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Trying to heal up

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  • #58414
    Flinn
    Participant

    This post may be more to let me write things out and sort out my thoughts than anything, though any words someone would care to offer is certainly appreciated.

    Last year, after spending a pretty long time on my own, a friend expressed an interest in me and we soon got together. It felt really good for both of us, even though there were a number of things that would be difficult, which we knew going in. She had a few kids, but that was fine with me; they all really liked me and I grew to care for them a great deal. Time was the main factor, there would always be limited time for us. I was ok with that, I was in no rush and the time I got to be with her was more than enough to make me happy, even when it was just little stolen moments. She had other issues stemming from her past that were a factor, too. A thyroid that could affect her moods, sometimes drastically, a number of trust issues and things like that. She would always refer to herself as “crazy”, but she was a very thoughtful and caring person (and still is), just buried under stress and pain and dealing with the kids’ father, who did help out, but most of the strain was on her 24/7.

    Over time, it became harder for her to express her affection. Though she loved me, the relationship was another thing to cause her stress. I did my best to always be patient and understanding but even so, I felt her drifting farther away from me. Sometimes her mood would be warm and affectionate, sexually active and other days it would be all I could do to get a reply from her. (Again, I understood four children kept her very, very busy, they came first and I was more than cool with that.) About six months in, I could see, though I denied it at the time, that the end was coming. She just couldn’t do it anymore. She didn’t want me to be with anyone else, but knew she couldn’t be with me either and it all finally fell apart.

    I loved her deeply and came to see that over the months, virtually all of my feelings of self worth were based on her moods. If she was happy, I was happy, if she was short or cold to me, I was a wreck. I stopped living for myself and lived on whatever I could get from her. We have since remained friends, though I know many would advise against this and it has certainly caused me pain as our lives continue on and do not intersect in the same ways anymore. Her life keeps her busy and though I know she regretted the end of things, I definitely had a lot more time to stew about it and lapsed into depression.

    My healing has been made extra hard because even though we’re not as close as we were, she will still keep in touch with me and it’s rare for me to go a day without hearing from her one way or another and even if I’m hurting, I will answer kindly and not rehash our relationship or flirt in an effort to get anything. I just try to keep things light and not clingy, because I do want her to be a friend in my life, even though it’s tough right now. I based all my importance off her and knew I had to live for myself again, love myself again. We share many of the same friends and the loss of being in her close confidence would cause me to get jealous if she were talking to others. I would imagine I was being excluded, though I recognize nothing of that is personal and against me. (Though try getting your head to tell that to your feelings sometimes.) Of course, my biggest fear is that she’ll end up with someone else, but as she has even told me, she can’t maintain a relationship for all the same reasons that finished us off. Though I have made some good progress with my healing and trying to get over things, some days are just bad. I’ll cry for no real reason, I’ll become jealous if she’s out with other friends, not because of a possessiveness, just from really missing being the one she used to want to hang out with all the time. I feel left behind and very unimportant. I understand the relationship is over and I really am better off. Looking back, I can see how much worry and stress I was in, too, despite always saying everything was ok. I feel like I won’t meet anyone else, even though my efforts to heal have taught me, yes, I will and I will get through this, but it can’t come fast enough. I love her, I always will and I loved the kids. I saw a whole future as a family, so to lose that was pretty crushing to me. I realized in my heart that sort of thing is truly what I want.

    Anyway, I’m just trying my best not to feel lonely or take her living her life as happily as she can as some personal effort to make me feel bad. I have good friends and family that have helped me, I just really want to get back to being a whole person on my own again, where I determine how I feel about me and it’s not wrapped up in another person. I very much want to love again. I think perhaps I was more in love with the idea of her than the actual her. We always romanticize the past, right?

    Thanks for letting me get some thoughts off my chest, folks. It probably sounds like I’ve still got it pretty bad for this girl and maybe I do, but I hope it also seems like I’m making my way through this by recognizing and addressing a lot of important stuff. I’ll find the one for me. But damn, does it still hurt pretty bad right now.

