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Toxic mother is the keeper of my beloved father who has Alzheimer's

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  • #223117
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I am wondering what to do about a situation with a toxic mother. She is the keeper of my father, who is my everything, who has Alzheimer’s. The pain of dealing with this disease is immeasurable. I am a single woman, 40 years old, and navigating my uncertain career path as a writer/teacher. There are times I could really use my dad. But I accept that he’s sick. I no longer miss going to him for advice; just being around him and feeling his love is enough. The problem is that if I visit home, which isn’t often anymore as her abusive attacks have became too much for me, my presence unleashes her attack on me. Any word I say sets her off, and I am immediately ‘selfish’. I am the perpetrator, and she is the victim. Just last night, I returned home early from their house. I hadn’t seen my father in months. Not seeing him for that long just kills me. I don’t know what else to do except stretch out my visits in order to see him and preserve my sanity. But even not even that seems to be enough. I’m still in pain.

    I don’t have a close relationship with her, or any of my sisters. Six years ago, I accepted this as the state of things. Really, I was happy to get out of my dyfunctional family. But what I am missing is my relationship with my dad. Also, I’ve witnessed her abusive behavior towards my father, helpless as he is. I’ve intervened. But ultimately I realized there is nothing I can do about protecting my father from her, short of being his caretaker.  I’ve told my sisters about my mother’s abusive behavior towards him, as they remain in closer contact with my mother, but they’ve done nothing. Actually, I don’t think they even believe me. They see a completely different side to her than I do. A part of me thinks it’s because they’re married and mom has to put on a front infront of their husbands.

    I am at a point where I’m wondering how to protect myself. Do I never go home again? But then, I lose my father! I want to be around him, to show him the kind of love he’s shown me all of his life. But I feel that if I do, I subject myself to the pain and abuse of my mother. Not to mention, I am angry that she has abused my father as well. It’s been about six years of this cycle, and I feel I’ve had enough. I’m 40 years old. I want to be happy.

    Do I have to write them both off, to save myself?

    Thanks for reading. Today, I feel very alone in this world. So thank you.

    Pink

     

     

    #223239
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pink:

    I am assuming that there is nothing further you can do to protect your father (or anyone else, your sisters’ children, perhaps) from your mother. You talked to your sisters, they don’t believe you. And maybe she is different with them, putting up a front because of their husbands, that makes sense. And I don’t suppose there is a way to have your father live elsewhere.

    What I would do if I was you would be to see my father one more time, to say goodbye, to tell him that I love him, to tell him how much I will miss him. I would give him a kiss on the cheek and hug him with all my love. Then leave and not return, end all contact with your mother (and sister if it suits you).

    There are some pains in life we can do nothing about but endure. I think this is one of them.

    anita

    #223361
    pink24
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for taking the time to respond.

    May I ask, why is it that I have to endure this while my sisters do not?  Is it because I do not have a man by my side, easy prey for an abusive person?

    Anita have you had a toxic person in your life? If so, how did you get to a better place for yourself?

    #223369
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pink:

    You are welcome.

    You asked: “why is it that I have to endure this while my sisters do not?… have you had a toxic person in your life? If so, how did you get to a better place for yourself?”

    Yes, I did have a toxic person in my life, my mother. She attacked me too, repeatedly, communicating to me too, that she was the victim, my victim and that I was her perpetrator. I wasn’t able to “get to a better place” until I ended all contact with her and promised myself that there will be no contact with her no matter what, for the rest of my life. Before that, at times I got to a better place but every time I visited her or she visited me, any and all progress I made was undone.

    If your mother does not attack your sisters the way she attacks you, it may  very well be because their husbands are present with the sisters or that she is afraid they will get involved if the sisters tells them about the attacks.

    I figure, if your mother was abusive to you since you were a child, she was also abusive to your sisters. What happens is that siblings make very individual adjustments to abuse, adopting different kinds of thinking and behaving. For example, I stayed at home to … protect my mother (she threatened suicide because of my alleged bad behavior) while my sister was out a lot, with friends. My sister was able to close her eyes to the abuse better than I was able to. In my sister’s mind, she had a great childhood.

    I hope to read more from you.

    anita

     

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