Hi John,

No need to be sorry. If typing out your thoughts and feelings helps you, continue to do it for sure. It’s funny how the brain tries to make sense of things, isn’t it? I mean, take the “I’m not feeling it” text. It sure would be nice to know exactly what she meant by that. Did she want to spend time with another guy? Was her house a mess and she needed some time to clean it up before you saw it? Or was she tired after a long work week and just wanted to crash on her sofa and watch a cooking show on TV? And what about the half-hour “mystery time”? Was she with someone else during that time? Or did she just take longer to get out of her house than she wanted to admit? Chances are you’ll never know the answers but your brain will continue to search for them. All of us go through this. It’s one of the reasons why I prefer to be around people who only tell me the truth because I don’t want to have to figure the truth out. It’s way too exhausting! That’s what happens once you start doubting someone’s honesty, isn’t it? You have to figure out the truth on your own. I don’t have this problem with my husband. He’s completely honest with me. And you don’t have this problem with your current girlfriend either, do you? But, looking back, you did have this problem with your  ex-gf. Sure would have been difficult having a happy long-term relationship with someone whose complete honesty with you was in question.

B

Hi John,

You say I do wish so bad that i could go back to that summer and re-live everything knowing what  i do know now though.  So bad…  it plagues me every day. But the thing is, John, you don’t know anything about why she did what she did. You think you have a pretty good idea, but you could be totally wrong. After thinking, thinking, and thinking some more, you’ve arrived at what you believe is probably the truth, but you may have it all wrong.

It sure would have been helpful if she had been completely forthcoming with you!

There are times in life when we have to accept that we’ll never know the truth about something. We’ll never be certain about what really happened. It’s called sitting with uncertainty and it’s about knowing that although we may never be able to make sense of something, we’ll be okay.

B

Hi John!

I’ve been a little MIA, but I’ve had a lot going on the last few days. As for how I’m doing it, I just think I’m a little farther along in the “letting go” part than you are. I’ve talked to my ex here and there on a friend level, but he hasn’t really led me on in a long time (since the end of March or so) in the way your ex has led you on more recently, so it’s been a little easier for me. I also have been doing a lot of reading on HOW to let go. I think it also probably helps that I can’t visualize…. in general. It’s just not something I have ever been really able to do. I close my eyes and I don’t really see anything unless I’m asleep and start dreaming, but once I’m awake, I can’t really see much of a picture anymore.  Don’t close your eyes and try to see things though…. just keep them open and focus on what you’re physically doing in the present. Be mindful. Look at your surroundings, listen to the sounds, even the little things. Just bring yourself back to where you are when your mind starts to drift.

A couple quick notes that I think really help… take your ex girlfriend off the pedestal. Really, truly… take her down from there. I know you can kind of see all of these things that weren’t quite right with you two (that you’ve mentioned here and there), but they aren’t really getting through to your mind because you still have her up on the idealistic mental pedestal. Once you REALLY take her down from there and stop idealizing the relationship, you will find that you will be able to start the process of truly letting go much easier and faster.

Also… don’t FIGHT the thoughts of her… when they come, acknowledge them in your head and then let them go on their merry way. It would be like, “oh, I’m thinking of her again, that’s okay, but I’m going to just let this thought pass right on through my head and then start thinking about what I’m doing at this present moment (like I described above… mindfulness).” And then concentrate on what you’re doing right then rather than her. The more you fight the thoughts, the worse it’s going to feel. What your mind really wants is some form of control over the situation (which is why you’re fighting the thoughts), but this isn’t anything you can control. You can’t even really control the time it takes to truly get over her. You just kind of have to accept where you’re at, make the decision to take her off that pedestal (if that is what you’re ready to do, if you truly want to feel better), and then just ease up and go with the flow until you find yourself naturally moving on. There is going to come a point where you truly find yourself WANTING to move on and it’ll feel good…. once you stop idealizing her.

