Totally Stuck - Not Sure What To Do In Relationship

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This topic has 10 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by Marie.

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October 13, 2013 at 5:32 pm #43731

Marie
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Would you break up with your boyfriend of six years (he is eight years older than you) if he is the sweetest person in the world and cooks and is clean and takes care and listens to you, but you have zero chemistry with him? Also, he drinks a lot and has a DUI and hasn’t had a job for the last four years. Though you don’t have to support him, he is now running out of money and can’t go out – so you are paying for mostly all the groceries and any outings and trips. He says he will find a new job in 2014, but you’re not sure, you’ve heard that so many times before. You think this time is different, because he really is running out of money.

You meaning me. I’m lost.

P.S. When I say we have zero chemistry, it doesn’t mean we aren’t affectionate. We are extremely close and cuddle/hug everyday and make each other laugh — but there’s really never been that va-va-voom passion of the melding of bodies, or that nervous energy that there’s something at risk when I kiss him. You know, that crazy adrenaline rush. I love him, but seem to want to have sex more than he does, and it’s frustrating (even though he says he loves me and thinks I’m gorgeous – I seriously think he just has intimacy issues and is doing the best that he can- I’m just not sure that’s good enough for me). He calms me down. Makes me feel safe. But – do I want to spend the rest of my life (I’m currently 29) without that crazy-stupid-love passion? It seems like a long time to go without – and the fact that I’m debating this so much means that all my attempts at saying oh-everything’s-fine aren’t working. I’ve talked to him about this, and he says he will try harder, but so far nothing’s changed.

I’m at a loss and am scared of losing him, but am also starting to resent him. Which is not a healthy place to be. He’s already said if we break up he can’t be friends with me, so if we end it, it’s THE END.

October 13, 2013 at 6:52 pm #43734

Macintosh
Participant

It depends on how important chemistry and passion is to you. If it’s not there from the get go with him, it’s not something that can be captured.

You’re 29, probably ready to think about getting married and have children.

You’d have a great life with him, he’s a good guy, a true friend and partner. Would be a wonderful dad. The thing is, would that be enough for you? If you want zing and excitement, he isn’t the one.

Would he be willing to do couples counseling with you?

October 13, 2013 at 7:28 pm #43739

Marie
Participant

No, I don’t think so. I’ve talked to him about couples counseling, and he says that’s not his thing. I guess this is the eternal dilemma – passion vs. stability/compatibility. I’ve honestly never had both in any relationship, so am not sure it exists. Though I’ve heard others say it very well does…

October 15, 2013 at 1:19 am #43809

Sarah Fish
Participant

Im almost the same age and was with a similar sounding guy for six years, he was eight years older. He really pulled his weight at home and work …drinking was a problem as were other issues.

For me, I kept thinking, ‘do i want my kids to turn out like him? Do i want him as a role model? He hasnt kept his promises the last six years is that going to change?

I answered NO to evrything, and realised i had to move on.

It was hard, but you are probably just in a comfort zone with him more than anything else. Relationships don’t fizz and pop with passion everyday, but there should be some….at least thats what I’m hoping for the next one…

October 23, 2013 at 9:40 pm #44269

Jackie
Participant

It sounds like you’ve been in a comfort zone with your boyfriend but you’re starting to feel discontented and wondering if this is all there is. It sounds like you enjoy the companionship of being with him and having someone there for you, but at the same time, your relationship is lacking that special passion and chemistry that comes with being with someone that you’re truly in love with . Should you break up with him? Depends on what you’re looking for in a relationship and whether that relationship can continue to satisfy your wants and needs. It sounds like you want something more out of a relationship and you’re questioning if maybe you can do better but at the same time, it’s hard to break the attachment to him. You have to do some soul-searching and ask yourself what you really want right now. Maybe eventually you’ll decide that you’d rather look for passion and chemistry with someone else rather than settle for something that you’re comfortable with but doesn’t really fulfill you.

October 24, 2013 at 12:13 am #44276

Francis V
Participant

Hi,

It seems like you are caught in the middle and I’m sorry to hear about that. I don’t want to post something long but I’ll share a link that might shed some light on your situation.

