Home→Forums→Relationships→very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please
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John.
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November 5, 2018 at 8:35 am #235523
JohnParticipantWell, i had a pretty good weekend. My girlfriend and I went out together friday night, then pretty much did nothing the rest of the weekend but laid in bed together and fed the kids.
It was nice to have a weekend like that for a change. It feel like there has always been something every weekend since she moved in.
I really didn’t think about my ex until last night when my girlfriend went to work. And of coarse today. Today is the first day of contact between my ex and I two years ago. Our anniversary of physically meeting is in two days and anniversary of her leaving my is in 4 days. So this may be a tough week.
I’ve been really mulling over a lot in my head. there are some things that Anita told me early on about not knowing how she really felt. I was thinking about how much my girlfriend now loves me and how I’m not on the same page as her. I know i’m not. I do love her, but I could walk away. It would hurt but i could.
That was something that my ex used to tell me once in a while. That if it was too much, and i couldn’t do it (because of all her drama) that she would understand if i left. It would hurt, but she would be fine.
Makes me kind of see things a little clearer. Like she did love me and was in love with me, however. Very likely nothing like how I was in love with her.
I was so blinded by how much I loved her that any little thing she did for me, i saw as something amazing.
I still do feel deep in my heart if i have been able to just breathe with her and take it easy, instead of forcing everything and demanding so much attention that things very well might have worked out. It was like i went from a care free guy that she had fun with and could just be with and then i became this insecure guy that made her feel guilty, made our time together stressful because i was worrying about when she was going home, needed approval for everything I did, and smothering and controlling her.
Its really something else to really start to see all of this. I mean really start to see it. I’ve said it before until i was blue in the face, but i’ve never really seen it until now. It was like i was trying so hard, that I felt if i didn’t show her every minute of every day she would leave. A good example is in September I ordered a coffee mug for her that when it got hot the words appeared on it. saying something about how wonderful she is, amazing girlfriend, blah, blah, blah. I happened to received it the weekend she was at the wedding and gave it to her when I picked her up. then the next day i was blowing her up asking if she used it yet and could read it. It was like i turned into this obsessive guy you would see in the movies. I was a freak. I seriously lost my shit. No wonder she left me. Who can go through a relationship where the other person is constantly looking for approval and attention over every little thing.
It’s just amazing to me how bad i did become. She always told me i only hear what i wanted to. How true is that!! I re read some of our text messages from after were broke up. She was explaining to me why it ended. It was like i was reading them for the first time. I really read them, not just seeing bits and pieces of them. I got so bullheaded and egotistical. Like ” theres nothing wrong with me, what the hell” That’s how I felt.
I don’t think i’ll ever get over the regret of not seeing how i changed and who i became. It’s a real shame. We did have something beautiful. What’s funny is that our entire relationship, i always felt like the universe was against us. It always felt like there was something there making it harder then it should of been to see each other. Either the weather, or family issues, or work. Always something in the way.
God i really did love her with my soul though. So hard to get past that.
As for now. Well, i am focusing on my girlfriend. I really do want this to work out. It is hard not to compare and think of what could of been. It’s so opposite from my ex. With my ex. we both had freedom, we both were doing good financially, we both loved a lot of the same things and had the same hobbies, we both did things together all the time.
With my girlfriend, now we are both tight on money, we don’t have any freedom(or so it feels), we hardly ever get to do anything together (we still haven’t been able to have an overnight trip together without kids or anything), and we don’t do a lot together because of her work schedule.
When we do have time together though, it is nice.
why is the brain and heart so freaking screwed up.
well, that’s it for now, thanks for listening. I’m really just trying to think about today and not tomorrow or yesterday. It is hard though. I still have those moments when i think, maybe in another year or two…. somehow we will meet again and reignite that spark we had… I hate it when i think like that.
November 6, 2018 at 6:40 am #235665JohnParticipantLast night was good. My girlfriend got the night off so we were able to hang out.
