I know you’re right its just a painful truth to swallow.

Heya Anita,

We were just friends on the understanding that there was a romantic connection between us. He ended things citing mental health issues. “I need a friend right now.” is what he said. It felt a bit impulsive – we were getting along well.

I didn’t want things to end but eventually agreed to be friends as there was a friendship there- and he does truly struggle with emotional problems.

I was clear that I still had feelings for him – our relationship status as this point was actually ambiguous. Soon after he apologized for ending things and kept saying how much he enjoyed my company, laid on with compliments, was flirtatious. When we were out people thought we were dating.

Regardless of that: we’re both in the non-monogamy camp, which is where this story gets interesting.

He dumped his long term partner (with whom the relationship sounds troubled to say the least – the end was a long time coming) to be with this new woman. (whose fresh out a long-term monogamous relationship, and apparently they already argue a lot.)

So yeah, there was one point where we had what I thought to be an honest heart-to-heart; he explained he’d ended his relationship and I said I was checking myself into therapy to deal with a long-term unrequited love for a friend of mine.  This would have been a good time to tell me he was seeing someone else, he had no reason not to.

After he started seeing this new person he stopped communicating with me (not even opening my text messages) which really frustrated me – I thought we were good and I didn’t understand why he was backing off all of a sudden. Eventually this culminated into an argument over text message, I felt frustrated because he wasn’t even opening my text messages…for days and days. I didn’t understand why he’d basically just cut me off.

When we argued first off he claimed I had been putting pressure on him, which was why he backed off. (Although, I only started to put pressure on him after over a week of feeling totally disconnected and not knowing what was going on. The specific incidents he cited are all things I did in response to feeling cut off, feeling anxious and wanting to communicate with him about what was going on.) We talked that through, and after we sorted that problem out he decided to crack out the “I’m seeing someone else” card.  The timing of his backing off actually coincided with dating the new person.

He said he didn’t want to hurt me by telling me he was seeing someone else. He shifted between denying he knew I had feelings and then later admitting it. My perception is that he is indecisive and would prefer to leave his options open, which is why he did not tell me. By his own admission he’s a mess in relationships and has frequently ambiguous platonic/romantic ties with women.

He admits to being afraid of getting close to people but also lonely, he’s just a bag of personal issues.

I thought we got along well and had a lot to give each other. I am patient, willing to to do the give and take, willing to communicate, I’m aware I’ve got issues but I own them.

Until the very end he had nice things to say about me – now he tells me my “friendship wasn’t very friendly” – which isn’t true, I was always kind to him and didn’t try to hide my feelings for him. He accused me of having ‘false presences’ but that just isn’t true as I was clear I had feelings for him – he went with it as well.

In some ways I regret not listening to the inner voice telling me he was trouble when we first met, as now I’m stuck with this heartbreak and feel pretty stung that he’s seeing someone else.

Thanks,

Feathering my nest.

Heya Anita,

Yes you understood mostly correctly, although it was I who was dumped first.

I was dumped, then woman #3’s relationship broke down, then he ended it with woman #1, now he’s with woman number 3.

“He accused you of false pretenses. Your response to that accusation is, “but that just isn’t true as I was clear I had feelings for him- he went with it as well”-….

….meaning you expected him to figure out that because the two of you had unexpected, monogamous like feelings, that he would pack the two of you to the monogamy camp-“

I’m not sure what you mean by this – I expected him to tell me if he was seeing someone else. We talked openly of our relationships the entire time we knew each other – why should that change?

It does seem like he’s shifted into the monogamous camp.

Cheers!