. He should not have left you with a urine soaked mattress and tell you “sh** (or pee, really) happens”.

“I had no relations with any man for over 6-7 years”.. “I just needed someone that I felt comfortable with and he was available and easygoing”- understandable. But it is not too much to ask for available, easygoing, and exercising minimal, basic personal responsibility.

Post again anytime.

anita

Dear loveandkisseszaphod,

I will start by tuning in with some of the other users above by saying that you deserve more. The break up story itself, whether its a weird one or not (I think not) doesn’t matter. The mattress doesn’t matter. Whether he has reasons for behaving like he did doesn’t matter! What matters is that you respect yourself and put limits. And you did! You are a brave and loving person and I have faith in you. Congratulations for showing up for yourself, because many would not be able to.

To be more specific, I want to emphasise the following: You did NOT overreact. On a side not, one could ask who was overreacting; You, for wanting some peace, or he, for braking up because you wanted some peace? Anyway, none of you overreacted. You “kicking” him out was NOT an act against him, but rather, it was you responding to your needs! You know it’s true. And wether or not he realises that doesn’t matter. Whether his friends and colleagues understands that DOESN’T MATTER. Because YOU know the truth of your actions! You know that it was an act of love for yourself. In his case, the guilt and shame he feels from behaving the way he did makes him feel awful, so he turns to his friends and colleagues to seek validation to proof that he’s a good person (everyone want so be a good person). Further, the lack of self-love required to forgive himself, prevents him from being able to continue being with you in this stage of live. In the meantime, if you can: Practice acceptance with being misunderstood. You reacted in response to your needs and that is called self love and I’m so f* proud of you <3

From what I read, I interpret you as a reflective person who want to become a better person, and you have strong sense of empathy. This makes you sensitive to his point of view and you can understand where he’s coming from and you see his beautiful sides. Because I am sure he is wonderful too! But what many people like you (including myself) tend to forget is that, just because we understand why a certain person behaves in a certain way, doesn’t mean we are bound to cope with it. In my previous relationship, I was continuously making excuses for my ex’s comments and behaviours, because I was knew that “he doesn’t mean it that way”. These were small things, like, not paying attention when I did things for him, or not caring about cleaning up after himself despite that he knew how much it meant to me. Small things, sure, but point is, our relationship didn’t make me feel good because he could never reflect on himself or try to see understand my viewpoint. I truly believe he wanted to, but he just could not look himself in the mirror and admit that there were areas in his life that he could improve.

You say that he said “… if we don’t break up now, it will be devastating later.” This is hard to take in. But he is probably right. Thank him for being brave and speaking his mind. The love you gave for yourself that day makes it impossible for him to use you for his comfort zone, so he needs to go and look for it elsewhere. I hope however, that he start to look within himself, but the alcohol might prevent him from doing so.

Now, breathe.
1. Thank yourself for showing up for yourself that day. Say it out loud until you believe it.
2. Forgive him for behaving like he did, his self-esteem was under threat.
3. Accept being misunderstood. The only one who needs to understand is you.

There’s nothing to regret and I support you forever <3

Thank you! For sharing your story. It made me reflect on my previous decisions and made me feel better about them. Let the healing take time. Wounds will come to the surface from time to time and it will pain. Let it be, surrender to it, feel it fully, and let go of it. Repeat.

You’ve got this.

Jonna

Dear loveandkisseszaphod:

I think you did well to not contact him.

I noticed that in your original post you referred to him as a “naïve partner”, and you wrote about him: “He usually doesn’t know what to do in certain situations”-

– if this is the case, then it would have made sense if he listened to his less naïve partner (you) in regard to what it is he should be doing in certain situations. Problem is, he didn’t want your guidance, and he didn’t want “to change for anyone.. doesn’t want anything from life”-

.. doesn’t want anything from life= not your guidance and not your comfort, which is why I figure it is a good thing that you didn’t contact him so far, no matter how much you miss him and feel for him.

anita