Walk The Path or Change Direction?

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by PathOfPeace.

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February 7, 2016 at 9:15 am #95181
PathOfPeace
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Hello Everyone,

Looking for different input from anyone and everyone. Long story but here are the details. Been married for 5 years. Ready to start having kids. Wife tells me she is only having kids for me and would be find not having children. She is just happy with life how it is and has never really been around kids. That is part of the problem. Should I move forward or keep searching for someone who wants kids? With that being suggested, I feel that would also be a roll of the dice considering people change their minds or become terrible parents. Nothing is solid in life…

Second problem. When we get into heated fights sometimes there is no fixing the problem. Before you have kids should you and your partner never fight? Should you be two perfect angels? I read things online about couples like that and then they get divorced after their first child? Again, nothing solid….

Just very up in the air and not sure at the fork where to turn at.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by PathOfPeace.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by PathOfPeace.
February 7, 2016 at 10:00 am #95185

Anonymous
Guest

Dear The Thinker:

I like it that congruent with your user name, you do think about such important issues as having kids! To …think how often people who have kids never thought about having kids.

I prefer the thinking before having kids.

You and your partner, of course, cannot possibly…ever be “perfect angels” as you know. But you should not have heated arguments with no-fixing-the-problem either, before having kids. There should be a peaceful win-win way of working through problems that is already established and practiced before getting pregnant.

Until and if there is such a working relationship between the two of you, it is my strong felt opinion that you should not be having children. In couple therapy my therapist taught us the EAR principle for interpersonal relationship: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. It really is a possibility for a couple to never fight. Not possible to never be angry with each other, to have disagreements, that is not possible, but it is (!) possible to not fight. By learning how to respectfully express one’s anger, disagreement, displeasure without doing it aggressively is workable if the two parties are willing.

Bringing children into a SAFE home where they will not be scared-to-death by feuding parents. It is important that children will learn by example how to resolve conflicts without aggression. So until there is a safe home, children should not be considered, is my input.

The other issue is secondary… most, if not all other issues are secondary.

anita

February 7, 2016 at 10:08 am #95189

PathOfPeace
Participant

Thanks for the feedback. I guess I didnt explain myself clearly. The Heated fights arent able to be resolved at that moment. They are 9 times out of 10 a day later or days later. Its just a matter of “In the moment”.

Whats your opinion on the other problem? Do you have children?

February 7, 2016 at 10:20 am #95192

Anonymous
Guest

Dear The Thinker:

When you and your wife fight, heated fight, this is a big problem and not a safe place to bring children to. The fact that there is a resolution a few days later does not take away from the damage such fights will do to a young child. And besides, a few days later, whatever resolution it may be, if it doesn’t stop future heated arguments, it is not a real resolution.

I do not have children. I was so scared as a child living in an aggression filled unsafe home that I felt that I don’t want to bring children into such a painful existence as the one I had.

About the other problem… I can’t get over the first problem, The Thinker. It is so major that no other problem deserves attention until the first problem is addressed. There must be no heated fights between parents!

It is my personal experience and it is my experience observing other people, how powerful FEAR is. Fear is in the core of most mental illnesses. It is so important that a child will not be brought into a situation where his or her fear can get overwhelming. You see, you may be used to these heated arguments but a young, inexperienced child is not likely to .. get over such fights as easily as you can.

anita

February 7, 2016 at 10:49 am #95195

Eris
Participant

Hi Thinker

My mum didn’t want to have children. I was unplanned! My parents were married – my Mum just wasn’t particularly bothered about having kids. She was a great Mum.

Now I am an adult I see friends whose parents had kids to fulfil some part of their life and saw their kids as an extension of them selves, not letting them get their hair cut because they wished they had such beautiful hair or not letting them choose their own a-levels because they knew best. Those friends have issues because of it.

Mum didn’t come with any of that having kids to fulfil me/to be a continuation of me baggage which I think made her a better mother ( not perfect but pretty damn good). Now I am not saying all parents who want to have kids do it for their own selfish reasons at all or all people that wanting kids are like that just that not wanting kids doesn’t mean that you will be a bad parent or regret your decision.

I also remember some proper good rows between my parents but we (me and my sister) never felt threatened, we knew they loved us and each other,I guess it depends how you row. Parents can not row but still create a toxic atmosphere in their dealings with each other that is horrible to bring children in to as well.

If you are mean and disrespectful to each other whether you argue or don’t argue then that is a sign of a relationship that is not healthy.

Its the use of the word fight that is interesting to me as that does imply more of a no holds barred/attacking/hurt the other person because they hurt you kind of argument that is not good for anyone! However that could be cultural thing.

Eris

February 7, 2016 at 11:45 am #95199

PathOfPeace
Participant

Thanks for the feedback Eris,

I really appreciated reading what you had to say. I also grew up with my parents fighting and Im fine in a sense. Nothing from that era has changed me. And yes the term “Fight” for me is just another way of expressing to argue a point from both sides against each other. I can see your point when I look at it the real way its meant to be.

Thank you again for taking the time to write your response.

February 7, 2016 at 3:21 pm #95225

Phil
Participant

The Thinker,

The fact that your wife thinks she would be better off without kids may point to a trauma from long ago. I can tell you from experience. My folks did things that had me make a promise to myself at the age of eight…that I would never have kids. I didn’t want to put any other kid through what I had been through. As to never fighting…this is just an unrealistic fantasy. What I did do was marry my best friend. We took things slow to make sure we wanted the same things, share the same values, and can have each others’ backs when the going gets tough. Compromise is key as long as you don’t betray yourself. Betray yourself and things will unravel and the blame will fly. So be honest, and be interested in your wife’s interests. She needs to reciprocate the same. As long as you can do that, love will walk through fire without blinking. I can share my shadow days with my wife. Can you?

Perfect doesn’t exist. It’s only a road to frustration. The heart is fraught with faults and breaches of all kinds. The trick is to be able to share, help heal the faults, and lend support where you can.

Phil

February 8, 2016 at 3:48 am #95246

Inky
Participant

Hi PathOfPeace,

I think it is probable that once you have a child, your wife will be among the best of mothers! Something does change within us once we become parents.

As for the fighting, Respect is the key word. Then the fight dissipates into a disagreement. But you know what, as long as you have the same values, the rest is small stuff. Just remember “A happy wife is a happy life”. There is truth to the saying!!

If all of us were perfectly perfect before we had kids there would be no human race!

Best,

Inky

February 8, 2016 at 5:21 am #95247

Nan
Participant

Dear Path of Peace,
Dont know how old you are, but I and my husband did not want kids for forever! I had my one and only child at age 41 after 15 years of marriage, due to going off the Pill after 20 years, and having an alternate method fail.. Even thought my husband was resistant at first, this child is the love of his life, and he would slay dragons for him now. SO, depending on your age and hers, anything is possible! The funny thing, is now when we go to the movies, we can get 1 child rate and 2 senior citizens rate! Going to the PTA meetings and being on AARP, as well as being the oldest couple at Lamaze. Life is an adventure!. It will feel right, at the right time…..

February 8, 2016 at 10:16 pm #95399

PathOfPeace
Participant

Thanks everyone for the feedback and taking the time to write. I really appreciate it. A lot of good solid points have been made! And suggestions to reflect on. Hope everyone has a great week!
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