Dear Ellydj:

The notes you found in his wallet had details of your abortion, not of your affair. Maybe he didn’t know about your affair, only about the abortion?

anita

Dear Ellydj:

“I told him hundreds of times a day how much I loved him but couldn’t bring myself to admit what I had done”- if I was you, in your situation at the time, following having an affair that ended, and intending to not resume that affair or start another,  I would not try to tell my husband what I did, so not to hurt him. I would make sure that I don’t tell him. It would have been cruel to tell him.

I noticed in your two posts that you  didn’t bring up the reasons you had an affair, didn’t try to deflect responsibility by stating things like you having been lonely at the time, or depressed and needing a pick up from outside your marriage. You stated the facts as they were and are. This in itself is an admirable quality of yours, as expressed here.

You found the details of your abortion in his wallet and you were surprised because you thought the details were confidential. Why not call the abortion clinic and find out more, maybe there is information available to you that will help you figure out what you want to understand now.

Your husband was ill (“already in poor”) when your affair started and he continued to be unwell during and after the affair. There was little to no sexual interactions between you and him (“It would have been highly unlikely to be pregnant by my husband”).

If at one point on during your affair he knew about it (and again, you may have information available to you in this regard if you look for it), and said nothing to you, there are a few possibilities:

– maybe it didn’t hurt him that much that you had the affair. If a person hurt a whole lot, usually they will say something, at one point or another, blurt it  out. But he didn’t. Maybe his attention was on his physical pain and illness, not much on your affair.

– maybe, just maybe he was okay with it, figuring being ill he can’t give you what you need.

I imagine it did hurt him some though, but maybe it was not his main focus.

I wonder as I type, why he had your abortion details in his wallet and why he didn’t throw away those details. What was his motivation when he obtained those details. When you  had your abortion, were you alone or was the man you had the affair with, was he there with you?

anita

Ellydj

I can empathize with you about this burden of got. I would think that after a while you can come to realize that the the past is the past. You cannot change it. Aren’t you tired of beating yourself up? Don’t you want to move on? There are meditations of self forgiveness. Start with that as a practice. Get out of yourself and go help others. Turn this guilt into something positive in helping the world.

Mark