To be clear, I STILL think about my ex here and there pretty much daily, but I can tell you the thoughts hang around less and less and they don’t bring up nearly as much emotion as they used to… usually no emotion at all, even with the things that trigger them… and that all started when I seriously took him off of that pedestal I had him up on… and I only decided to take him off of there a few weeks ago, and I’m already feeling much better. Do I hope we have another chance someday? Sure, part of me does, BUT I’m certainly not banking my happiness on it and I know there are others out there that might be an even better match for me. We have NO WAY of knowing what the future holds or who else is out there that we haven’t met yet so it really doesn’t make sense to attach ourselves to the idea of one person… but our minds (really, our egos) want that one person because they’re familiar and we like the feelings they gave us…. but they aren’t the only people out there that are capable of giving us those feelings.

Wouldn’t you want someone who gives you those feelings but is also on the same page as you? Who communicates in a way similar to you or loves in the same way that you do so there’s less confusion? Who has the same beliefs as you do about not cancelling plans and other things that are really important to you? That person could definitely be out there and someone you haven’t even met yet that you could literally meet any day now, but you won’t recognize them if you’re caught up in your feelings over your ex. So maybe just work on trying to get to the point where you feel comfortable taking her off of that idealistic mental pedestal that you have her on (and again, I was doing the same thing with my ex), and let that be your first real step towards recovering totally…. and if she does come back, that’ll just be a bonus if you decide you still want her by then… but think about this…. if she comes back and you’ve already found someone BETTER suited for you who makes you even happier and feel even more loved and appreciated, are you really going to care that she came back? haha. If anything you’d get the satisfaction of being able to say too little, too late.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.

John… I really think that’s the “ego” part of your mind telling you that you’ll never find someone like her… but that doesn’t make it true. I think the biggest thing here is that you’re not to a point yet where you truly WANT to let go… and I know exactly how that feels, because I was there, too, not too long ago. Part of me really wished I could just let go and stop wanting to be with him so I could feel better already, but there was a stronger part of me that felt the same way about my ex that you do about yours… that it was just meant to be, sooner or later, and he was it. My mind was attached. You have to work harder on getting PAST that point if you truly want to feel better. Otherwise, nothing any of us say is really going to help you and you’re just going to keep going in circles. At some point you HAVE to truly be able to detach or you’re going to end up being one of those people who are still pining after this person years later. Meanwhile, that person moved on long ago.

I think it would help a ton if you would relax some. You say you “want to move on so bad that it consumes” you. That is not helping you in any way. If you are feeling so strongly that it’s consuming you, it’s likely that you are not in a place where you ACTUALLY want to move on… and normally I’d say that’s okay, that we all have to move on in our own time, but you have another woman in your life that deserves the mental attention that you are currently giving to your ex. So in order to let go, you need to loosen the grip. Keep taking your ex off the pedestal and don’t let your ego put her back on there. She doesn’t deserve to be there.

I also am not so sure that you would have felt a love and devotion with your current girlfriend if you hadn’t met your ex first, but I don’t know. Do you feel like you’re just not letting your girlfriend in emotionally? If you have and you are still feeling so strongly for your ex, that sort of suggests that you just don’t have that same type of connection that you want with your current girlfriend. It’s generally either there and you feel it or it isn’t. I feel like I’ve met two of my soulmates in my life… was just totally and completely in love with the first one for most of my younger years, at least a decade of my life, he felt very strongly for me too but we could just never get the timing right… yet I still felt he was the only one for me…. then I met my ex and it was like my feelings were proven wrong about the first one and I was over him almost immediately, no longer wanting to be with him because my connection with my ex was so strong and felt so much better. I don’t know if that’s the case for everyone, but I definitely haven’t thought much about my first one since, and that’s why I know there are better connections out there, even when you think it isn’t possible. You just don’t know what you don’t know.

