Home→Forums→Relationships→We are very different. I don’t know what to do about him
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June 25, 2021 at 3:48 pm #381982
AnonymousGuestDear Luna:
I would like to understand better, therefore I ask:
(1) Did I understand correctly: you haven’t seen in-person/ been with this man in four years, following a one year relationship while attending college together?
(2) Are you trying to move far away, to a city near him, for the purpose of to jump-starting a romantic relationship with a man you do not love, a man you are not attracted to, a man with whom you have nothing in common?
(3) You wrote: “All my friends tell me that I am very lucky to be with my boyfriend because he is a very good man”- if you did not see him in 4 years, living far away.. are your friends people who have met him.. are they living in his part of the country or in yours. Are they long-distance friends to you?
anita
June 25, 2021 at 6:33 pm #381983AnonymousInactiveDear anita
thanks for reading my long post
1_ I have not been with this man for the last three years. We were only together for a year and lived together for about the last 4 months of that first year. After the separation, our relationship became long distance.
2_ yes and no. The reason for my decesion is also becues of job oppertunities. I can not work in my field in my hometown. It was hard for us to separate at the time and we both promised to try to get close.
My feelings are very complicated. Something between love and not loving. I feel like a stupid person who needs to be told what to do about it because I no longer trust my feelings. I do not understand how I got from feeling in love to being like this and whether this feeling is due to distance or whether I am creating problems in my head or not. Whether I will still feel this way when I get to see him or not, I do not know. When he says that he loves me I say I love him too but I feel guilty for not knowing the truth about whether it’s true or not. I know that if he finds out about these thoughts, he will be very disappointed and heartbroken.
He was very supportive to me and did everything for my well-being when I was deeply depressed. I know he cares about his loved ones more than himself and he does not deserve what I think about him.
3_ Yes. My friends are people who have met him and they know him since collage and some are living in his part of the country
But I know its not like they know him better than me …
June 25, 2021 at 8:18 pm #381984AnonymousGuestDear Luna:
You are welcome. I will answer you further when I am more focused tomorrow morning (in about 10 hours from now). For now, I’d say: you had a one year relationship with him during college, only 4 months of living together- that’s not a long time. Then a 3 years of physical separation- it is not surprising that within these 3 years you got to know him more (long-distance) and your feelings changed. I think that it is very important that you don’t put yourself in a situation where you feel that you “have to” be physically intimate with a man you do not like/ a man you are not attracted to. I believe that you should let him know, gently and honestly, that the relationship of years ago has ended some time ago.
anita
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June 26, 2021 at 1:17 am #381987
TeeParticipantDear Luna,
it seems to be that in the beginning he tried to “save” you, and was very enthusiastic about your relationship. Then he got disillusioned (like he does with other things in his life, such as photography), and he reverted to his normal self – which is feeling anxious, worthless, lacking enthusiasm, somewhat depressed, exhibiting passive aggressive and other immature behavior, and last but not least, lacking interest in the relationship (“he does not know why he gets bored easily after some time in a relationship”).
You liked his enthusiasm and energy in the beginning of your relationship. You don’t like his present self, because he’s not listening to your complaints – he tends to shut you up and tell you you’re overreacting. He gets scared when you talk about your suicidal thoughts, and this makes you feel alone. He doesn’t want to talk about his problems and his emotions with you. He stonewalls you and then sulks if you demand that he talk to you.
It seems that at this point, you can’t stand each other’s bad mood, and cannot really support each other in any way:
I cannot stand his bad mood, and this has made both of us tired of each other. I cannot face someone else’s negative energy when I am in a bad mood I can’t take it and Im sorry about this.
In the past he could stand your bad mood, but now he cannot and doesn’t want to, because he has enough of his own problems. You miss his support and enthusiasm that he showed in the beginning, and because of that you started resenting him.
You also realized you’re very different, have different interests, political views, views about life etc. You have hardly anything in common, other than the childhood trauma (“family issues, father issues“). Since the original dynamic – him trying to save you and you relying on his help and support – changed, there’s nothing that binds you any more.
