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November 11, 2018 at 12:32 pm #236429
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
The problem with my ex and I is that I was becoming increasingly unhappy and so was he. Silly fights would crop up for one reason and one reason alone- he was holding back. I tried for a few years to be patient and not let my anger and frustration get the better of me, but it did hurt when I felt as though I was the one making 70 per cent effort and then he NEVER wanted any conflict ever (unrealistic) so if there was a fight, he would be extremely unhappy.
So I was unhappy not getting enough from him and he was unhappy constantly feeling like the bad guy and that he was constantly disappointing me. But I wasn’t pushing ahead because of a timeline or because I personally had goals. I pushed ahead because I was mad about him and just got so excited about a future with him. He got scared and instead of trying to figure out exactly what he wanted, he bailed. So in a way, I know why it didn’t work but I feel he COULD have been happy with me if he got over his fear. But this is the most difficult part of the process for me….acceptance. Particularly that I can’t change or control what someone else decides.
In terms of reconciling, I remember the first time we met each other. We had ZERO contact for months and my stomach was inside out on the car journey to see him. But I knew I wanted to get back together with him. So I took all the online advice and tried to ‘be the best me’ in the months we were apart. I thought I had done that, but in hindsight, maybe that’s why I’m learning this lesson through break up again- I obviously didn’t make my myself whole while we were apart before, because I’m lost without him now. And my life doesn’t feel whole.
Its absolutely natural to be anxious about reconciling. You have been through extraordinary pain and your brain doesn’t forget. It will send warning signals such as anxiety to ensure it doesn’t experience that pain again. Naturally you’re afraid. You may have pain either route you take. Anxiety comes from the fear of that pain I’m guessing, but the only way to kick anxiety’s ass is to face the fear. Once you do, confidence grows, fear shrinks. Other people’s opinions can cause anxiety too though, I found it was easiest to break it to people in dribs and drabs, the most understanding people first. When we reunited the last time, there was a major family loss at the time so to be honest, everyone’s minds were elsewhere and I think they were happy I had someone to comfort me at the time.
I never thought I’d actually be welcoming the approach of a Monday morning!
November 12, 2018 at 2:37 am #236463
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
That does make sense. May I ask what is it you wanted from him in terms of future? Is it living together? Moving away together? Marriage? Children? Etc. And what was his response to those ideas of a future?
So I was unhappy not getting enough from him and he was unhappy constantly feeling like the bad guy and that he was constantly disappointing me. This resonates with me so much! I know this feeling all too well. My ex is the same. It is like he wants the same but in certain aspects he is just unable to give me the ‘more’ that I am asking for!
I suppose your family and friends always want what’s best for you yes but nonetheless I do think they’ll be rather bitter if we did reconcile as they witnessed me go through one of the toughest moments in my life. They cried with me through it all so I believe they’ll think i’m a fool for even considering it! Of course, no one knows the relationship like the two people in it so many wont understand why the need for reconciliation. Anyway, nothing is set in stone as I have not yet made any decisions – it is just nice to get an insight.
How are you feeling this morning?
November 12, 2018 at 4:18 am #236473ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Yes basically I wanted marriage and children. But that wasn’t something I wanted in general, as some women do, it was only a realisation I came to when I fell in love with my ex- it was specific to him, I thought we’d have a happy life together. He told me he saw his future with me, but when push came to shove, he felt it was all to much responsibility and he ‘wasn’t cut out for it’. Despite me feeling deep deep down, with my gut instinct, that he did want the same things as me, but fear of what it meant made him bail out.
He would have made an incredible Dad but he feels he’s meant to live a life on his own. He did at times imagine what a future with me would look like, he told me things he imagined about our child or our house etc, but at the same time, he admitted he got scared at the thought of it too and if didn’t work out etc.
In the end, I believe his fear controlled his fate. Many others might read this and say, that girl is fooling herself – he wasn’t into her enough- and that may be the case, but one trait of highly sensitive people- such as me- and trust me, I don’t like being a HSP, is empathy, our intuition is acute. I felt it, I felt he deep deep down needs to be fulfilled in that way, but is unable to address that aspect of himself at this point in his life. That’s why I suspect it’s going to crop up for him one day down the road again.
