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Troubles adjusting to a healthy relationship.

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • January 29, 2018 at 12:26 pm #189653
    Mark
    Participant

    Joyce,

    This is what people call “baggage.”  Our past is part of us.  Relationships gives us the opportunity to grow and heal from them.

    When you said you feel like you are so damaged and it shouldn’t be his job to fix you then how are you fixing them yourself?  Are you getting help like with a therapist/counselor?  It will benefit you to understand why you were with your ex for so long, why you chose to be with a controlling man.  This way you can heal.

    Mark

     

    January 29, 2018 at 12:38 pm #189657
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joyce:

    When the two of you said to each other that you were going to leave your pasts behind you, you determined to do the impossible. It is a good intent, to move on from the past, but it can’t be done quickly or easily. The past is imprinted in our brain in neuropathways that get automatically activated in the present. At any one moment, we have nothing but the past (a moment before, a day before… a decade before) imprinted or recorded in our brain, ready to be activated.

    Over time new experiences are available to us, but we need to be patient and relax into these experiences, being treated well by this guy, for one, let this experience sink in. Then it will be the… past experience to be relied on in the future.

    When you are triggered it is not necessary to tell him every time, to expect him to fix your distress. Sometimes it will be effective to communicate with him, at other times, you can recognize the triggered experience and calm yourself with realistic thinking of the present as well as deep, slow breathing, relaxing, without his input.

    “Why is it so hard to believe that he’s just a genuinely wonderful guy?”- because it takes time to absorb new information, new experience, new thinking and feeling. It takes time to feel safe after being scared for so long.

    anita

    January 29, 2018 at 12:59 pm #189667
    Joyce
    Participant

    Well I am currently rebuilding my life for starter, When I left 4 months ago I lost everything, my home, my car, my pets, most of my belongs., most of daughter belongs. In the last 4 month I have gotten my own apartment in a triplex with my two best friends as neighbors, I’ve gotten a car, I have an apartment full of furniture. I am working on getting back on track heath wise and have quit smoking e-cigs entirely. I also have been journaling  which I stopped a few years ago after my ex read my journal and attacked me about its contents. I have had an anxiety condition since I was young and keeping a journal was always a big help for me. I just need to learn to love myself again, to remind myself that what I’ve been told for so long isn’t true.

     

    I stayed with my ex for so long because at first thing were good, we were happy but once we had the baby everything changed. I fought so hard to keep things together, to keep him happy, that I forgot about my own happiness in the process. I wanted my daughter to grow up with a full family not a broken one, so I kept holding on, hoping things would change. He was well aware he treated me badly and promised to change, to be nicer, to not yell at me as much. He would be okay for about a week after saying he was going to work on things, but it would always go back to how it always was. I was complacent because I knew he would stay and he wouldn’t leave me, he was safe to be with. Even if he didn’t bring me happiness he provided me with some type of comfort.

    January 29, 2018 at 1:54 pm #189673
    Mark
    Participant

    Joyce,

    I admire anyone who has gone through tough times and be able to pick themselves up and start over again.

    To be able to recover from losing everything to where you are now plus making healthier choices physically and emotionally is great!  I hope you are acknowledging yourself about that.

    I believe in living our best selves in order to be a good parent for our children.  They learn the most from our example, good and bad.

    Mark

    January 30, 2018 at 4:58 am #189741
    Anonymous
    Guest

    ear Joyce:

    Your original post ended with: “He treats me so  damn well so WHYYYY do I … keep thinking of my ex who treated me like rubbish..?”-

    I think the reason may be because part of you believes that you call for such treatment, a rubbish treatment, using your word.

    If someone criticizes you, his criticism gets your attention and you focus on it, respond to it, attend to that person criticizing you. Your interest is there because there is something to fix, that part of you that you that deserves the criticism. On the other hand when someone does not criticize you, even is kind to you, that doesn’t get your attention… and “something’s missing”.

    My understanding is that what is missing is this dynamic:

    * you believe there is something wrong with you (core belief)->

    *a person/man agrees with you, basically, sending you the message: there is something wrong with you/you are doing something wrong! ->

    * you focus on the criticizer, attend to him and try to fix the wrongness you perceive to his satisfaction.

    anita

    January 30, 2018 at 8:00 am #189769
    Joyce
    Participant

    Anita,

    That is a very valid point, this is the first time I’ve been in a healthy relationship with a guy who wants nothing other than the person I am. I am so use to being with negative and toxic people that accepting that someone can like me as I am is hard to do. All my life I’ve never been enough, I always needed to be something more for everyone around me. I truly care about my new boy friend and I just want to make sure I treasure him properly. I still have love for my ex and my boyfriend know this and understands it, he knows that my scars are fresh and that I’m healing them. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am betraying him when my thoughts drift to my ex. It may be that this was so recent of a break up I haven’t acclimated to not being around my ex..

     

    Thank you Mark and Anita guys for your advice it seriously is helping put me at ease!

    January 30, 2018 at 8:20 am #189777
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joyce:

    You are welcome. When your thoughts drift to your ex, you are not betraying your boyfriend. Nor are you betraying your boyfriend feeling anything you do for your ex or for anyone, really. We don’t have control over the thoughts and feelings, these just happen, come about. We don’t choose our thoughts and feelings, therefore they are not wrong and we are not guilty for those. It is only our actions, what we say and what we do that is subject to our choosing.

    It is better that you don’t… confess to your boyfriend your thoughts and feelings, it may hurt him and not help you. Better keep those to yourself or share them with other people, as you do here. This is one way to “treasure him (your boyfriend) properly”.

    It may help you to adjust to a relationship where you are treated well if you notice in your daily life, with other people, other interactions, notice if you attend and try to please those who criticize you while ignoring those who don’t. If you notice this, ignore or assert yourself with those who criticize you and attend graciously to those who are kind to you.

    anita

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