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Unrequited Love BullShit & Also, Self-Love?

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  • September 17, 2014 at 5:35 pm #65107
    Marie
    Participant

    Unrequited love, folks. How do you deal with it?

    I will admit I have very low self-worth and confidence. Not sure why. Just have always felt like I don’t belong and have always felt like I’m not good enough. ::shrug:: I guess you could say I’m a bit meek (ugh). Quiet. Sensitive. Reticent. Guarded. Introspective. What have you.

    Still, with all this said, many people claim I am beautiful (though I would never, ever utter this out loud – are you kidding me?). They try to date me, possess me. Be my boyfriend/girlfriend. They build me up. Put me on a pedestal. Some even see the real me. I’m very introverted and awkward, so walking home and getting numerous catcalls and having men approach me is kind of exhausting. (Granted, it doesn’t happen ALL the time – like, men aren’t swarming me when I don’t make eye contact, but I’ve found that when I DO make eye contact – well, it’s terrifying. Totally opens me up for conversations and meeting new people and sometimes that’s great and sometimes it’s just scary. Life and being afraid to live and all that. Why am I so afraid? And also, it’s not like I dress slutty. I can’t afford expensive, fancy clothes and make-up’s itchy and annoying and I just don’t like it).

    I’ve been told I have an elegant nature and am an otherworldly/timeless beauty and blah blah blah, I really hate writing this, it sounds conceited and arrogant and makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don’t know how to handle it and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown so I am asking for help. I feel like if I could be at peace with myself I would find a way to rise up and be open to all people and not be so drained by these encounters. And it’s not that I’m not grateful for my health and my spirit and how my parents raised me. I feel very fortunate and very lucky that I have this healthy body and I hope I will have many happy, healthy years in the future (just like you, and you, and you). I love how I look because I am a product of my parents and I see them in my weird facial expressions and I love them to death, I really do. I love where I come from. I love my ancestors. My history.

    But man, I feel lost. And the worst thing, the absolute unbearable thing, is that despite all these weird encounters with strangers and friends asking to get to know me there is this one guy… this one charming, attractive guy that I am actually really into. He’s the only one really. (I mean, I love others, of course, but not with this intensity – though even that ebbs and flows.) It’s kind of ridiculous. I’ve never really met anyone like him. He’s completely changed my life. But… but he’s just not into me. He sees me as a friend and that’s it. He says I’m pretty. That I’m worth a good, fulfilling, healthy relationship. But I get the sense that he doesn’t see himself as that guy (I mean, he’s dating someone else now and he had the chance to be more… so yeah, he’s just not into me). But that’s okay. Because I would hate for someone to hate me for not being into them (I am hardly into anyone. It’s really weird. I’m very careful with who I give my heart to).

    He’s never said: I AM NOT INTO YOU. But I know. For many reasons actually: He’s said I resemble a good friend to him. A beloved family member. He talks about other girls he is with when I’m around. He often cancels plans with me. He’s never made a move and he’s the type to make a move. He goes after what he wants.

    I want to be his friend, but how do I get over this “Oh, I think I like you” part? I have to see him on the regular and even now, when I am forcing myself to get over him, seeing him so much is just… Well, it hurts. A lot. I feel worthless. Not good enough. It’s very confusing and defeating. I know these are issues from within. I just don’t know how to handle myself. How do I grow self-love? How do I nurture it? How do I deal with my own power? My own feelings of helplessness or loss or awe of the everyday?

    I know beauty will fade. All that matters is connecting with others. Experiencing the now. Being mindful of the pre send moment. I would like to find a life partner that I love and cherish. And that sees me for me. That makes me happy, and that I make happy. I want to work on it. I want to continue to grow and love and walk an authentic, open life…

    But I’m not sure how to go about that. And until recently I was with people that just drowned their feelings with pills and booze.

    How do you live free and open and honestly? I know there isn’t just one way to live. I want to be better at this. I really do. Apologies for the above talk of looks and all that rubbish. Gah.

    September 18, 2014 at 5:00 am #65151
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi there,

    A long time ago, I was you! I worked as a model for like, five minutes, that’s how long this ethereal beauty lasts. I would get the creepy gazes. The nerve wracking cat calls. The praise. But, I’m an introvert, so it was, for them, like watching a rainbow or a sunset. Admiration but no connection.

    And then the maddening actually liking someone and they’re all, “Eh.” The paradox killed me!!

    This is what will happen: You will meet someone who will also be enchantingly beautiful, and also enchanting in his own shyness. And other people will comment on how gorgeous you look together. The guy you like/d will get his interest perked up by 1 – 10%. But it will be too little and too late for him.

    And, yes, you and your new partner’s looks will fade so you are one day merely cute or good looking. But you will look out at the world with the same starry wise eyes.