My family cried with me the first time round too, my Dad actually had to take me to the GP at the time when I basically went off the rails and he still adapted pretty quickly when we reunited and got on board. They just wanted me to be happy and they saw I was happy when we reunited so they backed off.
I had an unsettled sleep again last night, my tummy was like a washing machine and just felt anxious. I did all my meditation etc so I don’t know why my sleep is getting particularly bad now, in the beginning – my sleep patterns weren’t too bad, seems to be getting worse as time goes on.
Ive been in a marathon meeting all morning so that’s keeping me distracted. Looking forward to a therapy session later which I can really do with now. Hopefully it will help shed some light on how I’m feeling.
How was your night?
November 12, 2018 at 4:53 am #236479KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Ah okay that makes sense now. I suppose when you do find ‘the one’ you do eventually want these things. It is a real shame that he wasn’t able to keep us as I do believe it’ll catch up with him eventually. Realistically, any woman he finds himself in the future will want these things also – not many don’t.
My ex on the other hand is adamant that he does want those things but just not yet, or anytime soon for that matter. I suppose that is all to do with age on our end – we are in our mid twenties and he is a year and 2 months younger than me. I never really paid attention to this but it has become apparent as we progressed in the relationship. After our 3 year relationship I naturally want to progress whereas he ‘has all the time in the world’ to do so.
Now, this is not to say that I want a baby and marriage right this second. But nonetheless I do want it to be a part of my future and I worry with him that I will waste my time. I told him it is almost like going in blindfolded hoping that he will stick to his word and make it happen, one day, with no real indication of when. I don’t know if it is just my crazy idea of the world but in my mind I thought we’d first move in together a few years into our relationship, we would then eventually get engaged, married and have children (further down the line). As it stands, he will not even consider a move with me right now because of his financial responsibilities at home. As a result, I am having to do this part completely on my own shortly. My family are moving abroad in June/July and I will be having to move out of my family home to start a life on my own in this country. My sister will be heading off to live in Korea with her partner and I will be left completely on my own and essentially unable to rely on him to ‘build a life with me’ because he is too tied in with his own family.
All of our mutual friends (couples) who got together way after us are starting to somewhat progress. Many are planning move’s in together in the oncoming months etc, some are engaged others are having children and yet our relationship has been at a standstill.
Do you think your sleep is affected because of the anxiety? Maybe try some light exercise right before bed to tire yourself out! I love a gym session prior to bed, it gives me a really good sleep!
I’m glad your therapist is back now! You seem to be doing really well with these sessions, i’m hoping mine will go just as well!
My night was okay although I kept waking up in pain. Today,as usual I am just getting by.
November 12, 2018 at 5:22 am #236483ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Your situation with your ex is somewhat resonating with me. My ex originally used to say we both wanted the same things but just different paths to get there. So I thought we were good and as long as we wanted the same things, it would work out, even if not in the exact way I had planned- which by the way is almost identical to you. I thought, move in together, engaged, baby etc. As time passes, not all in one go. I am in the family home too and he lives with his parents and is tied to there substantially. So when I pressed him for more definite plans about our future, then the cracks started to show.
The difference for me is that my ex is at the age when a man would usually have come to the conclusion of settling down. Therapist says the realisation doesn’t normally happen men until 30 or so. To be honest, I would definitely have gone on for years more as we were, albeit not exactly what I wanted, if I had the time. But I’m approaching 36 so it was taken out of my hands in terms of a timeline. Realistically I’m not ready for that stuff myself yet- I’m pretty young at heart and haven’t settled into ‘adulthood’ yet! But time is against me I’m afraid. Something I have no control over.
I genuinely think it’s probably not uncommon that a guy of your ex’s age is not ready to concrete the plans yet. However, I see the dilemma for you, you’re basically hanging on, hoping he’ll still feel the same down the road. Essentially ye are at two different speeds. And when you want something sooner or efforts to begin in that general direction, it can be very hard to avoid resentment and frustration. Apparently we should never be in relationships where someone is two steps ahead of you or two steps behind you, they should be walking along beside you….or something like that! But as you know by now, rationale disappears when it comes to the heart, I’d still take my ex back in the morning!
I’m actually going to try and make the pool tonight and not just talk about it! Fingers crossed.
