Dear Pink:

I am assuming that there is nothing further you can do to protect your father (or anyone else, your sisters’ children, perhaps) from your mother. You talked to your sisters, they don’t believe you. And maybe she is different with them, putting up a front because of their husbands, that makes sense. And I don’t suppose there is a way to have your father live elsewhere.

What I would do if I was you would be to see my father one more time, to say goodbye, to tell him that I love him, to tell him how much I will miss him. I would give him a kiss on the cheek and hug him with all my love. Then leave and not return, end all contact with your mother (and sister if it suits you).

There are some pains in life we can do nothing about but endure. I think this is one of them.

anita

Dear Pink:

You are welcome.

You asked: “why is it that I have to endure this while my sisters do not?… have you had a toxic person in your life? If so, how did you get to a better place for yourself?”

Yes, I did have a toxic person in my life, my mother. She attacked me too, repeatedly, communicating to me too, that she was the victim, my victim and that I was her perpetrator. I wasn’t able to “get to a better place” until I ended all contact with her and promised myself that there will be no contact with her no matter what, for the rest of my life. Before that, at times I got to a better place but every time I visited her or she visited me, any and all progress I made was undone.

If your mother does not attack your sisters the way she attacks you, it may  very well be because their husbands are present with the sisters or that she is afraid they will get involved if the sisters tells them about the attacks.

I figure, if your mother was abusive to you since you were a child, she was also abusive to your sisters. What happens is that siblings make very individual adjustments to abuse, adopting different kinds of thinking and behaving. For example, I stayed at home to … protect my mother (she threatened suicide because of my alleged bad behavior) while my sister was out a lot, with friends. My sister was able to close her eyes to the abuse better than I was able to. In my sister’s mind, she had a great childhood.

I hope to read more from you.

anita