Anyway, just be gentle and, most importantly, patient with yourself. You can’t FORCE yourself to get over her, you can only take the steps that will guide you there naturally and you owe it to your current girlfriend to take those steps. You just probably have to relax and go with the flow a little bit more. Let those thoughts go right back out of your mind when they come in, without any kind of fight. Eventually they will start slowing down and have less emotional pull. You will know when you’re TRULY ready to let go, because it’s a mindset change. Letting go starts sounding good in a peaceful way, not a painful way.

Also… this confession letter… it’s a good idea to journal or write to get thoughts out if you think that will help, but definitely, definitely don’t send it to her. Quite frankly, if an ex-boyfriend sent me a confession letter about stalking me on FB and tracking my messenger time, if I’d had thoughts of getting back with him, that would probably kill them… even though that’s probably a totally common thing people do surrounding breakups (and that’s why I wouldn’t even feel guilty about that if I were you. I’d wager a good 70-80% of people AT LEAST who use FB do that kind of thing after a breakup). But even if she weren’t done, sending that to her would hurt more than it’d help.

John , Im going through something similar.

I was with my ex for 4 years, and like you she was the best, I share a similar story. The only difference is that it was my family issue which got in the way which caused our split.

we have been split about 18 months now. I have been dating my new GF for about year, Whom has been truly great to me

However Im still fighting the demons and the ghosts from my EX , she is still on mind. I have written to her a couple of times but had no response,  I no im hurting not just me, but my new GF and probably the EX.  my ex is almost like an addiction. to make things worse I have to travel past her hosue everyday on my way to work.  So ig it helps I know the emtions you are going through, ITS hell

John, trust me. You don’t need closure. I felt the same way literally 3 weeks ago. I was talking to my counselor, crying in his office, wishing for closure. I went home from that appointment and thought why… what is closure really going to give me? If I tried to talk to my ex about things, it would likely just bring up more questions and more questions. I decided what I really wanted was clarity and I’m not sure he could really give that to me either. It’s just one of those things that you have to accept that you won’t know and let that be okay. You don’t NEED to know. It’s all in the past and can’t be changed no matter what you do… and sometimes I think we want closure just because there’s hope that if we get them talking about it, they’ll decide they want us back. But I know that’s not how I would want my ex to come back. If he came back, it would have to be his own decision without any influence from me, otherwise he would likely just leave again later and I’d have to start this whole process over. He CHOSE to leave me, so he has to be the one to make things right, if he decides he wants to do that. That day when I had that realization was the day I took him off of that pedestal I’d had him on, and that was the day I started healing much, much more rapidly. I think I’d still want to try to work things out if he did come back (if he’s done some growing up too) BUT I don’t feel like I need him to anymore and I really don’t care whether he does or not because I’m going to be fine either way… and quite frankly, his loss. lol

Your ex may have loved you, John, but from what you’ve said, I’m not sure it was as much as you loved her. You’ve said she kept blowing you off to even just stay home and do nothing, and I know when you are head over heels, you want to spend every minute you can together. So that might need to be something you might want to accept as a possibility as well. I really think you can do better than your ex and you may already HAVE better in your current relationship when you finally let your ex go and let your current girlfriend in emotionally.

So yes, focusing on your girlfriend this weekend is a GREAT idea. Any thoughts that come into your mind about your ex, just let them pass and refocus on all of the things you love about your current girlfriend and your life as it is now. You seem to be focusing A LOT on the past but what do you love about your life now?

And for goodness sake, FORGIVE YOURSELF. For all of it. You CANNOT go back and change any of it so, I promise you, none of your guilt over any of this is helping you and all of those talks with her and any of those changes you wish you’d made likely would’ve had the same exact result anyway. This was a decision SHE made on her own… without you. It’s not one you could’ve prevented, no matter how much your mind would like to believe you could’ve if you’d done things differently. This was all her. Things happen for a reason, so find the lesson in it and then let everything else go and you will feel so much better.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.