    #58417
    sojourner
    Participant

    Dear Flinn,
    Heart felt empathy. If it helps at all, we can substitute “him” for “her” in your text (minus the kid factor) because you have expressed so many of the things I have felt over the past 7 months since breaking up with my guy.
    About the only thing I can suggest is that you are on the right path, it will just take courage and strength to stay the course. It sounds like you know what’s best for you regarding the woman you love (just because you can’t be together, for whatever reason, doesn’t mean that love isn’t present). My therapist told me it will take as long as it takes…weeks, months, even years. I’m exactly in the same boat too with respect to looking for or being open to new love.

    Hang in there, listen to your soul, you’ve come so far already. And know that you are not alone. I will hold you in my prayers. I think this is some of the hardest stuff we as people go through.

    Sojourner

    #58421
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Flinn,

    Honestly as hard as unrequited love is, you are getting by well given the situation. Being so in touch. I do not have quick answers for you. As Sojourner says hang in there. You may need space at some point. It might make sense to try it out – maybe a trip. What do you think?

    Big blue

    #58435
    Flinn
    Participant

    Thanks for the kind words, folks, they really do help. A trip would be great. I can’t take one now, but I’ll definitely see what I can do about that in the not too distant future. It would certainly help remind me there’s a big world out there and get a little perspective.

    #58441
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks everyone.

    Hi Flinn

    Thanks for your post and for being so large and kind hearted. May you get the strength to move on past all of this in the very near future and truly enjoy life as how Flinn is meant to.

    Loads of positive energy coming your way,

    Jasmine

    #58445
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hey Finn,

    That you thought about a trip was the first step! 🙂

    Another thought for travel – mental and emotional – books are mentioned to help, and here is some music, take a listen:

    I was once
    Tied at the root
    Confined with twine
    Both mind and foot
    I cut it loose
    And now am free
    As anything
    Alive can be

    Unbound,
    Suzzane Vega

    Folks do you have songs that help with your personal development?

    Sometimes I put a song like this on repeat and let it get into me. Feeding the subconscious. They say a lot of our behavior comes from there.

    Big blue

    #58448
    Flinn
    Participant

    I’m very glad I decided to post here today, the words of support have really been nice. I love those lyrics, as well, it certainly lets me see just how free I am to be whatever I want. The hurt will heal, I will hang on.

    #58452
    sojourner
    Participant

    You can do this! I have found these forums to be very helpful and supportive too…stay in touch.

    #58474
    Flinn
    Participant

    I find what I’ve really been struggling with the last little while is the much lower level of talking between me and her. I know that’s a good thing, but even so, I know how addicted I was (am) to hearing from her. As I said, all my feelings of importance got tied up with her pretty bad. I used to be the guy she ran to if she had anything to vent or talk about. I’m trying not to take the fact that she doesn’t anymore personally. She keeps things pretty private as it is and lives with her best friend, so not being her boyfriend anymore, even with that old connection, I’m not #1 on the list anymore.

    I feel like if I can get past this addictive need to hear from her, I’d be doing way better overall. I’ve gotten better at not finding reasons to message her and as I said, she will still include me in group snapchat messages and the like. So while she is including me in those like she would the rest of her friends, my addiction keeps wanting more messages but just special ones for me, like it used to be. I haven’t asked her to stop those messages though as we’re in some of the same hobby groups and some actually are relative to my interests and others are of her and the kids, and even though that twinges my heart a little, it does make me smile to see them. These messages tell me, yes, she still wants me in her life, just not like it was before.

    I accept that, but I have to find ways to get past the addiction and find new things to occupy my attention. I can lose myself in my art for a bit, but my mind is always tugging me back. I imagine it’s just like getting off drugs! I want to branch out into other things to fulfill my life, I’m just at a loss how to go about it, I guess.

