Yes! Your ex really probably doesn’t know at all what she wants, which is just all the more reason it’s good you’re not with her right now. Hopefully someday she figures herself out.

I commented! You’re struggling, but I feel like things are looking up for you and they will be looking waaaaayyyyyyy up if you can get yourself out of your current situation and back to where you can just enjoy your life without all of these other stressors that you shouldn’t have to be dealing with. That alone will help you a ton. I’m sure of it.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.

Yeah, I still have those days from time to time, too. I’m not sure that can be helped, but just know you’ll likely feel better tomorrow or once you get your mind off of it. Usually venting helps me because then I stop dwelling after I vent.

Hi John,

I wish you’d reread your posts on this thread from the past two months. You had it all figured out, that is, what motivates your ex to act the way she does. You saw her in a different light, remember? She’s controlling, doesn’t want you to be happy, etc. I also think she called you a “dumbass” at some point. Are you forgetting all these things? This is where you really need to look at yourself and understand why you’re still thinking romantically about a woman who called you a dumbass. There are some things you just can’t overlook. Don’t overlook this! You say “I still get that good feeling when she would text me”. Explain how you get a good feeling when you receive a text message from someone who thinks you’re a dumbass because I can’t understand this.

I know I’m being tough on you but I also know you need to hear this and that you can handle it. 🙂

B

This is all so confusing for me and so tormenting in some ways.  We are creeping up on the anniversary of the day we met.  2/5/19.  I can’t help but wonder if this is how my ex was feeling at this time when she left me?  If she did love me but wasn’t “in love” with me like she should have been.  If there were just too many issues that she did try to deal with and couldn’t anymore.  But then I wonder if she was feeling this way and did reach out to another man before she left me.  Even if it was just conversation.  Just like I had done with my girlfriend.

I know I can’t think what if or question or assume things.  Just telling you all what has been going through my mind.  Including “why in the world would someone that clearly expressed they want nothing to do with me EVER.  Why would the repeatedly come back?”

Yeah, the biggest problem with questioning is that there is absolutely know way to know the real answers. From your ex’s actions, it sounds like she doesn’t even know how she feels or what she wants, and that’s definitely something she would need to figure out before she can happily succeed in any long-term relationship. It’s better that she stays away from you while she’s still in this immaturity mode, because it wouldn’t fare well for you guys either.

I don’t know how to do this or if/when I tell her that she needs to move on and it’s not working.  I don’t even know where to begin that conversation or ???

If you haven’t noticed.  I’m the type that would rather suffer than bring someone else hurt and pain.

I am also this type. Everyone else’s needs and wants come before mine, but I’ve learned over the last year that you cannot pour from an empty cup. When you drag yourself down by not meeting your own needs, it drags everyone else around you down, too.  Causing short-term pain is better than a very slow, long-term descent into misery for both of you.

I’ve also found it helps to reframe things in your mind: Breaking up might cause her hurt and pain in the short term, but you two staying together in a relationship when you are not compatible is keeping you both from finding someone you are compatible with… so you staying with her is also keeping her from being with someone who is truly a match with her… which is much worse, in my opinion, than short-term heartbreak.

So, in terms of a talk, it might just be best to rip off the band-aid. Tell her you’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as wonderful and loving as she is, you don’t feel like you’re a match for each other. Then you’re going to have to stand firm with that. She’s going to feel hurt because she loves you and rejection sucks, but it’s better than staying in an incompatible relationship when there are people out there for you both who are likely much better matches and who you each would be happier with overall.

Having said that… keep in mind that I don’t know either of you personally, so my opinion on all of this is just based on what you’ve said about the amount of fighting you guys do and your own feelings you’ve expressed here. I had a guy in the past that I was just swooning over for literally 10 years and I thought we were meant to be and that I’d never get over him. No guys ever compared or made me feel anywhere close to what he did, but as soon as I met my most recent ex, my feelings for the other guy just completely disappeared and even now I don’t think about that other guy in that way, whom I’m still friends with… so that’s one reason how I know that if you were with the right one for you, you wouldn’t be thinking of your ex the way you do now because you would be too happy and enamored with your current girlfriend to even care… if she were a match.

ugh.  she is still on my mind.  I don’t have any idea why it has been so much in my head lately, but damn.  I’m really trying to focus on other things, but she keeps popping in there.  I hate this so much!  I just needed to vent.  thanks for listening.

I know how you feel. My ex has been on my mind too, and I’m thinking the time of year isn’t helping. It’s just so BLAH outside and there isn’t much to do. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but I tend to think about my ex more when I’m feeling bored or lonely. But just remember, when you start thinking about her, it might feel bad in the moment, but those thoughts will pass and don’t be too hard on yourself when she pops into your mind. I still think it’s normal. Just do your best to redirect to what’s happening in the moment and any good things that might be happening right now.

Honestly, I think it’s going to probably be that way until you meet someone that takes your mind off of her. It was like that for me with a guy before my most recent ex. I thought about him every day for years right up until I started dating my ex and then I stopped thinking about the other guy altogether. So it’s not completely hopeless and you just have to try to accept that those thoughts are going to be there and try not to get upset with yourself… they’ll go away when you meet someone who is actually a match for you. The longer you stay in your current situation, though, the longer this is going to last.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Valora.