Dear Priyan:

You asked: “How did I end up in this situation?“- let’s see…: you (32) were sexually attracted to a woman (37) in a bathing suit, in a public pool=> you had dinner with her the same evening, an evening with “lots of sexual tension“. You told her that evening that you “would like to seriously date her“, and she didn’t give you an answer=> a week later, she gave you an answer: “not ready to emotionally invest in a relationship, but, she would be willing to casually hook up“.

Next, you hooked up and the relationship fit the Friends With Benefits category (a relationship that is sexual but not romantic, no commitment and no strings attached. It can be short term or long term. The extent of emotional involvement in different FWB relationships is different because no two people are identical and therefore, no two FWB relationships is identical).

Next, “she wanted to cuddle and talk after sex… she started texting and calling me every day and even expected me to stay the night with her when she got sick“=> you told her that you were “not looking for anything other than sex from her“-

– I suppose that your initial motivation “to seriously date her” was.. not your true motivation when you had dinner with her on the same day you met her for the first time.. that it was something you said at the time while under the influence, so to speak, of all that “lot of sexual tension“…?

* It is possible that at that point, when you told her that you were not looking for anything other than sex with her, that her feelings were hurt.

Next, you started staying nights with her, even entire weekends and accompanied her on shopping trips during which “she made sure that I never touched her/held her hand in public and never introduced me to her friends or family“. When she left the country for 5 weeks, she regularly sent you amorous, romantic text messages and used a pet name for you. It is at that time that you “started developing feeling for her“- romantic feelings, that is.

Next, you told her that you had feelings for her, and her response: “she showed no emotions and asked for some time to think about it“. Next, she said “she didn’t feel the same way. She said she saw me only as a good friend and an awesome sexual partner and nothing else“.

When you brought up to her the romantic, amorous text messages she sent you when out of the country, she told you that “she thought she felt something when we were apart but those feelings went away after she saw me in person and had sex“.

Currently, the two of you still “meet for sex“, but she no longer sends you amorous texts and she no longer uses a pet name for you.

“Did I misread her cues and signals?.. Or was it my imagination that she felt something for me?“- I don’t think that you misread her cues and signals; that it was your imagination that she had romantic feelings for you. I think that she really did have romantic feelings for you.

“Or did I do something that made her lose interest in me?“- possibly when you told her, after she clearly expressed a romantic need for you, that you were not looking for anything other than sex with her. No doubt that such a statement would offend many women.

“How do I let this go and deal with the pain?“- I am sorry that you are dealing with pain. If the two of you were able to be very honest with each other, that would help the two of you!

Maybe you can show her how honest you can be, and that will motivate her to reciprocate your honesty.

Here is what this honesty I am referring to may look like, as an example of what could be true to your situation (I don’t know what is true because a very honest conversation between the two of you didn’t yet take place): the two of you met in a pool, sexual tension was high on your part, maybe more than on her part. During the first dinner, fueled by sexual tension, you told her that you seriously wanted to date her (but meant that.. you seriously wanted to have sex with her). Scared of having her feelings hurt yet again in the context of a traditional relationship (as I am guessing happened many times in her past, particularly being that she is 37), she wanted to protect herself by placing the relationship in the FWB box.

Next, she wanted out of that box (yet, not ready to leave it), but when you told her that for you, she belongs in that box (that you were not looking for anything other than sex with her), you kind of added a lock to that box.  You eventually developed romantic feelings for her and told her about it.. but she heard- and answered you- from within that box.

What do you think…?

anita

Dear Priyan:

You are welcome.

(I will be adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “In this month I have been totally honest with her about my feelings and intentions. I told her how I felt about her the first night we met and what made me change my mind and develop actual romantic feelings for her”-

– I think that she has not been totally honest with you about her feelings and intentions.

“Every time I reminded her about our FWB agreement when she wanted something too intimate her response would be ‘Don’t worry, I will never expect anything from you other than your physical presence and sex‘. So, I assumed we both were on the same page”-

– Repeatedly (“every time”), she wanted something too intimate (not FWB-congruent), repeatedly you reminded her of the FWB agreement.. and repeatedly, she told you what I think is not true. I think that she did expect something from you other than your physical presence and sex,. I think (at this point)  that her expectation/ intent/ goal was that you will develop romantic feelings for her. Not for the purpose of entering a traditional, romantic relationship with you, but for the purpose of her feeling in-control of you and of the relationship.

“I know for a fact that her behavior towards me did not change after I said I only wanted sex from her“- she kept her romantic gestures going for as long as you didn’t express a romantic interest in her.

“What baffles me”- when one is dishonestly manipulated.. one is baffled.

“What baffles me is she seemed to have lost interest in me only after I confessed my feelings“- when you confessed your romantic feelings for her, her goal/ interest (that you will want to be in a romantic relationship with her) was satisfied: she was in control. To maintain her control, she withdrew her romantic gestures (keeping you wanting what you can not get).