I did wake up this am with my ex on my mind though…
I am feeling a little better. But still tough on me. This morning sucked because i had memories of waking up at her house before work bright and early, making love, then she would make me coffee before I headed down the road.
Memories like that really kind of suck right now:(
November 6, 2018 at 7:03 am #235671
AnonymousGuestDear John:
I have a better understanding of that feeling you had with her, that hard to describe feeling and the longing you have for that feeling to be back in your life. It is a feeling we all long for, we all had and lost.
This feeling, it really is the best feeling in the world, it is the feeling a very young child has when with his or her parent. The child feels it and doesn’t have the words to describe it, doesn’t need to describe it, he just feels it. It is the best feeling in the world.
Here is the problem: when you were with her, you felt it but not continuously. It is impossible to feel it continuously. We only get a feel of it, here and there, a sniff, a taste of it and it is gone. But the longing, that is continuous.
If you were back in a relationship with her, your ex, you will still get at best a taste of it here and there and be miserable most of the time, longing for more of that feeling, just as you are longing for it now.
None of us in adulthood can satisfy that need for that feeling. Once it is not satisfied in childhood, it cannot possibly be satisfied in adulthood. It can’t be done. It is a longing that cannot be satisfied.
Basically, in your mind, you are chasing a fantasy, something that no matter what, you can not grab and hold. You can go on and on here on your thread about it, imagining that you had it and maybe some day you can have it again- no, you had a taste of a feeling you cannot keep no matter what.
Wake up to your life here and now, as it is. This is all you have. Make the best of it.
anita
November 7, 2018 at 8:00 am #235809JohnParticipantanitia, i see where you are going with this. However
“Here is the problem: when you were with her, you felt it but not continuously. It is impossible to feel it continuously. We only get a feel of it, here and there, a sniff, a taste of it and it is gone. But the longing, that is continuous.”
That’s the thing. For a good part of our relationship, it was continuous. Even when we weren’t together, I still had that feeling because of how we did communicate and keep in touch. because of the little things that we each did. It really wasn’t until her older son really started causing drama that things got shitty and i felt like i was being put on the back burner.
That’s why I think it has been so hard for me.
I don’t think everyone has experienced this. Yes maybe as a child, but not something you would remember. I know in my lifetime, with her was the first time in my life i ever had that feeling. That feeling of complete and utter bliss and happiness. Smiling everyday, just happy to be alive. wanting nothing but to just love her and show her that.
I know i don’t feel that now. I do love my girlfriend, but not the same. She loves me that way. I wish I did her. It was the best feeling in the world.
Believe me, I am trying to move on and “wake up”. Every day I tell myself that. That I need to enjoy and appreciate what I have.
I can’t help these feelings when they come up though (I cried last night again). Like today being the day my ex and I first physically met. It was an amazing night.
I know I will probably never have that again. It’s just feelings that arise and they are hard to deal with and understand.
Thank you all for listening and helping. It has been getting a little better each day.
November 7, 2018 at 8:13 am #235817
loletaParticipantJohn,
I must confess I’ve only read a few of the posts in this thread….but a really good saying came to mind that was told to me.
Let me preface it with saying that I also have been “hooked” on someone. I’ve struggled alot.
“Don’t look back, you aren’t going that way”. The past and reminiscing has such a powerful spell and draw to us…. because the lighting is fuzzy and everything seems more perfect than it was.
The present is exactly that…..a gift. I am trying to stay in the present (the “gift”) and not look back.
🙂 Loleta
November 7, 2018 at 8:51 am #235823AnonymousGuestDear John:
I agree with you, “That feeling of complete and utter bliss and happiness. Smiling everyday, just happy to be alive. wanting nothing but to just love her and show her that.. it was the best feeling in the world”-
I have no doubt that it is the best feeling in the world. People invented heaven as a place where one day they will feel this “complete and utter bliss and happiness”.
We all experienced that feeling in early childhood, then forgot (“Yes maybe as a child, but not something you would remember”, you wrote and I agree).
We want that feeling!
