Hi TheDaydreamer!

I will be totally honest, as I think you wish I am!

There are many red flags if you ask me. Some more orangy and some bright red.

The orangy ones are the lying. I think he lied to you because in his mind the thing which he lied about is not a big thing while he knew to you it will be a huge thing. But lying is still not ok. About the lying and this stuff I will post a link to a video that might proof helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOy4cFzWz1Q

Ok. For me the really bright red flag is the reward thing. It is flirty and in my mind that is not ok. If it is ok with you that is entirely up to your standards. It does not necesarilly mean there is something really up, but what it definetely means is there have been some thoughts about it. It is normal to feel atraction to other people but there is a line. The line, in my mind, is crossed when you act on it in any way. If you cannot be totally platonic especially with your ex then staying friends is a really stupid idea and it is made even stupider if it jeoperdizes the current relationship you are in as in your case.

I suggest that you confront him. You also made a mistake with your snooping and you should be held accountable for your mistake. This is how it is in life. When you keep yourself accountable you grow and you better yourself by doing the right thing. The perfect example of this is weight resistance training. Anyways… Confront him. Decide beforehand what your standards about the while thing are and enforce them. You should not undervalue yourself. But also be reasonable. You should not build an unsustainable situation by telling him he should not see his ex anymore. This is bad practice and it never works out. I think the video pretty much sums it up.

Hope your situation is resolved in a positive manner.

Have a great day.
Matic

Good morning TheDayDreamer,

I could spend a lot of time writing about how your boyfriend is wrong and that if he loved you he would not be doing anything that he is aware causes you any kind of distress or makes you question his loyalty to you. What I am going to spend time writing about is this….start living your life for you and learn to love yourself more. Focus your time and energy on living a life full of joy, peace, and happiness. Do more inside work, and spend less time worrying about the wrong he may or may not be doing. All that is dark will come to the light and when it does as a woman you must be prepared to deal with it and move forward with dignity and grace. Life is a precious gift to be cherished and spending too much time in a life that doesn’t make you a better person is a wasted life. People do wrong all of the time, and karma absolutely deals with that so stop worrying yourself into more misery and take care of you. We as women are wonderful, beautiful creatures that are capable building amazing lives, but no woman that hasn’t done her inside work ever will become the queen she is meant to be. Deal with your anxiety and insecurity and be strong, and pray that God reveals your path so that you make wise choices and live in his will. I speak from experience and I promise that all the work is worth it!

Good luck,
Natalie

Dear TheDaydreamer:

It doesn’t sit well with me, this relationship he has with the other woman while you are his girlfriend. I would tell him that I am not okay with it, and tell him that unless there is a real, self motivated change in his mind (unlikely)- that you are not interested in continuing the relationship with him. I would want him to not be interested in a continuance of a relationship with her, not in him cutting off contacts with her unwillingly, under pressure.

I don’t see how you can go on in this relationship knowing what you know as if it is not there. The reward comment is unexcusable, simply unacceptable in my mind, a stop sign in my view.

anita