Lol! Thank you Inky! I am not laughing to make light of your response but laughing because I have seriously considered moving abroad!

You are right, they have a daughter together. We had custody of the daughter for several years raising her because mom cheated on him and left the state with her new husband she found on the internet specifically looking for men who make >100,000 per yr. Mom LEFT but accused us the whole time of kidnapping!!!! She tormented the daughter with the idea that we were bad people, kidnappers, we took her away from the “only one that loves her,” her mom. She told her girl to “be brave” whenever she left her with us as though to imply that we were “bad.” She taught her to collect evidence against us so that mom could one day “rescue her” by teaming up and placing vengeance upon us for what we deserved for all the pain we caused the two by keeping them apart. Mom clearly has BPD and ran a parental alienation campaign that was successful, even while the girl was with us full time with mom just a txt or call away!

I have so may confusing feelings that are just spilling out.

I am still angry for not being appreciated by him for standing by him, for helping raise and love the daughter, for sacrificing in the face of so much abuse from the ex wife.
I was re traumatized throughout all of this and needed more counseling myself.
I feel like I deserve better, I wanted him to protect us but his own weaknesses and lack of insight made him unintentionally open us up for more abuse at times.
I wanted him to at least see and acknowledge my pain so he could be there for me.

(When I say “weakness” I do not mean it in a derogatory sense, but rather we all have weakness.)

I am clearly wanting more than his capacity.

As much as I am angry, I see how this is not useful. I see that he, like me, is only capable of what he is capable of seeing and doing. I also have so much compassion for him in his position. I just want peace for myself, some freedom, some love that does not hurt me even if it is unintentional hurt.

I do not think he knows what he does not know….and if he could just “see” is all I think sometimes, in a minor hopeful way for Us.

We went on vacation and when we came back we seriously thought of moving away for a bit. I ended up wanting to be here for my family but would not hold it against him to move without me. He will not move as he feels he would be abandoning his teenage daughter. At this point, the daughter is resentful and abusing him without moms guidance….

I am thinking distance is good advice. He cannot take the advice and put the distance he needs between him and others to be his own human being, however…I.. need distance to maintain my own being. So that means distance from him.

As I say this in this moment, I realize that for him, to be a “being” means connection. This is why he does not set better boundaries with them. He will feel less of a person. This is why my healthy boundary setting makes him withdraw from me.

Thank you for this, letting me explore this, listening, sharing time and thought.

I feel like I will think on it more as I may be about to “see” something myself.

Maybe as I desperately say I want HIM to see something, …..what really is true, ….is that I want to see something myself…..and it is close but just slightly out of my reach.

I’ll keep thinking on this.

Thank you for your insights, I greatly appreciate them when browsing around, and I appreciate them here as well.

KMW, Wow! What a feeling when somebody “gets it.” Amazing!

I wonder, Do you think your husband can ever see who you genuinely are? Does this bother you?

I see so much truth in your post.

I am struggling to make sense of many of the pieces of our relationship.

Unfortunately, breaking up is not up to me. I don’t want distance from him. I just want distance from the dysfunction that he brings to me. However, I do not have BPD. I know that I cannot “split” him that way.

I have thought that he has BPD. I have read up on it very much and have been successful in dealing with him as tho he actually has NPD or BPD. I found info on how schema therapy can be helpful, and it was indeed. I accepted the role of being the emotional caretaker of the relationship, the “adult.” Like you say, exhausting at times.

Last year, I flat out went to our therapist and said I felt my bf had BPD. I was told that we all have traits of things and it is all on a continuum, however he did not think he had a diagnosable amount of BPD “traits.” He has never been self injurious, he does not fear friends abandoning him, it is just dynamics with people that are very close to him that he gets that way. (His mom, or partner, sees his kid as an all good extension for narcissistic supply) I agree with you. I feel so validated by your observations. I feel he has a mild type of BPD.

Our therapist admitted that his ego identity is not fully developed and that it needed work.

I don’t want a break up. His wife has caused us such harm. Now his daughter has taken her place and has expressed desire to kill us and I do not doubt her wish. However, she is on the golden child pedestal and he is now being coerced and controlled by his teen and he cannot see it. I have had to tell him that she cannot come to our home for visitations because of the threats she has made and I am fearful and feel his codependent behavior contributes to her trying to hurt us. He is not going to renew a lease with me. He wants a home that his daughter can come to 6x a yr for her visitations. I want a home that promotes a greater sense of security for us all….or just me and my son.

Neither of us is budging. I guess I just need to talk it out loud some here to get it more sorted somehow. It is a hard thing.

How do I make peace with a break up that I feel shouldn’t be?
I have never broken up with someone where we both wanted one another. How can this be?

Why am I still clinging onto “what should.”
How do I find acceptance?

I think I will do as you say and browse around the BPD forums, look at the JADE lessons. I just feel like there is something more I need to learn from reviewing our relationship. I do not think it will change the course of things, nothing for the past 7 months has indicated that, but I need it to make more sense somehow.

Thank you so much for kindly sharing your experience. It means so much to me to hear such understanding. I really am glad for the different perspective. I feel just a bit less alone for it. Warm thoughts your way too! 🙂

Thank you KMW!

Thanks again KMW, I have joined in case you want to find me there. I cannot find the JADE lessons, hard for me to navigate. So very helpful!!!!!! A million thanks!!!!!!