“She never outright came and told me she had feelings for me. That is what made me think if I had imagined her feelings for me”- when one is dishonestly manipulative, one does not says things outright (openly and without holding back), but the opposite.

“I told her how I…  develop(ed) actual romantic feelings for her. She heard all this and said she had seen me only as a friend since the beginning and never saw me as potential romantic partner. I went to the extent of even asking her if she felt any connection when we had sex and her reply was: ‘No, I just enjoyed the act’“-

– I don’t know if she ever saw you as a potential romantic partner. I think that she wanted you to want to be her romantic partner. It may be that she has been turning around the traditional dynamic of the woman being the one interested in romance vs the man being interested in sex,  taking on the.. strong gender role/ the-one-in-control in this dynamic.

“Do you still think that I did not imagine her feelings for me? After hearing her answer about the sex,  I can’t possible imagine she had feelings for me once”-

– I think that you didn’t imagine that her expressions “(wanting you to spend the night/ weekend with her, sending you amorous text messages, etc.) were romantic, I think that they were romantic expressions. At this point though, I don’t know if those expressions were sincere or strictly manipulative.

I will now re-read your original post, looking for answers: shortly after you told her in the beginning that you would like to seriously date her, she “came back after a week and said that she was not ready to emotionally invest in a relationship, but, she would be willing to casually hook up as she found me attractive”-

– she made you an offer most men will not refuse: to casually hook up with a woman they are attracted to. At this point of my developing understanding,  I think that she set a trap for you when she offered you this irresistible offer, and the trap was for you to end up being- as you are now- emotionally invested in a romantic relationship with her.

When she left the country for 5 weeks, “She made it a point to video call me everyday and ask me about my day. She would also regularly send me amorous text messages that strongly hinted romantic feelings“- she didn’t want her.. work (all she did to cause you to emotionally invest in a romantic relationship with her) to lose momentum because of physical distance, so she kept herself in your mind by frequent contact and she upped her romantic gestures.

“(I) confessed mine to her… We still continue to meet for sex. She does text me everyday but she had stopped sending me those amorous texts and stopped using my pet name. Her calls have gotten less frequent“- you confessing your romantic feelings= her mission accomplished. After that.. her goal is maintenance: to keep you wanting her romantically by keeping you from getting what you want.

The last part of your original post: “The last few weeks have been really difficult for me. I know the right thing to do would be cut ties with her and walk away, but, I am having a hard time accepting what happened”-

– It will be easier to accept what happened when you understand what happened.

“I understand how FWB works“-

– I think that the central theme of the relationship has not how FWB works, but how she works: she uses the FWB factor as a way for her to be in-control of you and of the relationship via dishonest manipulation.

“How did I end up in this situation?“- you didn’t know.. how she works..

Do you think I understand the situation correctly, in part or in whole? (I am checking my understanding with you).

“How do I let this go and deal with the pain?“- let’s talk about it further, shall we?

anita

Dear Priyan:

You are very welcome!

“When I met her over the weekend, I casually told her that I am planning on going back to the dating apps to meet new women. She got excited over this and even offered to help me set up my dating profile. If her intent was indeed to get me interested in her romantically to gain control, why would she seem to not care when I said I am going to date other women?”-

“But why bother having me emotionally invest in her if she was going to friendzone me anyway? Then was it all a game to give her ego a boost?“-

–  I think it’s a game for her. Going about dating the traditional way didn’t work for her, Going about it the way she is going about it works better for her: it makes her feel better, in control.. not vulnerable like she used to be,