Your ex-girlfriend and your current girlfriend are great examples of why you should not get involved with dating someone when you are not in a good place, especially when you have unresolved issues/feelings for an ex.

I think it sounds like you’re assessing your situation with your ex correctly. That sounds logical/reasonable to me. Given what she was going through, she may not have actually been capable of loving anyone the way you loved her. She just might not have had it in her because she had so many issues with herself, and that will likely continue with everyone she dates afterwards until she resolves those issues. I think this is also why some people can move on so easily from one person to the next… they’re not even capable of forming deep attachments yet.

As for your girlfriend, it sounds like she has some issues she might need to work through, too:

“My girlfriend told me Saturday night, that no matter what I do, she is not leaving me unless I tell her i am done. I could basically cheat on her ( I wouldn’t, just an example) and she would stay. That’s how much she loves me.”

That’s not love, John. That’s codependence, over-attachment, and a complete disrespect for self. You can love someone unconditionally, but for someone who is independent with a good self-esteem and no attachment issues, cheating would NEVER fly. No matter how much you love someone. Quite frankly, what you’re doing now, with putting another girl first half the time, that would never fly either. If I were dating someone like that, I would’ve been out LONG ago.

Her drinking so much isn’t really a good sign either. If she does it so much that it might seem like an addiction, even a minor one, that is definitely a sign of underlying issues. For example, I used to have a huge problem with compulsive shopping. As soon as I fixed my underlying issues, I no longer had any desire to shop.

The problem with getting involved with someone new when you are in a bad space in your life is that you are also attracting people who are in bad spaces. Like attracts like. You had issues and so does she and that is most likely why your current relationship isn’t feeling right. Then if you fix your issues and hers stay the same (because maybe she doesn’t recognize that she has them), that that creates even more of a disconnect that makes things feel even more wrong. It’s likely you can’t feel the same towards her because you are not truly a match. You can wish you felt the same until your face turns blue, and it still won’t happen if she isn’t your match (and you might subconsciously know that so your heart won’t let the feelings develop). Your REAL match is much more likely to come along when you get yourself into a TRULY good space, where you’ve let go of your ex, are feeling good. THAT is when you will attract a GOOD match, because you’ll be feeling good. Does that make sense? It’s even possible that that match could be your ex if you BOTH fix your issues and get into that good space and are attracted back together… BUT you have to let go of her first or that won’t happen because you won’t get into that space where you’re feeling great.

However…. both of these women have clearly taught you something. Your ex showed you the kind of relationship you want. She showed you the things you really like in someone and the feeling that you’re looking for.  Your current girlfriend has shown you what you were doing before that damaged the relationship with your ex and how that might have felt to her, so that is a good lesson to learn so that you don’t be that way again. These are valuable lessons! That makes both relationships worth having in the end, no matter how they’ve ended up.

So…. you can take my advice with a grain of salt if you want, but what I think you should do is absolutely set those standards and boundaries that you think you should set for yourself, and I would add “good, flowing conversation” to that list, too. Those are important to you and are what will keep you happy in a relationship. If your current girlfriend does not line up with those standards, that should really tell you something. If you end up breaking up, then just stay single for a bit, at least until you can get to the point that you aren’t thinking about your ex so much. Start doing the things that you have always wanted to do, pick up fun hobbies, learn new things, get involved in new things (you’ll have the time because you won’t always be watching kids), and you will naturally feel your mood pick up. Once your mood picks up and you are consistently in that space of feeling great, THAT is when your true match is most likely to come along… because like attracts like. You want a great match, you need to be in a great space mentally and energy-wise. When you attracted your current girlfriend you were NOT in a great space, and that’s why she’s probably not a great match. It really probably has little to actually do with your ex.

Keep working on fully letting your girlfriend go, though. Even if you want her back, the only way to get her back (and keep her this time) is to fully let her go. But keep being patient with yourself, too. It’s a process, and that’s okay.