It seems to me there’s really no point in staying together, because both of you have serious issues to work on, and once you solve those issues, it’s not sure you would even like each other. It’s not sure you would even be compatible.
What you like about him is that he wouldn’t cheat on you (“He has most of the moral qualities I expected from my partner. I trust him completely and I know he does not talk to anyone else.”). But other than, there isn’t much that you like about him, is there? And maybe, there isn’t much that he likes about you either at this point. You think he would be disappointed and heartbroken if he found out that you’re so unsure about him, but perhaps he would be relieved?
June 26, 2021 at 6:42 am #381988AnonymousGuestDear Luna:
1) In your original post, you wrote: “My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years”. In your second post, you clarified: “I have not been with this man for the last three years”.
In my view, it would be more accurate to say: My former boyfriend and I had a one-year relationship that ended 3 years ago. We never got together in those 3 years, but kept in touch long-distance.
2) You described your mental state before and now: “my depression problem was very severe… had family issues. Father issues.. I am dealing with PTSD and had sexual abuse when I was a child and family problems, chronic depression and anxiety. Due to financial problems, I have not resorted to therapy for a year, but I intend to start treatment again after moving for work”- If I was in your shoes, at 25 years old, I would focus on finding work, moving for work, and receiving professional treatment for PTSD, anxiety and depression. I would not consider any romantic relationship before I receive enough professional treatment.
3) You shared that you “no longer feel romantically attracted to him.. for several reasons”. You then went on to say that he is “an extraordinary man, very kind, supportive and patient. He has most of the moral qualities I expect”, etc., and next, you listed at great length those several reasons for no longer feeling romantically attracted to him: “he tried to shut me up.. He has difficulty expressing his feelings… He has a passive aggressive behavior… We have nothing in common… I like the noise, he is annoyed by loud sounds…. He eats a limited number of foods… When we want to video chat he wears his oldest T-shirt, which I hate…There were times when I waited for him to respond to my message, but he did not respond until the next day…”-
– It is as if you are in a courthouse on trial, accused for losing your romantic attraction to him, and you make a case for him (“He is an extraordinary man”, etc.), and a case against him (those many detailed reasons). Thing is, you are not accused by any legal authority of a crime, and you are under no obligation to justify your loss of interest in him. You are not obligated to resume an in-person romantic relationship with him, or any relationship of any kind with him, because you are not married to him, you do not have a child with him, you do not own property together, you don’t work for him or with him.
There is no reason.. to give reasons so to justify you losing your romantic feelings for him, no reason to build a case for him or against him: you are allowed to change your mind and heart about him.
“Do I have high expectations and am I ungrateful?”- you lost your romantic interest in him, and you don’t really like him much. That’s an adequate reason to not be in a romantic relationship with him. Having high expectations or not and being grateful or ungrateful is irrelevant to the issue.
“I do not know if the problem is with my depression”- that’s why I recommend that you don’t consider a romantic relationship with any man before you receive treatment that includes psychotherapy.
“All my friends tell me that I am very lucky to be with my boyfriend because he is a very good man”- what they tell you is irrelevant because if you get back with him, it will be you in his bed, you getting up with him and living your life with him, not your friends.
“Is it possible that if I get into a relationship with someone else, I will lose attraction after seeing their weaknesses and mistakes?”- sure it’s possible, but to have a romantic relationship with a man, you have to like him and appreciate him enough so to overlook his weaknesses and mistakes. From what you shared, you do not like or appreciate this particular man enough. You will be able to answer this question further yourself after adequate psychotherapy.
“I do not understand how I got from feeling in love to being like this”- feelings do not remain the same for anyone. Feelings naturally change. Millions and millions of people got from feeling in love to not.
“When he says that he loves me I say I love him too but I feel guilty for not knowing the truth about whether it’s true or not. I know that if he finds out about these thoughts, he will be very disappointed and heartbroken”- imagine living with him and experiencing this guilt every day, guilt and probably anger at him and at yourself. That would be a recipe for disaster, as far as your mental health goes.