Hello my name is Livia, and I need some clarity and advice. Last year while going on vacation to  Miami in October 2022, I met a guy on the plane.He was the one who started conversation with me. I was just trying to enjoy my ride& reach my destination. He kept on talking until I said in my mind I just want to relax & why is he talking so much. He asked me if I’m not sharing my food with him in which I reply sure I can. He asked me if I didn’t want to take pictures of the view out of the window. He was questioning me and making joke. He even called me high maintenance. After a while he gave me his business card. He was like I have the hard copy down in my luggage but someone told him it better I took a pic on my phone as I  will always have it & it will not get lost. . He was a broker real estate. I reached my destination and we exited the plane. I was exiting the airport when he came hurriedly trying to catch up with me. He complimented my luggage. I responded. When he reached his exit he said his goodbyes and said he hope to see me around. When I got to my hotel that night I checked out his business  card & even went on the website. I messaged him & let him know I visited and some places peeked my interest. He messaged me over my normal phone and said we can chat via WhatsApp. He told me stop being a stranger. When I was going back home he texted me & said if we could talk before I left. I was at the airport& my battery was low & needed charging so we did not. We started chatting via calls & texts on WhatsApp. The conversation would go on passed 30mins to over an hour sometimes. We would even have silent moments. Fast forward to 2023 & we are still talking a week would never passed without him calling me& if he was busy he would let me know. June 2023 he had a family vacation so I did not disturb him however, he did call me during this time he asked how I never reach out to him. I said I know you are on vacation so I was giving you your family time. Fast forward again to October 2023 and I would be on vacation, this trip in his area. But before hand he kept asking me to my plans so he would set aside time. I knew he was on vacation earlier so I told him I know you have to work so if I don’t get to see you that’s OK I will not hold it against you. The week I was schedule to travel he asked me for my itinerary. He offered to pick me up from the airport and drop me off at my hotel. He showed me around on that evening as he wold be working. That evening he asked if he can come back after I rested& if I was tired he would understand. Later that evening I invited him over. We sat on the balcony, drank wine& had conversation. He played music. He broke the ice we eventually made out& it led to sex. I asked him if this was only going to be about sex & he said no. It really wasn’t for the rest of my vacation. He called me everyday& the next day after work he dropped me off to the mall& came back for me later on. He asked me out to dinner which was really nice and then he showd me around again and took me to the other mall in the area that same night. He even apologised when he could not make it on Wednesday for a parents meeting. He went as far as sending me the letter from the school so I would not think he was lying. I told him it’s OK and I understand because I have kids too. Everything was great. The night before I came back home we sat down and talked. He offered to drop me at the airport. We hugged, kiss and said our goodbyes. He told me to call him when I cleared TSA in which I did. He was such a gentleman my entire trip. He made sure I had everything I needed at my hotel. I let him know I had reached home safely via text. The next day I called him briefly as he was at work. In our convoy the night before he told me that he works alot but he just has a few years again & soon his daughter would be out of high school and he was trying to make sure he is OK for the future. He also mentioned that he did not want to slip up as a father because next thing you know he’s going through a custody battle. I told him I understand & I can wait. After reaching home I got no call or msg from him so I texted. Thank you for ghosting me. He reassured me I have nothing to worry about& stop throwing a tantrum. I sent back a cute pic & said does this face look like I’m throwing a tantrum. Fast forward to the 15th of October 2023, 2days before our 1yr of knowing each other he texted me and I was blindsided. I never expected this at all. Of course I replied why he wasn’t honest from up front. Now after all this time he has red flags. I am left speechless, I’m still hurting and still trying to understand why. I need clarity but I think he blocked me. He did not block me off WhatsApp completely because I still see his profile but I know I am blocked. I tried to call him but he declined. I am confused, I feel foolish and hurt and I need clarity. I miss our conversations. He never used to go an entire week without calling me. I need to understand. I said to myself even if I  didn’t have a relationship with him I can see him, I can see him as a friend if things didn’t work out because he made me laugh. I felt safe in his arms. He was great. Please help me understand what went wrong here.

Livy here, no the gentleman in question is single, not married anymore. He however has his daughter for two weekends in the month until Tuesdays. We live  very far apart. I gave him an entire week before I mentioned the ghosting. One time I was  so busy that I did not reach out to him for a few days& he texted me that people make time for who we care about. This had caught me off guard because we never made any commitments to each other & he was the one who told me he doesn’t want to be  disappointed because it has happened to him in the past.From that moment I realize he had feelings for me. 

Dear Priyan:

How are you? I hope to read from you again.

* To Livia:

You shared that back in Oct 2022, you met a guy for the first time on a plane flying on vacation to Miami. You didn’t see him again in-person during that vacation. Being that the two live very far from each other, you chatted via calls, texts and WhatsApp for a whole year. You met him in-person for the 2nd time a year later (Oct 2023) on another vacation, and the two of you had sex for the first time. During your vacation, he called you every day, dropped you off at a mall, took you out to dinner and showed you around town. When your vacation was over, you texted him that you arrived home safely and you continued to chat.

He is a divorced man, a father of a teenage girl and he seems to care about being a good father to his daughter (“he did not want to slip up as a father“). He has never made a commitment to you and neither have you made a commitment to him (“we never made any commitments to each other“). It seems to me that you wanted him to make a commitment to you because after he told you that he needs to not slip up as a father, you told him: “I understand & I can wait“, wait for a commitment from him, as I understand it.

Less than 2 months ago, he blocked you. You shared:  “I’m still hurting and still trying to understand why…  I know I am blocked. I tried to call him but he declined. I am confused, I feel foolish and hurt and I need clarity…. I felt safe in his arms. He was great. Please help me understand what went wrong here“-

– I am guessing that what happened is that you wanted a commitment from him, a commitment that he wasn’t ready for. You perhaps pressured him to commit to you (perhaps by “throwing a tantrum” or two..?), and he reacted by blocking you. Is that what happened?

I am sorry, Livia, that you are going through a heartbreak and I hope that you will feel better soon!

anita

Dear Livia: I will reply in the morning. For now, I’d say: your feelings are important, your pain is real.

anita