very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic has 496 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by John.

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October 29, 2018 at 9:15 am #234307

Anuska
Participant

Hello John

From what I understand your feelings were geniune towards this woman. The question is how are you doing in your life? I think you should begin by letting your current girlfriend know how you are feeling. I think you are confused right now and need some time on your own. Stop feeling preocupied by everyone else. Your current girlfriend deserves your honesty and it will help you too. Eventually, she may even be the right one for you.

Anuska

October 30, 2018 at 2:29 pm #234597

John
Participant

Valora, i agree with a lot of what you are saying. With my ex… I really don’t think she was ready for a real serious commitment. I do know that basically when i was pushing for more, to become a stronger relationship, trying to see each other more. That’s when it all went to shit. I know that i did get incredibly needy, insecure, and controlling, however If she had really truly loved me. she could of communicated that with me a hell of a lot better than she did, especially since I asked her several times to tell me what is going on, wrote her letters guessing at what was happening, ect… and all she ever said was “she was a mess or broken” that “it had nothing to do with me”. Which maybe was true, but she could of told me Exactly what she needed from me instead of “protecting’ my feelings. Cause in the end i was the one that got hurt deep. I’m sure she hurt too, but for her to be able to pick up and “fall in love” with the next man she met, Supposedly not even a month after the left me. Well she must of not been hurting too bad. I do know with him, he is working out of state for the next 1-1/2 yrs so it’s not a “real relationship” according to her. That may be what she needs. Someone, but not someone all the time… Still sucks to think about though because I know if she could of been blunt and straight forward with me that I could of given her the space she needed. But i can’t dwell on that right? Very hard not to though. Like last night for instance, I was home alone watching all the kids and all i could think about was missing her and what we had.

Unfortunately i have put myself and her(my girlfriend) in a situation that is irreversible right now. With her financial situation, her moving in has “locked” her into living with me for quite some time. There is no way she could afford to move out. Where she was living before she moved in was ideal for her. Cheap rent and it was her moms house so she had flexibility. Her brother has moved in there and is buying that house now so she doesn’t have anywhere really to go. I do know that her work schedule is a big obstacle for us. That if she did work normal hours, i would feel better and not focus so much on what i did have before instead of what i do have now. I am going to do my best to make the best of the situation I am in though. She is looking for other work, hopefully something comes up soon. I do know that if it doesn’t change soon, that i will get to the point that i will be done and no going back. I love kids, but I’m not one of “those guys” that can take on a family on his own and do all of it all the time. It’s embarrassing to say, but i do like my freedom and free time. I know that with my ex-wife, she worked off schedules and that was a major problem and contributed to our splitting up because it was either her or me taking care of the kids all the time and neither of us ever got a break. And when we did have time together, we just both wanted to be left alone. So back to my current situation. Basically it is what it is. I know that i do love her and her kids. I am doing my best to not feel burdened and stuck. I really do think if she can find a job with normal hours that things will get better. I’m going to give it some time and if I’m still feeling this way in the beginning of the year, we will talk and try to figure something out. I do know if i’m still feeling this way by then, then it will not work and we will both have to go our separate ways. I am going to see this out though. I need to. I feel like if i can get past my past, that this will have a good chance and we will have a good chance for happiness.

It is hard though because i went from one extreme to another in a lot of aspects of these relationships.

Back to my ex… I am trying to get her off of that pedestal. I do know that i have her on one. the fact that I keep on comparing everything to when i was with her. I just hate that i didn’t get the chance to know and try to change how i was behaving. Right now i feel like that is something that will be very hard to get past and let go. Another thing is that I feel so cheated out of happiness. I feel like i was there for her through all the drama and pain she was going through and then when i just needed her a little bit to help me, she didn’t think i was worth it. Very heartbreaking.

Why is is so hard to let her go. I know what everyone has told me, but damn. It’s so hard . It’s hard to explain. I know from what everyone has told me including her, but i still can’t fully get it through my head how she could be done like that. It all felt so right for so long. It’s just tough somedays I guess.

I did cry again today. A part of me wants to never give up, always have that hope that someday, somehow we will meet again and reignite that spark that we had. I know that is an unrealistic thing to thing or hold on to, but somedays I can’t help it. It’s like i feel it in my bones that she does really have that love for me inside her somewhere, but buried it so deep that it won’t show again.

I’m going to go home tonight and try to stay busy, take care of the kiddos and do my best not to think of her. or dismiss thoughts i do have.