It was almost magical, that you felt that feeling for as long as you did with your ex girlfriend, for hours at a time and day after day for a while. And yet, John, I have no doubt that it was not sustainable. If it wasn’t “her older son really started causing drama that things got sh**&”, it would have been something else.
There is no way that feeling would have lasted.
So again, I am back to my point: you are following a fantasy. That feeling is not sustainable. You got your heavenly experience (not continuous, but an impressive amount of it) and now it is gone. Not because the relationship ended, but because we do not live in heaven.
We can imagine heaven, but we don’t live in heaven.
anita
November 7, 2018 at 11:01 am #235855JohnParticipantThanks Loleta. I will try to focus that way.
Anita, I understand what you are saying, but I have to respectfully disagree some. I believe that when a person finds what they feel is true love, that that “feeling” will always be there. There may be some rough spots and times when there is some hurt, but that feeling will always exist and you will feel that throughout the relationship. I know when I hurt, all it took was a simple text from her to make the pain go away.
I have known people that have had and still have that. that feeling when you just look at someone and smile, just because. My aunt and uncle for example. It was amazing the love they had for each other throughout their entire relationship. When my aunt died, my uncle was destroyed. It took him years to get over losing her and I don’t think that he fully has.
Maybe we are only met to really have that with one person, maybe not. right now for me, I’m not sure. I do know that everyday that goes by, i do feel closer to my girlfriend. I know that she will never be my ex and i may never feel that way with her like i did my ex. But i’m working on focusing on her and us and trying to forget. It has been getting easier with every passing day. I still have tough ones. Almost like remembering someone that has passed on.
At this point in time, all I know that i can do is love my girlfriend and show her that i do. maybe in more time, when i can fully let go and take my ex off of that pedestal that Valora has talked about, i will get that feeling with my girlfriend.
thanks so much for everyone’s input. I appreciate it so much. 🙂
November 7, 2018 at 11:18 am #235863AnonymousGuestDear John:
That pedestal you mentioned, where you put your ex girlfriend on, that is the child viewing his mother on a pedestal, as some superior being and it is warm and cozy and safe and wonderful to worship that being on the pedestal, our mothers, or fathers, later reincarnated as a romantic love interest. It truly is a fantasy, one necessary in childhood, natural.
You are welcome and I respect your disagreeing with me. There is a song, it says: “Just one look at you, and the world’s all right with me”- sure that feeling exists as it did for you. It is just not sustainable, is what I am saying. People keep searching and searching for it as if it was a way of life.
But it is only a feeling, a fleeting feeling. It is not and cannot be a way of life. Not for your uncle, not for you or me or anyone. We can make our lives better, we can help each other, but we can’t make fantasy a reality, not for ourselves and not for anyone else.
anita
November 7, 2018 at 12:37 pm #235889JohnParticipantmaybe part of my issue is that i never had that pedestal with my parents, or at least i don’t think so. as you know what i’ve described my childhood as. And when she came along, it changed everything. Not knowing how to love or be loved my whole life, then that happened… something to learn and deal with I guess?
November 7, 2018 at 1:01 pm #235893AnonymousGuestDear John:
But you did have your parent/s on a pedestal very early, you were so very young, you just don’t remember. Write more if you want, I will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours.
anita
November 7, 2018 at 10:04 pm #235931
ValoraParticipantI’m not sure I agree, Anita, given I’ve experienced what John is talking about. I was with mine for 2 years and even though that’s a short time in the grand scheme of things, that feeling wasn’t fleeting at all. Right up until the last time he hugged me, I could feel my heart light up. It was like hugging him made my heart literally glow with light and warmth. It was the craziest feeling, and I would feel it very in the moment. It’s not something that’s forgettable. I’m not sure that it can be likened with a parental relationship. Although that IS where we form our initial attachments that set the stage for what we look for in the future, there is one piece to the puzzle missing with parental relationships, and that’s passion. The “true love” consummate relationship has intimacy, commitment, AND passion. Finding all 3 in a relationship is rare and I do believe, in certain connections, it really does last without fading…. and then other times, you lose one and that’s when the relationship starts going downhill. But, oh, when you have all 3 combined with a feeling of a soul connection, it’s a totally different experience and I don’t think anyone who hasn’t actually felt it can really understand because it’s just one of those things that does sound like a fairy tale or an exaggeration unless you actually feel it. Even after breaking up with me, my ex said he’s never experienced a connection like we have before. None of that really faded. Our problem was mainly our individual personal issues though. We definitely each had some growing up to do.
