You’ve done well in identifying so clearly the thought patterns that you are having and your response to such feelings.

When reading your post I also had the thought that you are worrying about whether your partner compares you to people he hooked up with in the past. Your words convey that in fact it is you are comparing yourself to these people (you don’t even know whether he does, whether he would take on board any thoughts from it if he did so, and if he does on the odd occasion- the nature of the comparison). Perhaps a part of your journey could be to work on identifying for yourself the ‘beauty’ that you hold at an internal and external level- I’m very sure there you carry an enormous amount of beauty- for a start, your post suggests that you value being present in a relationship- you might agree with me that this is a beautiful aim to hold.

Become aware of when you are comparing yourself to these people from his past might also be useful- come up with a way to have a laugh about it if you can. If I remember correctly from ideas from the ACT training approach (Acceptance and Commitment Training), one suggestion for working on ruminative thoughts is to come up with a way to have a laugh about it, e.g. you could say ‘I’m comparing myself again’ in a ridiculously strange voice. It’s not meant to be flippant on the worries, but is a way to help work through the habit of going over and over something.

I guess the reality is that relationships always carry a suite of uncertainties. The risks that we take in the face of these uncertainties are our own choices to make, and these choices (whichever we decide upon) are our own to embrace.

Best wishes

Hi Claire,

This is quite a tough situation that you are in. I myself felt the same way about my ex girlfriend whom I met in 1st year university 4 years ago. I was coming from never having been intimate with anybody that much, and she had lost her virginity at 16 to an asshole she dated through highschool, who cheated on her once and was generally not very good of a person. I was mad at her, that she let herself be used and I was mad at her for so easily giving herself up to some idiot. I was extremely unhappy with our relationship at the time because of her past.

However, at the time, she also was so in love with me and was crazy about me, willing to do anything to stay with me and always reminding me how sorry she is about her past and how much she valued me, Just like your partner seems to be feeling. This is not exactly the same situation, but I can relate a little bit here.

Anyway, in time, we shared more and more memories together and I forgave her for her past, both to her, and more importantly : within myself. That is, I allowed myself to accept that the present reality was that this girl was with me and she loved me dearly.

Clare, I believe that you should accept within yourself your own present reality too. He is yours, other women can only stare in jealousy when they see you two so happy with each other. You have so much in the relationship (as you have described), if you get these negative feelings, don’t bottle them up. Allow yourself to explain them to your partner, and allow him the chance to reassure you of his love for you.

Forgiveness is power, the power to let go of the past, and move on with your bright future :). It is not easy to forgive, but it is worth it. Also, and most importantly Clare: slowly but surely forgive yourself for feeling guilty about this situation. You cannot let this consume you, and do not keep blaming yourself for all this.

Have confidence in yourself, and love yourself. I will tell you now, that if you become majorly dependent on your partner for happiness and feelings of self worth, then you will fall hard one day and things will not end well for you. But if you take time everyday to train your mind to think positively about yourself, then you will not have this problem.

These feelings that youre not good enough ultimately come from personal insecurity in my opinion (which I still have myself in some ways). So now that we’ve rooted out this key problem, we can easily focus our energy into solving it!

So again, be confident in yourself and start to accept the truth: the truth by the way is that (there is probably even more but I don’t know you personally so I cant say more, but you can!) you are a loyal, respectful and beautiful person who believes in self respect and dignity. Learn to remember the amazing truths about yourself.

I believe that if your hearts are in the right place, then you two can easily work this out :).

Forgive, and have unbreakable confidence in yourself Clare! It won’t happen overnight, but when you attain these, then they will last a lifetime.

Sincerely,

Singh

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by SIngh.

The good news is you will only spend more and more time with him. If he was indeed a serial monogamist, one day, you will easily fly by the “two year mark” or however long his longest relationship was. Then you will fly by the “decade mark”, and have a good laugh. Of course everyone in his past was gorgeous ~ they were all twenty year old kids at the time! LOL.

Grown ups fall in love with depth and soul, which illuminate the beloved from within. It sounds like he is a grown up now. So you have nothing to worry about!