I do think i do need time on my own. significant time. but i’m not going to get that now. not without really screwing over my girlfriend and her kids. So I will do the best I can. I know now that i should of never started dating again. It was so hard though. i was so lonely. That was the only thing that kept my mind occupied at the time.

I really am sorry about dumping all of this all the time, but it’s the only escape or vent I have right now. Thank yo all so much for listening and helping. it does help.

October 30, 2018 at 4:22 pm #234609

John
Participant

Well. I’m home from work. Trying to get motivated. But all I want to do is sleep in the dark.

Why is it so hard not to feel like everything is my fault. I know it takes two, but all that keeps running through my head is all the mistakes I made. This is so frustrating.

How do I forgive myself when I feel like I did this. When my freaking brain constantly goes back to all the days or minutes even that lead up to it and afterand everything I did that I shouldn’t have. How can I still be so consumed with this a year later. I don’t understand it. I think I do, then I don’t. I feel so weak and worthless at times like this. It hurts so much. I just want to forget. I would give anything for that.

Its been a year! Why can’t I get it through my head and let my heart heal. She is done with me and never wants me back. She is happy with her life now and her boyfriend who she has been with for almost a year. Why is that enough. Why do I still have hope. I really do wish I would have never met her I hope that someday I can move on from this.

I don’t expect anyone to respond the this post. I just need to talk. I’m going to get my $$$ in order and try to start counseling again soon. This is ridiculous. It’s gotten so bad where I think of the ultimate escape. The only way I can finally be at peace. I would never do that, but times like now it seems so nice of the thought of it.

Thanks for listening.

I’ll stay In touch.

October 31, 2018 at 5:26 am #234651
Valora
Participant
That’s the thing I think you need to realize though…. you couldn’t have given her any of what she needed because she needed to work on herself and that’s something no one else can do for her. And giving her space would’ve ended up driving you even more nuts because that wasn’t what you wanted. It sounds like she just wasn’t ready to take the relationship as far as you were, and the same goes for probably any relationship since the one she got into afterward was long distance so that was really safe because long distance relationships are really limited in how close they can get. So that relationship probably feels “safe” for her in that way (which isn’t a good thing). Anyway, I’m not sure she knew what she needed and that’s probably why she couldn’t tell you either. Same for my ex and that’s why I think trying to get clarity from these people would only bring up more questions because THEY don’t even know why they did what they did. You know? You can’t really get closure or clarity from someone who isn’t clear themselves.

Well, I hope the situation with your girlfriend gets better soon. It’s extra hard when their work schedule is an obsticle. That was one with my ex and I as well. We worked opposite schedules (me first, him second, he’d come here to stay and we’d go right to bed) during the week, so we didn’t get a whole lot of quality time there. That sounds like a good idea, though, to wait it out until the beginning of the year. Maybe she will have some time off during the holidays and you guys will be able to figure things out. It’s also TERRIBLE to break up right before the holidays. It basically ruins them and makes the breakup feel even worse. So I think it’s a good idea to just wait and see how you feel afterwards and go from there. Especially if you’re able to let go of your ex more, that will help give you some clarity about your current situation, too.

There’s also nothing wrong with being one of “those guys” who just can’t enjoy taking on someone else’s kids all the time. I’m the same way. As a mom, I adore my own kids and can obviously care for them all the time, but I do not feel the same about other people’s kids. haha. I definitely don’t mind people’s kids most of the time, but I just am not someone who could be a babysitter or run a daycare.

It sounds like you’re getting closer to taking your ex off the pedestal too, and that’s good. Your first paragraph shows it. Just know that there isn’t anything you could’ve done. I really don’t think it was your behavior that pushed her away…. she was already pushing YOU away and it was most likely that that you were reacting to by trying to cling, right? So you just have to accept that there really wasn’t anything at all that you could’ve done that would’ve changed anything. This really was all on her and her issues that are causing her to keep people at arm’s length. You were trying to progress the relationship in a normal fashion, right? Naturally trying to move it forward as relationships are supposed to progress… and that is when she started pushing you away. I really think she just was not ready to be in a relationship that moved past a certain superficial point (which is why super long distance is safe) and there wasn’t anything you could’ve done about that, and if you’d stayed together, you probably would’ve gotten sick of the relationship never progressing and it would’ve driven you crazy anyway. There truly wasn’t anything you could’ve done to change this… and that’s okay. It just is what it is.