When you wake up with pain, do you mean physical or emotional? It will be a lot for you when your family leaves because its huge change and your support network will be farther away. So I really hope the therapy helps you from now on and gives you some tools to help you be strong and resilient.
November 12, 2018 at 6:07 am #236495KkasxoParticipantShelby, honestly were we dating the same man?!
I 100% agree on not being ready yet. BUT I do still want those things in the future, I am sure of that. In all of our conversations it is clear that we are on different timelines as I would say for e.g I think it would be pretty normal for us to be living together at this stage (over three years together), it most definitely would be appropriate for us to be engaged in the next 2/3/4 years as we would’ve been together around 6/7 years.
I don’t want to rush these things at all but what I do want is some kind of progress. The relationship has to move forward somehow. If I am honest, I did believe that my family moving away would urge him to step up and say okay you’re being left on your own, i’m your partner, we’ve been together long enough, lets make this next step! No, instead I get the, i’ll come and view flats with you! I’ll buy you a few bits for your new place! But a complete no go about us looking for OUR place together.
I’m very anxious about my family leaving the country. Not only because I’ve got to take this next step on my own but also because I wont get to pop to my mums for a cuppa when I’m having a bad day! She’ll be a flight away! It is terrifying. And even more reason why I relied on him I guess.. he will be all I have left here in a sense.
Many of my friends advised that what he is doing is quite normal in this day and age especially taking into consideration the fact that he is so keen on having a mortgage and would never ever choose to rent. Naturally, getting a mortgage in this day and age takes a lot of time – hence his timeline being so behind mine. Which I understand, but I guess it just comes down to us having a different idea of life. I for one said I wouldn’t want to get a mortgage with him having never lived with him in the first place. It makes no sense. What if it doesn’t work out and then we have to go through solicitors etc to get our shares ?! How do you expect me to help you save for a mortgage when I have to pay full rent etc all by myself because you wont move in with me to make any of it easier? I would’ve much rather rented for a little while, still saved but enjoyed our time together in our rented apartment where we didn’t have to worry if anything breaks because the landlord will fix it! And then eventually when we get to a stage where we can afford a mortgage we can move towards that step! But I cant put my life on hold and live at home forever because he wants a mortgage – unfortunately I don’t have that choice! That’s another reason why I thought he would step up. I thought he’d appreciate the fact that had I had the option perhaps I would’ve held out a bit longer, but I simply do not. I have to move and that’s that.
I genuinely believe he is the ‘never ready’ type of man and will end up just like your ex well into this thirties or even later in life. Even though he says he wants all these things I can picture him aged 35 still unable to settle down, still living at home with his mother, still financing his families life, a lonely sad man. I really can picture it.
One of his aunties is in her late fifties and all on her own, never married, no children etc. She spent something like 12 years of her life happily involved with a man who promised her the world but always had ‘all the time in the world’. Eventually it was too late for her to have children and he still wasn’t getting any closer to making their relationship progress into marriage or even having a home to call their own. She eventually left him for those reasons. I often compare my ex to this man and I’ve told him that reconciling with him is like going into something blindfolded with the knowledge that I will end up like his auntie – he didn’t like it but I feel it’s the truth.
Physical pain – that time of the month unfortunately! Absolutely ruined my plans as I really wanted to go and have a great session at the gym today! I may just settle for a light home workout instead! I’m glad to hear you want to go for a swim tonight! This may tire you out and in turn help you have a good sleep! 🙂
November 12, 2018 at 6:18 am #236501
ValoraParticipantIn the end, I believe his fear controlled his fate. Many others might read this and say, that girl is fooling herself – he wasn’t into her enough- and that may be the case, but one trait of highly sensitive people- such as me- and trust me, I don’t like being a HSP, is empathy, our intuition is acute. I felt it, I felt he deep deep down needs to be fulfilled in that way, but is unable to address that aspect of himself at this point in his life. That’s why I suspect it’s going to crop up for him one day down the road again.