    #58512
    Bellalady
    Participant

    Flinn, you articulated your struggle very well. I know this is an awful thing to say but it’s kind of comforting to know that someone else struggles with similar issues and I’m not crazy or abnormal. One of the crazy things I did to try to get past my “addiction” of communicating with the guy in my life was make a daily chart. I thought if I could go a week without trying to communicate with him, that everything would be much easier. There were certain times of the day when I was less busy and would always talk to him. I forced myself to keep myself occupied during those times and I would check off the hours that I had succeeded in not communicating with him. My friend saw the chart and made me tear it up. 🙂 She said.. that’s crazy and a week is not going to make your feelings for him just go away. She asked why I was punishing myself. I obviously wanted to talk to him so why was I punishing myself by not talking to him. He does want me in his life and he can’t imagine me not being there, it’s just that he can’t be with me now. (that part is too complicated to explain). My friend’s advise and the advise I’m trying at the moment is… I am still talking with him and enjoying his friendship (and yes i get jealous at EVERYTHING – it’s ridiculous and I know it) but at the same time, I am leaving myself open to running into the right person that I enjoy being with and can actually be with me too.

    #58517
    Flinn
    Participant

    My heart goes out out to you, sounds like we both know the same pain pretty well! It’s tough when your brain tells you one thing and your heart wants to go the other way. I just keep trying to tell myself that I’m strong and deserving of love and I’m gonna be ok with or without her. I find it helpful to say these things out loud, it really works to hear it! Healing is certainly a process and even though every little thing is painful and some days are rough, I’m sure we’ll both get clear of it and someday look back from a place of happiness. I think it’s really important when we feel jealous and rejected to remind ourselves it’s not like the other person is setting out to make us feel bad, they’re living their lives and doing their own thing. The hurt comes in when it’s not doing it with US anymore, but we’re just as important and worth of love so hang in there. I will, too!

    #58529
    Matt
    Participant

    Flinn,

    Beautifully said, brother. The thought of bodhicitta came to heart as I read your words. When we get fed up with our side of an afflictive cycle, we can turn away from it, and as it erodes, make plenty of space to let it go (as we bumble our way onward.) Namaste.

    Consider Pema Chodron’s talk about bodhicitta. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DafQYGo3Zkc

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #58561
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Everyone.

    Hey Flinn

    You have already started on your healing process as you have been able to accept your situation for what it is worth. Many a times, we are not able to move forward in a positive way as we do not know what the issue is. Our minds fool us and keep us stuck in the rut.

    However, with acceptance comes a realisation that how special you are as a bloke or as an earthling. There is no other Flinn in this world, which means, you are as unique as it gets and will continue to do so until you leave the body. This leads us to the path of self love and nurture. We start looking after our well being and ME becomes a priority over everything else. Some may call it is a self centred or selfish way of existence but it is the only way to exist in this world peacefully and yet move forward with the Universe. When you are able to love yourself and be YOU, you forgive yourself for all the pain or mistakes that you may have indulged in out of ignorance or arrogance. With self forgiveness comes the compassion and immense love for everything and everyone on this planet. It becomes effortless to accept everyone as they are and love others unconditionally (complete with their strengths or flaws). We are all one and same and striving for same things – love, forgiveness and acceptance. With these things, comes the eventual realisation – Nothing is permanent except for CHANGE. The person who is able to move forward by cultivating positive changes achieves a state of inner bliss and peace and life feels AWESOME today and always !!!

    Heres to an awesome Flinn and everyone else 🙂

    Jasmine

    #58602
    Flinn
    Participant

    Thanks, folks. This is really a supportive community on here. Still working hard on breaking the addiction, trying to keep my mind from constantly wandering to her. The ball of anxiety in my stomach is always there when I wake up everyday, it’s very tiring. I’ve tried quite a few relaxation and meditation techniques with a little success, but it always creeps back in. I do find listening to things like the above youtube link brings me some peace, so I will keep listening to those and keep trying to move onward.

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