No clue if anyone will read this because i have been defensive and pushed people away – but I want to apologize for being that way. I’m pushing my friends from home and people on this site away. It just goes to show I’m a shitty person.

I appreciate all of your input up to this point. I won’t bother anyone – to those of you who tried to help, thank you. I’m just a lost cause who isn’t willing to accept my situation. I apologize for any time you’ve wasted. Best wishes.

I think what you’re going through and what you’re feeling from this situation is normal. It’s okay to step back and be alone when you need to, just don’t let yourself get in too deep of an isolation for too long because it does help a ton to talk to people and have their support. It’s also okay to let yourself feel whatever you need to feel until you get to the point where you can move past it. It’s okay to not completely accept it until you feel ready to accept it. All of those things come with time and it’s important to move at your own pace. This is all still pretty recent for you and it takes a while to get through all of these emotions.

In the meantime, please don’t let your mind convince you that you’re worse than you are. You are not a crappy person or a lost cause. You’re in pain, your mind’s in pain, your heart is in pain, and it all feels awful. But it won’t forever (even when it feels like it will). And we all are here for you whenever you feel the need to vent. I hope you start feeling better very, very soon and please be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

Dear Elizabeth:

I re-read all your posts slowly and patiently. I didn’t re-read my own or others’ posts. With the exception of you being so hard on yourself in your most recent post (and previous indication or two that you are taking more responsibility than you own regarding his choices), you read like perhaps the most  reasonable, sensible, insightful and a fair, open minded thinker that I came across in a long time.

I suppose you didn’t need anyone else’s analysis of what happened, you already analyzed enough and see all the possibilities about what motivated him. You also realize that neither you nor anyone else can tell what is going on in his mind and heart, definitely not in the last 2.5 months since you last spoke to him.

My input today (and I have no idea if you will be reading this): what is clear to me is that you waiting for him is unhealthy for you. I think that the longer you wait for him, as you do now, the worse it is for you.

it is most important that you contact him as soon as possible and ask him to attend a  counseling session with you, not for the purpose of getting back together, but for the purpose of you understanding what happened and what is happening. I think he owes you that. You need the information from him because what you do understand currently is simply not enough, not adequate. With information from him, in the regulated situation in a quality counseling session or sessions, you can figure out what to do next.

anita

Hi Elizabeth,

I’m so glad you came back to your thread, and I’m so glad you went out on that date! It’s okay to compare him to your husband. That’s normal! And of course he’s really into you….because you are loveable. Keep interacting with people. You may notice things now that you normally wouldn’t. Sometimes it takes going through a very difficult time to awaken us to the goodness in people and to all the beauty that’s out there.

All of your feelings — still in love your husband, in an unhealthy mental place, unmotivated to care of yourself — make perfect sense to me. Just keep getting out of bed, showering, and getting yourself into work each day….oh, I forgot, and brushing/flossing too :).

Stick to the basics for now. You’re doing just fine.

B

Hi Elizabeth,

I think, most of all, it’s important to be patient with yourself and the time it takes to feel better. I say give yourself at least a solid year to work through everything, possibly longer given the duration of time you two were together, but it may take even less than that. There’s no way to know, so just try not to get too upset with yourself for not being where you want to be emotionally yet. This stuff takes time, and it’s okay that you aren’t feeling 100% yet. You’ve been through a big ordeal.

It’s definitely good that your job is forcing you to be social though. Getting out and talking people has been proven to improve mood so I’m sure it’s doing you some good, even when you’d rather not interact with anyone. When I was first trying to get through my heartbreak, I’d often get out to see local bands play as much as possible because listening to live music makes me feel really good. Sometimes that would be the ONLY time I’d feel good. So if you notice that any certain activity makes you feel happy, try to do more of that, even when you don’t feel like it. And attention-wise, when you’re not ready to date yet (which is totally understandable in my opinion), just going out on the town, flirting, feeling that attention, and then going home and getting a good night’s rest works wonders. Also, fill a desire for attention in other ways, like by meeting new friends and deepening relationships with like-minded people (that you can meet if you find any hobbies you enjoy that meet in groups). I know that might not be something you feel like doing right now, and that’s okay, but it’s an idea.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

Hi Elizabeth,

You are welcome. I like everything Valora posted and I will add that I have a dog myself so I totally get the guilt you describe, and I think it’s a good thing that no one at your work knows your situation. It’s still all so new, and it’s nobody’s business anyway. Keep everything professional at work is my advice. 🙂

You make so much sense to me, and I think you’re a really good person.

B