    Don’t you see? You are already free, open and honest. And it’s painful sometimes. You’re beautiful. You’re an introvert. Continue living with your nature and it will all work out.

    September 18, 2014 at 8:31 am #65155
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi there! Been lurking around these forums for a long time now and this is the first time I’ve felt motivated enough to register and respond to anything.
    You sound so much like me!! Just wondering how old you are…growing into and accepting ourselves is such a process. One that I think will probably last for the rest of my life. I just turned 30 and am only now realizing some of the things I have the power to change that have been holding me back for so long.
    What stands out to me about you…you sound like a really awesome person. I think a lot of other people see that, and that’s why they’re drawn to you. Maybe you don’t see it so much though. It’s hard, but – you’ve just got to be your own best friend. Love yourself like no one else does. That awkwardness that you talk about? Start seeing it as an endearing quality that makes you unique.
    About this guy you like…ugh, I hear ya. Sucks to have those rare feelings for someone and then realize that it’s not reciprocated so you’re just stuck with it. My advice…just do what feels good to you. Whether that involves him or not…if you want to hang with him, do so…just keep being yourself, and who knows what could happen. Who knows who you’ll meet in your life, who knows where it will take you, you know?
    I guess the point of this…you are in good company with your introverted awkwardness! Just try to not be so hard on yourself, one minute at a time. Try to sit with your uncomfortable feelings, and just feel them and then let them pass.

    September 18, 2014 at 9:25 am #65158
    cat dancing
    Participant

    Hi, dear lostandloving it! Wow what great responses your thoughtful question has prompted. I wish I had some sage wisdom to make it all click for you but I don’t. I can only point out what I’ve learned along my path. This part here, dear lost, flags me:

    “I want to be his friend, but how do I get over this “Oh, I think I like you” part? I have to see him on the regular and even now, when I am forcing myself to get over him, seeing him so much is just… Well, it hurts. A lot. I feel worthless. Not good enough. It’s very confusing and defeating…”

    Dear lost, you may “want to be his friend” but in trying to do so, you are re-wounding yourself! All of your inadequate feelings are reinforced with the “friendship.” It hurts you and of course it would! You are not expected to be so lofty and stalwart that would negate the very real feelings that you have. You are allowed to have your feelings! But you must also realize that in order to feel better, you must do things that LIFT YOU UP and MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD about yourself, not things that make you feel badly as you describe above. You may have to face the fact that for the moment anyway, you can’t “be friends” with this person because it is re-wounding you.

    Also you say: “I know these are issues from within. I just don’t know how to handle myself. How do I grow self-love? How do I nurture it? How do I deal with my own power? My own feelings of helplessness or loss or awe of the everyday?”

    To me this is really brilliant! You are aware and cognizant that something has to change so you can really soar! You are aware that you do have intrinsic power and that it SHOULD NOT be dependent on other’s opinions/attitudes/acceptance/validation, etc. of you. As you wrote above, and the other members echoed, physical beauty is fleeting. It does not define us (though I’d be foolish to ignore the fact that possessing physical beauty is considered an asset and is quite revered in society). What ends up mattering in terms of living an authentic life is being true to your nature and understanding that all else springs from that. For me, dealing with my own feelings of helplessness and/or loss is to accept those feelings and then let them go. Feel the feelings and let them go, as pointed out above. It’s all temporary, and when I let those negative feelings go I force myself to shift to something positive that lifts me up. In another thread I wrote about starting a gratitude journal. Corney though it sounds, it really worked for me. When I decided to do it my rule was that I had to write just ONE THING that I was grateful for in it every day (that’s how lousy I was feeling). Some days I wrote ‘my cat’ or ‘my sister’ or ‘a hot shower.’ Some days I repeated the same thing. But soon enough one thing became three, which became five and then 10 and before long things to be grateful for were just rolling in front of me! It really lifted me up and shifted my mood, which showed to the world at work and in life, and to which people reacted positively, which lifted me up more, etc. etc. I think you can get the drift. Today I enjoy a centered-ness that I hadn’t known before, all from trying to embrace what’s good and what makes me FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF and let the rest go.

    I hope this helps you some, dear lostandlovinit.

    Love,
    catdancing

    September 21, 2014 at 1:58 pm #65320
    Marie
    Participant

    Thank you so much for these responses. They really helped me at a time when I was kind of drowning.

    (I know, it’s only been a few days, but I was scared to reach out to anyone about this because I was so in my head. There was even a point where I thought I should delete the post or make it private because it seemed like such an absurd question. A sign of weakness. What have you. And that goes for all the postings I made in the last few days.)

    It’s definitely been hard trying to figure everything out with a recent break-up and wading through unwanted and wanted attention and growing pains/figuring stuff out, but I just wanted to let you know that your feedback has profoundly made a difference.

    Again, much gratitude.

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