“He was very supportive to me and did everything for my well-being when I was deeply depressed. I know he cares about his loved ones more than himself and he does not deserve what I think about him”- after you get settled and employed, and after you start receiving psychotherapy, if you still think that you owe him for his previous support of you, then talk to your therapist about offering him a sum of money as a payment for his past support of you. Don’t offer your mind and body as payment. He does not deserve that kind of sacrifice.
anita
June 28, 2021 at 3:39 pm #382085AnonymousGuestI hope to read from you again, Luna, and I wish you well!
anita
July 3, 2021 at 1:41 pm #382373AnonymousInactiveDear anita I’m sorry, I was very busy for a while and I could not answer quickly. Thank you for your reply. I laughed a little after reading my post. I think I was very emotional. It really looked like I was in a courthouse. I think the reason is that I feel I will be responsible for his sadness after the relationship ends. I’m afraid that I might regret it and I’m afraid of feeling guilty for him too. I know he will be against ending the relationship. Earlier, after a fight, I told him to end our relationship, but seeing his insistence and my own fear, I did not insist on it.
July 3, 2021 at 2:25 pm #382384AnonymousInactiveThank you Teak for making time to read and answer my post💙
What you said is true. He lost his father to addiction and insanity. So with all of this what you said about him trying to save me at first looks true.
Its not like I dont like anything about him at all. I like That he is a gentleman. I like that he is extremely polite and respectful of others (professors, elders, and his family and friends). Most of the guys around me were very childish, just like my ex but He was more mature than them. He is also very responsible and generous.
About him being disappointed and heartbroken if he found out that you’re so unsure about him I tried to end it once. It was after a fight. I told him that things does not work and that it was better to end the relationship. He didn’t know what to say at first. In the end he insisted that the problems started ever since we moved away and everything would be fine if we tried. He made promises and said that he would correct the behaviors that I thought were wrong and that his life would be very sad and unbearable without me. I felt guilty and did not insist on whether or not we should breakup I wasnt sure the decision to breakup was right and didn’t insist. I was and maybe I am still looking for my feelings to return.
July 3, 2021 at 2:30 pm #382385AnonymousGuestDear Luna:
You are welcome. No need to apologize- whenever you post is okay with me. As long as you are not living with him, as long as you are continuing a long-distance relationship with a man you don’t really like and to whom you are not attracted- is not that painful. But if you move to where he lives, and find yourself having a physical relationship with .. a man you don’t really like and to whom you are not attracted- that can be very painful. I hope it doesn’t come to that.
anita
July 4, 2021 at 2:27 pm #382410TeeParticipantDear Luna,
you’re welcome. You say you like his moral qualities, you trust he wouldn’t cheat on you, he’s a gentleman, extremely polite and respectful of others (professors, elders, and his family and friends), more mature than other guys, responsible and generous.
But he’s not respectful of you when he tells you that he is bored with your conversations (“He thinks our words and chats are boring”), or he repeatedly falls asleep when you agree to have a video call, or he tells you he gets bored with a relationship after a while. That alone is a romance killer, and a red flag that something is wrong, even if he tells you he loves you. Do you want to live with a guy who is bored by you?
On top of that come pretty severe differences in worldview: “Our opinions about life and everything are different and we cant discuss society or politics or life issues with each other because we would get upset or disappointed about the way we think.” How wise is it to share life with someone whose way of looking at life is fundamentally different than yours?
You say you tried to break up with him before but he didn’t take it well:
In the end he insisted that the problems started ever since we moved away and everything would be fine if we tried…. He said that his life would be very sad and unbearable without me.
If he is bored with you while in a long-distance relationship, what would happen if you were there, by his side, day in and day out? Wouldn’t he be even more bored?
What’s coming to me is that he might need you to provide him with some sort of security, perhaps a sense of familiarity, without which he might start feeling anxious. If he had a father with mental problems, whom he tried to save, it’s a similar dynamic like he has/had with you. You might give him the same sense of familiarity, which to him feels comforting. But at the same time, he also resents it – he resents being your savior, like he probably resented being his father’s savior. This resentment manifests in him losing interest in the relationship, falling asleep, and doing other passive aggressive things. Do you think this might be the case?