How to know if you’re in the right relationship>> http://lovingboldly.com/blog/is-this-the-right-relationship-for-me-should-you-commit-to-a-relationship/

–Francis

October 24, 2013 at 3:25 am #44281

Rashmi
Participant

Hey
Hmm sounds like you guys are in a fused relationship. And I your worries about your relationship are justifiable. There is clearly a loss of passion but I do think your relationship is salvageable. Sounds like you both have lost your purpose in the relationship because you stopped filling yourselves up. It happens to a lot of couples when they stop nurturing and growing by themselves and get so consumed in the relationship, that they end up draining their love meter. Fused relationships are not healthy. You both need to find your focus in life. Find meaning in your life and then only then can you guys build the love and the passion in your relationship.
Here’s some reading material on fused relationships
http://lovingboldly.com/blog/losing-yourself-in-a-relationship/
Hope it helps

October 24, 2013 at 8:50 am #44291

Joanna Warwick
Participant

Hey.
Sounds like you know truly what is and isn’t right for you – your just ignoring it !
Drinking problems – not matter how nice someone is – is about their repression of desire and fears. They rely on alcohol to numb the feelings so they can avoid them and not come into being in their power.
You can simple cant have vava voom without their being an equal match of desire – its chemistry.
The question is why are you willing to wait and waste your life on something that is not matching you equally and accept nice instead of incredible?
The right one and real love is the bees knees if you brave enough to to say I deserve that!
But I wonder if you think you have to settle and fix him as something wont come along?
If you decide you do then head over and pick up my free – Dont Screw It Up – Perfect Relationship Cheat Sheet in the Projects That Need Support Section/Relationship Therapist – in this Forum
Jox
http://www.rediscoverthemagic.com

November 2, 2013 at 10:42 pm #44774

Aurora
Participant

It’s a hard decision. I think the real question is what do you need to be happy? Are there deal-breakers that you are facing? Like the drinking? Particularly when he’s unemployed. The lack of chemistry plus some resentment might also present a problem.
I don’t know what’s best for you, just some things to think about.

November 3, 2013 at 6:31 am #44781

Marie
Participant

Thank you all for these replies. They are helpful in keeping things in perspective. I do believe we rely too much on each other, which isn’t healthy. He’s visiting family now, but I’m going to talk to him when he returns. I think he is using drinking as a way to numb his fears and the “boredom” of life (his phrase), I’m just not sure he would ever cut back. His father is also a heavy drinker, so the currents of that habit run deep.

The thing that gets me most of all is the lack of communication about these topics (I think they are inherently all related) – he’d rather joke around than address these issues head-on and I haven’t been brave enough to seriously push the issue past the uncomfortable joking stage or tell him that I’m leaving if we can’t at least talk about these topics (right now he just says I’m nagging him and shuts down and won’t have a dialogue about it – but I don’t bring it up that much – once or twice am month. I think he just wants to be left alone, but it’s obviously upsetting me as I felt the need to ask help/advice on the forum).

I think he’s turning a blind eye to his desires and just doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. So he’s just sort of stalled, running in place. He doesn’t necessarily believe in inner peace or meditation, but he says hiking is how he calms his mind, and I understand that, but I don’t want to marry this lost soul and live a comfortable lie which relies on alcohol almost every day to numb the senses (even if it’s just to get that buzz so your’e not bored).

Then again, a part of me wonders if this is what life is. And I will never meet a sweet guy that I like ever again (because he IS sweet…as long as we both bury our heads in the sand and don’t talk about the above).

Meanwhile, I am slowly disengaging and doing more things that I love, trying to create balance in my life again.

The way I see it, I have my current body for another 50-70 years if I’m healthy, and maybe not even then if I’m not, or if I cross paths with something that cuts this body’s shelf-life short. I want to be engaging the world around me and experiencing life (and he says he wants to experience life too, he’s just too broke to do anything now). Hopefully after talking to him about what I want in a life partner we will come to an understanding, but if not…I hope I’m brave enough to walk away.

November 3, 2013 at 6:41 am #44782

Marie
Participant

Oh, and to be clear, I have already talked to him about what I want in a life partner. Multiple times over the last six years. But I always get the sense that he is slightly dismissive of the sticking points above (drinking, passion, lack of communication). What I haven’t done – primarily because I hate ultimatums (though is it an ultimatum if you’re just calmly voicing what you feel?) – is tell him that I want to be able to communicate with my partner about the difficult subjects as well as the easy, and if I can’t talk to him about anything hard or uncomfortable, or have a deeper connection, then I am moving on – because, honestly, those sort of habits (drinking, passion, lack of communication) are only going to deepen with time.
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