I just want to jump in here to say that I don’t think you’re fooling yourself. I’m highly sensitive/intuitive, too, and I felt my ex had the same problem. We had a really close bond and connection but then both physical and emotional pain (from personal issues that had nothing to do with me or our relationship) started to weigh him down heavily, and he changed. He went from confident to not so confident, from treating me like a queen to losing his temper over little thingss. Our breakup didn’t make sense to me because I was very understanding of what was making him act that way (he had a LOT going on), but I think he ultimately was afraid that I would get tired of it and leave, so I really think, to spare himself from that, he detached and left me first. Even after we broke up, though, he kept telling me how I was still all he ever thought about and it was too much and he wished he felt like he deserved me but he just doesn’t. So I do think people can get to a point where their fears and insecurities guide them into doing things that their hearts don’t actually want them to do. However, I’ve definitely learned, too, that there isn’t anything we can do about that. It’s a shame, but all we can do is do our best to move forward.
November 12, 2018 at 11:23 am #236539ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Honestly it’s scary how alike our situations are in some ways. My ex was not enthusiastic about living together at all, I always got the sense that he felt his next move would be in to his own home and he wouldn’t waste money renting in a crappy apartment somewhere. He always planned on having his own place I think but didn’t adapt his plans when he met me and when I started to suggest alternative future plans than what he had in mind, it irked him and he couldn’t change. In fairness we had a couple of deep deep conversations a while back and he admitted just not sure when he’d be ready and I said I’d wait and I’m in it as his team mate, thinking I could manage it, but despite my best efforts, my frustration kept seeping out. It’s hard to drive a car with the handbrake on.
It is completely reasonable to expect you would be living with your partner after 3 years. Genuinely, it is. A lot of people live together after one year now! It would not make sense to me for you to find a place to rent when your family moves away, when you could move in with your ex. I was exactly the same, I wasn’t going to move into a house my ex bought or built without living with him first to see if we could live together. You really don’t know someone until you live with them.
Valora,
I know you’re right. I just can’t get that to sink in that I must accept it and move on and that he won’t change. I think it’s about control, I have an issue with. I can’t understand how I can’t fix something. Probably naïveté on my part too.
Thanks so much for the advice.
November 12, 2018 at 11:57 am #236541ValoraParticipantValora,
I know you’re right. I just can’t get that to sink in that I must accept it and move on and that he won’t change. I think it’s about control, I have an issue with. I can’t understand how I can’t fix something. Probably naïveté on my part too.
I do think it’s possible for them to change, though. It’s just going to take work on their part and we really have no way of knowing whether they’ll actually do it. I found out a few months ago my ex is going to counseling, so that’s definitely a step in the right direction for him. We just have to be sure not to put our lives on hold waiting for anything to change or even waiting for them to come back (as in my case, I don’t know as if he ever will), so that’s where the moving forward comes in to play. It’s just about remaining open to other possibilities with other people once we feel ready for that (in our own time). I still like to believe that if it’s meant to be, our paths will cross again, whenever the timing is more right. If that happens, even if I’ve completely let go and moved forward, the feelings will come back. And if our paths don’t cross, well I wouldn’t want to be with someone I’m not supposed to be with anyway, right? It’s just kind of about having faith that I’ll find the FEELING that I want again in someone, whether it’s a reconciliation with my ex once we’ve both done our growing or whether it’s with someone entirely new. Either way, the old relationship has to be let go of entirely because that’s in the past now. I think the same probably would apply for you, too.
I had an issue with control too, though. I always wanted to know what was going to happen and when, to the point that I would always read spoilers to movies and TV shows just because I like to know. But life doesn’t give us spoilers, so I had to learn to just go with the flow. I still struggle with it sometimes and that’s when I start feeling anxious, but it feels a lot less stressful and a lot more free when I just surrender control and take life as it comes, without expectations.
November 12, 2018 at 1:06 pm #236547ShelbyvilleParticipantValora,
I would love to think my ex would grow and seek help but he maintains he’s content as he is. He kept saying to me ‘this is who i am, maybe some people were born to be alone’. I don’t doubt there are people in this life who are content being on their own. My ex likes his own company, his own schedule. But I also know, he’s not someone who is ‘meant’ to be alone.
He had almost taken the step to see a therapist before we split, but then he just decided it was all too much and he didn’t want it to be that hard anymore where he had to work out feelings and face fears and he decided fate was telling him, you’re not meant to be in a relationship.
He won’t come back. He wanted to see me so much the first time we split and yet didn’t so much as text for months. It was me who instigated it again. This time will be the same, he just moves on and doesn’t think too much about it.