If so, he doesn’t really love you for who you are, but for a role you play in his psyche, reminding him of his father. As I said before, your bond might be based on trauma, not on true appreciation for each other.
August 8, 2021 at 4:38 pm #384341AnonymousInactiveHello, after a long time
I wanted to say that I broke up with him. Im so sad. However, I feel that this was a painful must, and you gave me the courage to make a serious decision and look at things more clearly. Thank you both @anita and @TeaK
It was as you said he knew that was coming. We had a friendly, calm and undresyanding ending that was very painful.
We both cried. I feel very distressed and confused.
I did not think it would be so hard and painful like this. This is the first time I feel this way.
I feel that all the problems have flowed to me from everywhere and I do not feel safe anymore.. It’s like I was givin a yarn full of knots to open and I don’t know where to start If you know what I mean.
I feel he was the only safe ground I had.
There are many things that are happening right now. I could not even talk to anyone about my break up because everyone is very involved in their problems and things that are going on.But it is very strange how we humans can live in spite of all this suffering. I feel like a glass full of cracks. I was cracked by a lot of bullets, but I will not break. it’s painful. I just remembered the bulletproof glassand how it breaks lol
I ask myself why I have to add a new kind of pain to my pains. So far, I have endured a lot and gone through many problems. It amazes me how I managed to do this.August 8, 2021 at 8:41 pm #384353AnonymousGuestDear Luna:
I will read and reply to you in about 12 hours.
anita
August 9, 2021 at 2:10 am #384363TeeParticipantDear Luna,
good to hear from you again! I think it was a good decision you broke up with him. As it turns out, he too agreed and saw it as inevitable.
It’s understandable that you’re now feeling “distressed and confused”. It’s a new situation for you, and you are quite sensitive and in need of a lot of support. He was that support for you in the beginning, and I think that’s why you feel he was “the only safe ground you had”. You’re now on your own, and need to be your own support, and/or find other resources, such as therapy.
I feel like a glass full of cracks. I was cracked by a lot of bullets, but I will not break. it’s painful.
It’s good you feel resilient enough to continue without breaking. But you’d need to deal with your childhood wounds and childhood trauma, because that’s what caused those bullet wounds and cracks in your system. That’s what causes you pain. You’d need to heal, slowly but surely, in order to be able to live a happy and fulfilling life.
I ask myself why I have to add a new kind of pain to my pains. So far, I have endured a lot and gone through many problems. It amazes me how I managed to do this.
You are a strong woman, Luna. You can take a lot, but it hurts. As I said, now is the time to start healing those wounds. In Japan, they have an art of gluing back together broken pottery with gold (it’s called kintsugi), because they believe that our scars is what makes us beautiful. It’s what makes us stronger, more authentic, more of who we are. Perhaps you can look at your healing process as the art of gluing your broken pieces with gold, and then standing beautiful and strong.
How does that sound to you?
August 9, 2021 at 6:11 am #384369AnonymousGuestDear Luna:
Welcome back to your thread!
Four years ago, you were in a relationship with him for a year while in college. You felt some safety with him during that year, I imagine, because you wrote: “Getting into this relationship made me feel better“.
After that year, you returned to your hometown and didn’t see him for three years. By the end of these three years (June 2021), it seems that you no longer felt safer with him being in your life (long-distance) and you imagined feeling safe with a someone else: “I feel that I no longer love this man… I like him, but no more than a normal friend, and I no longer feel romantically attracted to him, to the point that I always imagine myself with someone else“.
Less than a couple of months later, you broke up with him and you wrote this about your feeling of safety: “I do not feel safe anymore… I feel he was the only safe ground I had“-
– we all need safety, and the more unsafe we feel, the more we crave safety. But what is safety, can you give me your definition of safety?
anita
August 9, 2021 at 8:01 am #384375AnonymousInactiveit is true. I definitely need to see a therapist. This is an opportunity to think more about myself than about being with others.
It is easier than done but I will try.
Thank you for your kind reply🤍
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