You also can’t really be cheated out of happiness by someone else. Happiness comes from within and no external sources, so the only person cheating you out of happiness is you. She wasn’t able to help you because she couldn’t even help herself. She is obviously going through something that she very much needs to figure out and resolve, so that’s why it’s probably hard for her to see the picture outside of that. So I think it might also be your own expectations that you need to let go of, too, and that may help. You have all of these ideas of how things could have been or should have been (and I did that for a long time too), but that’s not how things ARE or even were. So when you start thinking of this stuff, just remind yourself that they are a fabrication of your own mind and not actually real or true and you can’t expect things like that from other people or it’s not coming from a place of love. Love should be without expectations, you know? And also without so much attachment.

You can also feel free to let yourself keep a part of that hope of reconciliation if you want. I think I probably always will too. Just don’t keep it at the forefront of your mind. Take her off the pedestal and put her memory on a storage shelf for now. If she comes back after she’s done some growing, then great, she’ll be there on that shelf for you to dust off, so to speak, but if not, you will know your happiness doesn’t depend on it and it will just be a memory to look back on and a good lesson learned. Easier said than done, believe me, I know, but you can do it because I did and I was where you are feelings-wise just like 1.5 months ago. Minus the current relationship. haha. You got this.

Does your girlfriend have NO ONE else that can watch the kids? What did she do before you came along? If the father is supporting the kids at all, she should be able to get help with child care costs.

Most importantly, though… remember. This is NOT your fault. You did not do this. You could not have changed the result. I’ll guarantee she is keeping her current relationship from progressing, too, (unless she’s done some major inner work) and if he tries to push closer, he will get pushed away, too. These are her issues, not yours. So you have to give yourself permission to accept what is and what happened and forgive yourself for what you think you did. I did plenty that put a strain on my relationship, too, and I lamented over those things for a long time, thinking I could’ve changed things if I’d only worked on them FASTER or talked to him sooner, but at the end of the day, if he was in even a decent place emotionally, we could have worked through it. He was unwilling because I truly believe he was incapable of that at that time (and he even told me after we broke up that I’ve been so accommodating of his issues and he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t be the same with mine. I realized later that it was because he was in such a bad spot emotionally. He didn’t even know how to handle his own issues, let alone mine). The same is probably true for your ex. Neither one of them talked to us about what was going on before they broke up with us… that truly does mean there was nothing we could have done. They made that decision without us, so it really is all on them. Our input wouldn’t have mattered and our actions or lack thereof didn’t matter either. Give yourself permission to accept that. It’ll help a ton, trust me.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
October 31, 2018 at 8:31 am #234705

John
Participant

“t’s also TERRIBLE to break up right before the holidays. It basically ruins them and makes the breakup feel even worse.”

Yes, i know this from experience. My holidays last year were the worst ever. I was supposed to spend the whole turkey day weekend with her family, and instead i got to see pics on FB of them all having a good ole time while i was home alone for 4 days and nights in my room, miserable. Xmas was no treat either. It was all I could do to keep it together so my girls had fun.

“Does your girlfriend have NO ONE else that can watch the kids? What did she do before you came along? If the father is supporting the kids at all, she should be able to get help with child care costs.”

Nope. Before when she was living at her house, she only worked a couple nights here and there(she worked at a different job), she had daycare fees covered by the state(now she makes too much money-in that bracket too much for help by the state and not enough to live off of), and her roommate would help out watching the kids, getting them to and from school if needed and her parents lived around the corner, so they helped some too. Now, her roommate turned out to be a POS and she doesn’t talk to her and my house is 20 minutes from where she lived before, so having her parents help is pretty much out of the question unless its a scheduled day or something.

Her kids father is a deadbeat dad. The haven’t seen him their entire lives and my girlfriend hasn’t received on penny from him. He currently owes at least $150,000 in back child support and climbing.

so no support in any way or form from their father what so ever.

Valora, thank you for that by the way. It’s like you know exactly what to say. I appreciate you and your input. Having you have gone through this same thing and seeing where you are now does give me hope for myself. thanks again.

October 31, 2018 at 8:49 am #234715
Valora
Participant
Wow, you guys have gotten yourselves in quite the bind. Hopefully your girlfriend can find a job that will allow her to live much more comfortably and support her family. I know from experience with that, too, that it’s a tough spot to be in.