November 8, 2018 at 6:35 am #235963JohnParticipant“The “true love” consummate relationship has intimacy, commitment, AND passion. Finding all 3 in a relationship is rare and I do believe, in certain connections, it really does last without fading…. and then other times, you lose one and that’s when the relationship starts going downhill. But, oh, when you have all 3 combined with a feeling of a soul connection, it’s a totally different experience and I don’t think anyone who hasn’t actually felt it can really understand because it’s just one of those things that does sound like a fairy tale or an exaggeration unless you actually feel it.”
Valora, thank you for that. I thought i was going crazy. It’s funny because when i was with my ex-wife. She wanted that feeling with me. We loved each other and cared for each other and were best friends. However, i didn’t have “that” feeling. I would even tell her “it’s not like it is in the movies!” She hated that saying btw. But at that time, in my eyes it wasn’t. The thought of meeting someone and feeling that feeling almost immediately and having a connection so strong that it’s ridiculous. I didn’t believe in that crap at all… Not one bit!
Then it happened to me. I couldn’t believe it. I was dumbfounded. I have done things that i normally wouldn’t do for my ex that i never dreamed i would want to do. Yet, i did do them and loved it! Like just sitting at a picnic table by the river for an hour or more, just holding hands and talking. before her, there was no freaking way. I would of asked ” what are we going to do, just sit there?”
I heard stories of people meeting and within just a couple months, living together, then within a year getting married and it lasting forever and them still being as much in love as they were when they first met. I thought it was bullshit. How the hell could you just meet someone and know?
Well after my ex, I found out. I do know if circumstances were different. I know deep in my heart that we would still be together.
If we did live in the same town, and she didn’t have all that drama all hit at the same time, or even if she did. I would of been closer so that i didn’t feel like i was getting pushed away so much, causing me to become so insecure with her. Who knows we may have even been living together within 4-5 months of knowing each other. That’s when we were talking about it and trying to figure out a plan.
sorry, I’m getting off track here.
My point was, I was a skeptic. I didn’t believe in that until it happened to me. It’s such a strong feeling that it’s something that you cannot explain. And yes, if she were to text me, call me, or see me. I would feel the same way Valora did when she hugged her ex. EVERY TIME!
I’ve thought i was in love before her. I know now that I wasn’t. Or if I was it wasn’t a true, unconditional love.
Sorry, didn’t mean to blow up here. It’s been really hard. Tonight was the night one year ago that I screwed up and was going to copy and send a text my ex sent me to her friend to see what she thought(looking for help), and I accidentally sent it back to my ex, which I think was the real thing that finally made up her decision. She was a real private person and no matter how silly or simple a text was, Those were sacred to her. Like I betrayed her trust as bad as if I cheated on her. I knew at that moment that she was probably going to break it off for good.
And tomorrow night is the anniversary of her leaving me.
So this has been a real emotional week for me. Hard to think it has been a year. There are days or mornings that it feels like it was last night.
You are the only people I have to talk about this to. I can’t discuss how i’m feeling with my girlfriend anymore, because it’s making her feel like #2.
Thank you
November 8, 2018 at 7:19 am #235971AnonymousGuest* Dear Valora (and John):
I am restating my input following reading your post: sometimes the in-love feeling is permanent, that is, the person will experience that feeling repeatedly and for the remainder of one’s life if the relationship is no longer ongoing, that is, following separation, or if the relationship is ongoing but full of separations and reunions.
If the relationship is stable, the person feels safe in it, then that intense in-love feeling changes into something else.
