I toooootally agree with Anita. You should not be responsible for taking care of her kids. They are HER kids, and if she is too low income to be able to pay for child care, she should look into state funding for that sort of thing. That’s why it’s there. I cannot imagine sticking my boyfriend with dad duties when he is a boyfriend and not a STEPDAD.  You two are not married, so you have no obligation to take on those sorts of duties, and if it is making you miserable and leaving you with no time for self-care or to be with friends and relax, then I agree with Anita and say you shouldn’t do it.  Or maybe even just do it less. See if she can get state help to get them in daycare or to a babysitter more of the time so that you don’t have all of that responsibility.

Then i thought… SEE!  This is what started to mess everything up in my head in the first place!  Anytime she did anything, I started to overthink every little thing and assume shit.  Instead of just thinking she did what she did for reasons i don’t know.

You’re starting to catch yourself! That is a great sign and that’s how you heal and let go. As soon as you catch yourself starting to overthink things or wonder about things you couldn’t possibly figure out the true answer to, you just say “whoa, wait, I’m overthinking again” and then focus on something else.  It doesn’t matter what your ex does or why she does the things she does because none of that stuff is going to get you two back together. The ONLY thing that will matter is if she messages you saying “I made a mistake…” or whatever and you go from there, but no matter what, overthinking and over analyzing will only drive you crazy.

You ARE still letting yourself ruminate on the things you miss about your ex, though, so that’s something you’ll want to work on, too. Same thing “whoa, I’m ruminating again, better focus on something else for a bit.”  Eventually you’ll just stop doing those things or definitely not nearly as often. She’ll just kind of pop into your mind here and there and then the thoughts will flow peacefully back out, and that’s what you’re aiming for here.

You just have to stop doing this to yourself. Read those last two messages you wrote and count how many times you wrote that it’s hard, tough, or it’s killing you in those short messages. I know you’re just venting, but this will show you where you need a mindset change. It’s only that tough if you make it that tough. BUT… you also have to just kind of accept that, even when it gets easier, you’ll still have times like this where you feel sad. My daughter and I watched a movie the other day that made me think about my ex and I got really sad over it, but I just let myself feel the sadness for a few minutes and then pulled myself together and we started watching a different movie and I cheered back up. You just can’t let yourself dwell on it for too long is all.

What do you think would change if you had all of those questions answered? Do you think it would really make you feel any better than you do now? Chances are, it would just bring up a whole new bunch of questions. If something happened, you would feel worse and even more betrayed, and if nothing happened, you’d most likely still be really confused on why she wanted to break up. You also have to know that sometimes people say things they don’t mean when things are emotional, like right after a breakup. She might’ve just said she had no regrets to try and get you to give her space or move on or she might’ve really meant it and just was really sure about her decision at that time. That also definitely doesn’t mean she did anything wrong. If she did, she would likely regret it unless she is a sociopath, and in that case, I don’t think you’d want her back anyway, right?

Just remember… when your brain goes into overdrive, overthinking, overanalyzing, you are ALLOWING it to do that, and that it isn’t helping anything. It’s not going to change the past, it won’t give you answers, and it will only make you feel worse, so I think the best thing here is for you to try different things to get you out of that mindset quickly when it starts and keep trying different things until you find the thing that works for you, and then just keep doing that. Maybe read some blogs or books on how to stop overanalyzing. It’s a really common problem and I used to do that too. It’s actually one of the things I had to change about myself. I found the thing that worked for me (which was just catching myself when I do it and then redirecting my thoughts), but you might need a different technique if the redirection isn’t working, so try different things until you find whatever works best for you. I think if you can stop the overthinking about what happened, that will help you more than anything. I know it definitely helped me, for sure.

Dear John:

These are quotes from what you wrote May of this year, over six months ago, regarding the breakup of a one year long distance relationship: “it freaking  sucks… it’s killing me… killing me though… sucks… OMG. This is so hard… sucks… I will never be the same  again… there  is still a hole  in my chest… I am so screwed up… I’m so lost”.

Six months after, end of November, yesterday, you wrote: “This time of year is so hard. Its’ hard… Just tough… It really hurts today… Very hard though… It’s killing me. I hope that I can get through today feeling better. It’s just killing me. God I hope I can get past this all together someday… this sucks”

Your expressed distress did  not lessen at all during six months of posting, venting and ranting (two verbs you use to characterize your posting).

During these six months you’ve been having a relationship with another woman, spending a lot of time with her and her kids, heavily involved in their lives. You have two daughters and a new grandchild. Yet these made no difference in your expressed  distress. At one point, not  long ago you described something  that just  happened in your life and in your home, a long time friend and roommate shot himself, committed suicide in your very home, yet that was a passing event, mentioned and forgotten.

Nothing has distracted you from your expressed distress  over the breakup of a one year long-distance relationship.

You shared some  about your childhood, how your mother abandoned you, waiting and waiting for  her to pick you up from school and her not showing up, having moved and gone. You also shared that you currently have a relationship with her and you expressed something between neutrality and disdain for her, currently.

This is my understanding  at this point, my effort to help you regarding your confusion (“very confused… Help me please”, the title of your thread): I think you are stuck being  that child waiting for his mother. For a child it  is a very traumatic event or events,  to be abandoned by one’s mother, for her to not be there, (or be there in a cruel way to the child). The desire  for a good mother never  goes away for the traumatized child. The lack of  a mother  early on creates an intense hole (“a hole in my chest”, you wrote) and it craves and  craves to  be filled. Your thread is an expression of that craving.

For a child abandoned by his  mother, nothing else  matters, nothing can distract the  child for  long from that loss. And  nothing  has distracted you so far in the last  six months.

For a child, a mother  is the most  important  person in the  world,  an entity,  not  a person. For the child, it is not about  who the mother is as a person, it  is her role that matters, being his Mother. And  here, on your thread, you wrote that  you don’t  know what  it is about  her, that you can’t  explain it, and through all these pages, you didn’t describe her much, nothing really other than a few superficial things. It is so because your craving for her is  not about who she is as a person. It  is about  her being your Mother.

Thing is now you feel  nothing  for your mother, maybe some disdain or disgust.  You forgot, I believe, how you used to feel about her when you were a child, a young child. Here on this thread, page after page, you can read what you wrote, this  is how  you felt about your mother when you were a young child.

There is nothing  stronger, nothing more  intense and more  enduring than the  craving of a child for a  mother who abandoned the child or  who  turned against the child. That craving  doesn’t  go away. In your case, you express it right her as you have done since May.

anita

Dear  John:

Well your ex girlfriend triggered that mother attachment, activated it. Something about her, could be the fact that she  was older than you, didn’t  have  young children to attend to and had  money to take you out for  fun, hotel, vacations, fun activities and outings.. unlike your girlfriend who is younger than you (isn’t she?), has young children she attends to every day, and has no money and cannot afford fun activities and outings.

anita