And you are very welcome. I’m glad I can help. And to hopefully add to the hope…. it was only about 3 weeks ago that I was crying to my counselor about needing closure, feeling miserable again, and then it was that very next day that I started asking myself WHY I truly needed it and what would I really gain from it. That was the day I decided to officially take my ex off the pedestal, and I have seriously felt leaps and bounds better ever since, so you just never know when you might start feeling a ton better and fell more like letting go. It could take you a month or it could literally hit you 12 hours from now, where you decide this isn’t worth it and she belongs on a shelf at the back of your mind rather than a pedestal at the front. I really think it sounds like you’re starting to get to that point, where you’ll be able to do that. So hang in there and keep working on it! Allllmost there!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
October 31, 2018 at 9:30 am #234739

John
Participant

Yeah, we are in a pickle, that’s for sure. What’s funny is when we lived apart, she was working elsewhere and had help with the kids, so we saw a whole lot of each other. Part of the reason we moved in together was to be able to see more of each other because having my girls every other week, I wasn’t able to get over there much on those weeks, Now that we live together, we actually see less of each other. How’s that for a twist…

Not to dwell on shit, but this day a year ago was the last time i really felt loved by my ex. We were texting off and on during trick or treating. It was about 8:30-9:00 and she told me she was going to go to bed and goodnight. No “i love you” or anything. So i responded “okay, goodnight” or something like that. No “i love you” or anything back. She responded “I love you too!!!” So I responded with hearts before and after “I LOVE YOU” she responded “that’s more like it” with hearts back.

It was things like this that really through me off and still does. She told me a while ago that she knew she was done the weekend before Halloween, that she knew we were over the last weekend we were together, but then if that was the case, why respond like that? I almost feel like she liked having the upper hand or being in control. Because when ever i would get distant or generic, she would get all lovey dovey. but then when i would be loving, she would get distant. There was even a day after that when i went a couple hours without texting her and she texted me “your awfully quite today?” I told her that i was just giving her space, then she said she felt like an asshole. It’s really weird. Even when we first started talking again, for her to send me a text asking if i saw the moon tonight (that was a big thing with us) and then a pic of herself saying “so you don’t forget me”, so I sent her one back saying the same thing and she replied ” i could never forget you or those beautiful blue eyes”. I think that’s when i started really feeling it all over again. It just really felt like she did miss me, and had thoughts of us. I mean who would send texts like that if you were done. really confusing. I think it was things like that that gave me hope and still does…. even though she has made it clear she is done with me.

October 31, 2018 at 1:01 pm #234835

John
Participant

well, i did something i shouldn’t have…

I retrieved all of her pics I deleted from my drop box and started looking at them again. Shouldn’t of done that. I just miss her so freaking much, even the bad parts. I kept every pic ever taken or sent. She sent me so many selfies it was ridiculous. We were together for one year almost to the day and yet I have over 400 pictures of her or us or us and my kids. I still don’t understand. I hope that i can get to the place you are at Valora. I really do. I just can’t seem to let go no matter how hard i try. Almost like my heart is breaking more and more every day. So frustrating.

October 31, 2018 at 5:56 pm #234883

Valora
Participant

You will get to the place I am, but you can’t given into temptation like that if you’re having such trouble. I’m pretty sure that just showed you how it makes it harder. You have to do what you can to separate yourself from the thoughts of her, which includes staying away from anything like photos or things that remind you of her (that are possible to avoid), at least until you’re in a better place, and even then, try not to look at that stuff.

As for all of those things you are wondering…. I think it’s pretty safe to say that when people are in a place in their lives where they’re confused about what they want or they’re just not feeling themselves or they don’t know what they’re doing, they tend to do confusing things. I know I’ve definitely confused the heck out of people in the past with my actions, even though it wasn’t intentional on my part. I just didn’t have myself figured out back then. I do think that the things she said after she had been so sure she wanted to end things might’ve been her wanting an ego boost. She could’ve been confused then, too, and just didn’t want to admit it. There’s really no way to know for sure, and that’s the stuff that you have to become okay with not knowing. You just kind of have to accept that you don’t have all the answers and you probably never will and that has to be okay. Overanalyzing is keeping you stuck where you are, unable to move forward, so if you don’t want to be in this place forever, you just kind of have to accept that things happened that didn’t make sense and that people really just do things sometimes that don’t make sense, and you have to let that be okay and do your best to leave that in the past.