You’re right about not waiting to move forward, but I’m stalled at the moment. The life ahead of me is not one I want therefore it makes me in no rush to go and live it. I know that sounds crazy but it’s just where I’m at at the moment.
November 12, 2018 at 1:44 pm #236551KkasxoParticipantEvening all,
I’m having an extremely tough evening tonight. The pain is excruciating. I feel as though I can’t bare anymore.
Sorry to be bringing you down! Just don’t know where else to go right now.
November 13, 2018 at 1:10 am #236603KkasxoParticipantGood morning,
I hope you’re all having a much better morning than me.
I had an evening from hell yesterday. I feel physically sick this morning, my stomach is tied in a knot and I feel as though I can’t go on. I actually considered not coming into work today as I just couldn’t bare seeing anyone but I managed to get myself here in the end and now regretting every moment of it.
When will this misery end? I feel like it really is one thing after another. Life has knocked me down to the extreme in the last few months and I well and truly have had enough now. I can’t bare any more.
I apologise for the downer this morning!
November 13, 2018 at 1:30 am #236605ShelbyvilleParticipantAre you okay? Is there any particular trigger last evening or this morning? Would the monthly visitor have anything to do with is because it certainly impacts me.
Are you having your counselling session this week? Have you the kind of job where you can keep your head down for the day as far as possible and do as little interaction as possible. Trust me when I say, I know how the pain feels.It’s crippling, it feels like it will actually physically break you, but it won’t.
You made it to work, sure…..it might not be your happiest or most productive day at work ever, but you made it…..YOU DIDN’T GIVE IN.
I’m here all day anytime you need to type or get advice.
S x
November 13, 2018 at 1:52 am #236607KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I am possibly a bit more in tact with my feelings because of the monthly visitor but generally I am just hurt. It’s like a never ending cycle of mess up’s since June! One thing after another – when does it bloody end?!
I am currently alone in the office so I am enjoying the peace and quiet although it probably wont last very long! I think mostly I just feel absolutely unsettled, I feel sick to my stomach, I’m barely managing to hold down my coffee.
I really am loosing hope at this point. This has been going on for so long now and i’m loosing hope that it’ll ever get any better. I have done so much reading into healing, forgiveness, self-love, I have gotten myself to the gym, I have tried to go out and enjoy things again, I have given into distractions to help keep my mind off things – seems I am running out of things to do to try and help myself! I don’t want to just ‘exist’ or ‘survive’ like this anymore. I want to be able to find joy in my life again.
This whole waiting game of ‘time is a healer’ is exhausting. I feel like nothing is progressing. Ultimately, I am not healing, I am not feeling any better at all. I just keep finding myself in this endless cycle of pain and hurt and I can’t seem to get out of it.
I am aware most of what I just wrote sounds like utter jibberish, I just feel lost and hopeless..
November 13, 2018 at 2:38 am #236613ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I understand how you’re feeling, I literally said the same thing to my therapist this week, that I feel I’m not making any progress, the only slight improvement has been as a result of medication. But he says I will eventually improve. But it will be gradual and may take me a little longer than most people.
In your case however, I feel all those things you are doing as keeping you functioning, which is brilliant. But they are not necessarily what will help you heal. Acknowledging what has happened and addressing the pain is the only way to recover from it I think. So I’ll re-iterate this analogy I read before. The trauma/pain is a thorn in your arm, and you can spend your whole life trying to work around the wound and prevent anyone or anything bumping off the thorn, but that’s not a great way to live. If you pull the thorn out completely, it will be mean, but it will be short-lived and the thorn will be gone forever and the wound will heal up and no longer hurt.
There is nothing wrong with just functioning right now. I asked my therapist about reducing the medication again as lately I feel I’m not experiencing the pain enough, but he disagreed. He said the medication is just giving me a helping hand to allow the process happen in a more gradual way, letting in bits and pieces and time goes on, as and when I’m able for it.
Whatever happened in June, will have to be addressed Kkasxo, it doesn’t have to be now, it can be in time, when you’re ready, but I’m guessing it’s the only way you will eventually feel better.
In the meantime, a few slow deep breaths in the toilet often help just take the worst edge off the upset tummy. Stick to bland food too like toast or bread or crackers. You are not talking jibberish, you are feeling…….intensely. And it can be overwhelming, but it’s a natural reaction.
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