My position is the same regarding this: I believe that the intense, euphoric in-love feeling is a reactivation of the abandoned or lonely, scared child’s longing for his or her mother/ care taker. That longing is often lifetime, and when triggered via a romantic relationship, it can last and last, and be specific to a particular person.
I am aware of the element of sex, or passion (your word) that is added to the experience of the parental relationship, an element that does not exist (although Freud disagreed) in the parental relationship.
You wrote: “I’m not sure that it can be likened with a parental relationship”. But notice what you wrote to John: “take your ex girlfriend off the pedestal. Really, truly.. take her down from there… you still have her on the idealistic mental pedestal… stop idealizing the relationship… Keep taking your ex off the pedestal… That day when I had that realization was the day I took him off of that pedestal I’d had him o n, and that was the day I started healing much, much more rapidly”-
The parent is on the pedestal for any young child, naturally. Seeing the romantic partner on a pedestal is evidence that a romantic relationship (with the added sexual element) is a reactivation of the parental relationship and the longing that was there.
Back to John, I suppose it is possible that he will feel this feeling for his ex girlfriend for the rest of his life, repeatedly.
Many posts ago, John shared about his mother abandoning him, simply not picking him up from preschool, I think it was, and being gone to another state, leaving him behind. It is that longing to her that is the longing he has been experiencing for this woman, the topic of his thread. If you read thoroughly through the many posts of this thread, as I have, you may see too that the relationship itself with this woman was not of quality communication, of a team work, of a mutual understanding and learning. As a matter of fact, the communication between them was poor.
For John, the relationship was strictly about that in-love feeling alone. Something about this woman activated his longing for his mother, something as simple as her smile or the excitement in her voice when she was amazed how big a seal was, as he shared.
John grew numb to his mother over the years, angry at her or indifferent. He forgot how desperately he longed for her as a young child. He forgot how intensely he needed her before he grew numb to her. It is that early desperation for his mother that got activated in this past relationship.
His longing is mostly not about this woman. It is about his mother.
anita
November 8, 2018 at 9:25 am #236011JohnParticipantAnita, i’m really trying to understand all of this. If my longing is for that, then how come i’m not feeling the same with my girlfriend now? She gives me everything that i’ve been “longing” for.
It’s so hard to explain all of this and how i feel. Everyday i go back and forth with feelings and emotions. It seriously is so difficult some days just to get through the day.
Today for example. My heart hurts so much. I can’t explain it or why.
I have everything I wanted at home now, yet i feel like i’m missing something. I’ve felt that way since she left me a year ago.
I hate that i can’t fix it. Maybe that’s one of my issues. I’ve always been able to fix anything that’s came in my life, with this. I can’t. I so bad want to just see her, grab her, and tell her face to face everything and tell her that we can make it work.
I know that’s not an option and that she has moved on with someone else. Probably before she left me. Maybe she is in love with this guy like I was her? I don’t know. I never will.
I can rationalize everything in my head, but then it still doesn’t sit right. I did have a connection with her that was unreal. And it’s like I have this feeling deep in my gut that she still feels that way with me, but she can’t act on it. It scares her too much or something. I don’t know why or how I feel this way, but i do.
I’m just going to get thr0ugh today and hopefully tomorrow will be better. Right now though it hurts like it just happened. I feel so alone and miserable. I hate this feeling. I hate that this woman did something to me that has changed me in what feels like forever.
just needed to vent. thansk
November 8, 2018 at 9:42 am #236015AnonymousGuestDear John:
“I have this feeling deep in my gut that she still feels that way with me, but she can’t act on it”- if she felt the attachment and longing for you that you feel for her, she would have acted on it long ago.
Why don’t you feel this way toward your current girlfriend? For the same reason you didn’t feel this way to other women in your life, including your ex wife. Your current girlfriend didn’t trigger that longing. Your ex girlfriend triggered it: could have been how very happy she appeared in your company, more excited, more child like excited and , joyful in your company than any woman has ever been before, or after her. I think you trusted that excitement to mean that she really, really loved you.
anita
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