It’s okay to miss her. I miss my ex, too. He was a big part of my life and I think I miss his friendship most of all. We were best friends and I appreciated him for who he was at his core, but we just were not heading in a good direction then with all of his issues getting to him like they were. You would not believe the amount of confusing things HE was doing. haha. But I’ve just accepted that things happened the way they did for a reason and all of those confusing things he did were likely a result of the state of mind he was in when he did them, so I’ve just stopped letting myself wonder. And I can tell you, that’s one thing that helped me a ton, too. You just have to get your mind away from those patterns of thinking… no matter how difficult that may be to do. You just have to do it.

November 1, 2018 at 9:38 am #234979

John
Participant

Thanks again Valora, everything you have said makes perfect sense and i’m really trying to quit obsessing on this crap.

When we were out trick or treating last night we walked by a house having a party, people laughing, dancing, ect… freaking triggered me again to our last weekend together. Watching her dance with her friend. Was killing me. However My girlfriend was with me last night and we had a pretty good night. It is very hard dismissing those feelings though and not getting upset when they happen.

November 1, 2018 at 12:35 pm #234999

John
Participant

ugh, still been thinking. I have been trying to focus on all the negative that was in our relationship though. And the reasons everything happened. For example. I did quit being honest with her. I stopped telling her how i felt when she would flake out on me or cancel or be way late. I am telling myself it was both our faults, hers for when i did bring something up how she reacted and mine for not telling her anyways. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and learning that you have to be 100% completely honest with each other and we weren’t. She says she always has been, but I know that’s bullshit. I know she stopped because she didn’t want to hurt me, And i know i stopped being that way after time because i was afraid of hurting her or causing more pain for her.

I have also been learning (from that relationship and my new one), that i have a tendency to guilt trip when things don’t go my way and also to make any situation about me. My ex even told me after we broke up that it was always about me. Which i didn’t see because I though I was always there for her with all of her problems. But looking back, i realized that whenever something did come up I was somewhat empathetic with her, but then i would immediately make it about me being upset that our plans got ruined or changed instead of just being there for her without bringing my feelings in the equation. I feel like i still had a right to my feelings, but I always brought them up at the wrong time. I should of just been a shoulder or ear for her and i was constantly trying to fix it and got butt hurt because those issues were inconvenient for me.

There is so much I am learning about myself. So much that i’m trying to fix about myself and make me better. The ironic thing is that when i did do that. I think I knew i was doing it, but thought if i showed her i was upset she would want to be with me. Instead if anything, i think it just made her feel worse and guilty. And that she could never satisfy me. freaking hindsight huh???

November 1, 2018 at 1:17 pm #235015
Valora
Participant
Yep, that kind of thing happens in a lot of relationships. It’s basically a breakdown of communication. My ex stopped confiding in me like he used to, had a bunch of things going through his mind (personal stuff that didn’t involve me) and rather than vent to me, he bottled it up and it just kept exploding out when the pressure got to be too much. And I stopped telling him how I felt for probably the same reason you did with your ex, was just afraid I’d screw things up somehow or make him want to leave. Oh, the irony. haha!

It sounds like you’re learning a lot of good things though that will serve you well in the future. Being able to recognize your own problems is a blessing because you have to do that before you can fix them. So be proud of yourself that you’ve gotten to this place. It’s progress, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Before long, you will get to a point where you feel comfortable just taking the focus completely off of her altogether. She will still run through your mind occasionally, but the thoughts will be much more fleeting and you won’t have to worry about trying to focus on negative or positive things, you just redirect your attention away altogether. It sounds like you’re getting closer to that point, so just keep being patient with yourself and try not to get frustrated. Go with the flow. Thoughts come in and they go right back out. It’s a process and you have to go through the motions, but you’ll get there the more you keep working on letting go, bit by bit.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
November 1, 2018 at 2:28 pm #235035

John
Participant

I think the longer i go without contact will help too. I only went about 3 months or so before, then we started talking again and like i said, it felt like she was kind of flirting or missing me for a while. I really think that that made me go backwards, cause before that i was all about my girlfriend i have now. it has been only two months now since my last contact with her. It is very hard though. So much of me just wants to see her face to face and tell her all of this in person. To make her really see that i have seen my errors and mistakes. I know in my head that that wouldn’t do anything or solve anything. But in my heart i feel like if she could see how sincere I really feel about all of this that who knows.

It’s just weird how the mind and heart works. I don’t know anything about her life now, except that she has finally done things and steps in her own life to make her happier. Things that we talked about several times and I tried to help her with. Things that i felt like i was waiting for so we could be happier and focus on each other more. I I know she has a boyfriend for almost a year now that she is in love with and makes her happy. for all I know she could feel about him like i did her or he could just be comfort. I’ll never know. It’s just messed up sometimes where my brain goes.

I do agree with you about If its meant to be it will be and it has to happen in it’s own way. could be next month, 5 years from now, or never. And if we do ever meet again we will have to fall in love all over again. I can’t make anything happen or force it to. For now i do have to focus on my girlfriend I have that loves me for everything i am, flaws and all. It is difficult though. having loved someone with all of your heart and soul. Someone you would of died for without hesitation. Being able to let that go is the hardest thing i will have ever done in my life.

November 1, 2018 at 8:11 pm #235063

Valora
Participant

Well, if it makes you feel any better, your brain is totally normal. haha. I’ve thought about and wondered all of those things about my ex as well. That was part of the reason I wanted to talk to him for “closure” because we haven’t seen each other since March and “what if?” haha. But if we are meant to be together, I believe life will throw us back together at some point without effort on my part, because I’ve made it clear in the past where I’ve stood, and that’s about all I can do, and now it’s up to him. I think the same goes for you with your ex. She knows where you stand and that’s about all you could’ve done after the breakup. Plus, after a while, I think you just get to a point where you’re just tired of wondering and thinking about it and don’t see the point in it anymore. That’s a good place to be. There’s definitely a freedom that comes with giving up the need to worry about it. That doesn’t mean you have to give up all hope forever, you just have to stop being attached to the outcome. It really isn’t her that you want. It’s someone who makes you feel the way that she made you feel, only without all of the stuff that made you feel bad. And if she does come back, and you’ve both done some growing, it absolutely would have to be treated like a brand new relationship, because you don’t want to bring any of the baggage from the old relationship into the new one. That would just add tension to the new relationship… and that’s why it’s so important to completely let go of it all, no matter what.

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you talk about that special type of love/connection. Letting go of that has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do as well, but at the same time, I’ve grown leaps and bounds, and now I feel like I’ve been able to get to a good place where I don’t feel helpless and I do feel hopeful about finding that kind of a connection again, even if it’s with someone completely different. We just never know what will happen, who we’ll meet, when, etc.

November 2, 2018 at 6:29 am #235101

John
Participant

“It really isn’t her that you want. It’s someone who makes you feel the way that she made you feel, only without all of the stuff that made you feel bad.”

Well that’s a yes and no. Our first month was a little rough and it wasn’t until the last couple months that it got hurtful. I’m telling you, all those in between were freaking amazing. I do want that feeling again. I want it so bad. I was thinking about it last night. My girlfriend was working and texted goodnight and I love you. When i was with my ex, anytime she texted at all my heart jumped, and when she told me she loved be. I always got a big smile on my face. Really hard to explain.

Now, well….

My girlfriend makes me feel good and loved. But i don’t get anything close to that feeling I had before. That feeling of complete and total euphoric bliss.

On my way to work this morning, i was remembering one of our road trips. Not on purpose, it just kind of snuck in there. They were so much fun and I always felt so at peace, natural, and happy.

Now, I think that having the kids now all the time, work schedules, and money is creating that block for me. That block that won’t let me enjoy this. Cause of all the stress on a daily basis. When we do get time, we are both so stressed and exhausted and both of us feel so negative about everything it’s preventing that feeling from being allowed to happen.

“I don’t feel helpless and I do feel hopeful about finding that kind of a connection again, even if it’s with someone completely different. We just never know what will happen, who we’ll meet, when, etc.”

Right now for me, i do feel helpless and the thought of having that connection again is a fantasy. I hope that i can and i will someday. Maybe it will be with my girlfriend or maybe this relationship isn’t meant to last and it will be with someone else. Right now is too early to tell, but it’s not fair of me not to give it a chance just because times are tough.

I do wonder if i will ever have one full day when i don’t miss my ex though, or have thoughts or memories of her pop in my head. It gets really bad sometimes. Even sometimes when my girlfriend and I are having sex, i would think of my ex(again. NOT ON PURPOSE). I just think about how great it was and how well we fit together while in bed(not literally). Really hard to explain and I really hate it that that does happen.

Damn, love is a curse sometimes. It really feels that way.
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