HomeâForumsâRelationshipsâTorn between breaking up and pushing through
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Roberta.
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January 2, 2025 at 5:52 am #441200
Anonymous
InactiveHi Gage
It sounds like your girlfriend is dealing with a lot of issues and has been through a lot. Youâve clearly supported her. I can understand the frustration and anxiety about her behaviour, especially as this issue keeps arising. I think itâs healthy that you are focusing on taking care of your mental health.
I have a question. Are you in therapy? When you have a partner who has unique issues like this it is often helpful to have a therapist to deal with any complicated feelings that arise as a result of the difficulties. If you think about it, it a way you are a caregiver to her and with that comes an element of burnout.
You are spot on that you should not give up your friends to make the relationship easier.
But I donât think that the problem is related to you or even ultimately your friends. It sounds to me like she is dealing with massive amounts of shame and self hatred.
I would think of a way to handle when she brings up this paranoia in a healthy way and set boundaries. Taking a break from talking about these things when you are both upset might be a good idea. Sitting next to her and giving her a hug might be helpful when she is upset.
Quite often when people have arguments they are trying to communicate needs. Ultimately, she is seeking reassurance from you about how you feel about her. She is trying to make up for her lack of self-love with your caring for her.
She is externalising the problem because she doesnât know how to deal with her own feelings of inadequacy.
Iâm curious to hear your thoughts on what Iâve said so far?
Love and best wishes! â¤ď¸đ
January 2, 2025 at 7:38 am #441211anita
ParticipantDear Gage:
First off, I want to acknowledge the tremendous effort and care youâve put into supporting your girlfriend through her struggles. Itâs clear you have a deep sense of commitment and compassion.
However, it’s essential that you prioritize your own mental health. Constantly walking on eggshells and feeling isolated from your friends has been taking a significant toll on your well-being.
It’s not sustainable to sacrifice your own health indefinitely.
You asked: “At what point do I take my own mental health into account?”- my answer: immediately.
You ended your original post with: “Iâm torn because I refuse to give up friends for an easier relationship, but I also donât want to give up on her because I think sheâs capable of improving. Just not before my mental health plummets completely.”- my response: I understand how torn you must feel. It’s commendable that you want to support her and see her improve, but it’s equally important to prioritize your own mental health. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your friendships or well-being for the sake of the relationship. It’s crucial to find a balance where both of your needs are met.
It will be best (if you haven’t so far) that you express to her your concerns and feelings honestly and compassionately. Let her know how her actions are affecting your mental health and the relationship and see how she responds.
Itâs a good thing that you both agreed to go to therapy (together, as a couple?). It can be helpful to discuss these recurring issues with a couple therapist to explore deeper solutions and strategies for managing her paranoia and building trust. It can be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor individually. This can provide you with the space to explore your feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for self-care.
Ultimately, itâs about finding a balance where both of you can support each otherâs growth without compromising your own health and happiness. Itâs okay to prioritize your well-being and seek a relationship that allows both partners to flourish.
anita
January 2, 2025 at 10:03 pm #441227Gage
ParticipantHello, first off I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read the problems of a stranger on the internet and give your own time and energy into your responses. I genuinely appreciate it very much!
So for starters, yes, both her and I are in our own separate therapies, hers is introspective exposure therapy, and mine is interpersonal psychotherapy. She has a lot of trauma and I have deep seated roots to please people at the cost of my own well being. We have talked about doing couples therapy, whether through our own therapists or finding a new one (we would obviously continue to see our own throughout the process), but have not taken the steps to start it yet. The problem I have with that is that the problem could take months to see any amount of improvement, and I don’t know if it have the patience in me anymore to deal with another episode of this. We both actively contribute to open communication on our problems, passing thoughts, emotions, goals, ideas, and all the like. And we have had to fine tune a lot of methods in the process, which we both feel is part of the process. But these episodes come from seemingly no where, with blind triggers, and reason and communication is left in the dust. Nothing I communicate is understood, or comprehended. In her words “its like being blacked out drunk and hearing from somebody else what you said but don’t remember saying it, or even feeling that way”.
As far as I know, she knows about her feelings of self love and her issues with externalizing them towards me, or at least she has with problems in the past. But this one subject seems to be a monster of a problem of its own magnitude and the methods she has used in the past for previous issues don’t seem to have an effect. As for those methods I can’t accurately explain what they are because they are very personal to her and how she regulates her emotions and thoughts.
I guess at the root of it, I’m not sure how I want to continue this journey with her, we have talked a couple times since the incident and we both have agreed to talk to our therapists next week and hear their professional opinions on the matter. We have come to the conclusion that it’s best to wait for them, but we have also considered that it may be time for us to call it quits. She feels immensely regretful and ashamed about this, and says she doesn’t want to continue hurting me in this or any way. And has asked for one more chance to try and throw every ounce of every resource at getting better.
But I am not sure if I can handle another episode. I never lose my temper especially with my partner, I never want to make my partner feel like they are unheard or not understood, much less feel afraid of me or feel threatened. And I did. I lost my temper and I threw the bag of cookies, and stormed off. I couldn’t process the information and my emotions got the better of me. I am afraid of causing further emotional damage because of that very instance. She’s been through a lot, and she deserves a partner who can be better, but I’m not sure if I am suitable to be what she needs. Not at the demand of my own health.
January 3, 2025 at 10:37 am #441246anita
ParticipantDear Gage:
You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation and for sharing your story so openly. Again, it’s clear that you’ve been incredibly supportive and patient with your girlfriend, and your dedication to her well-being is commendable. However, it’s also important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being.
Your feelings of being torn between supporting her and maintaining your mental health are entirely valid. It’s common to feel a sense of responsibility for a partner’s well-being, but it’s also important to remember that you are not solely responsible for her progress. Besides you, there are other people in her life who also contribute to her support system. You don’t have to carry the entire burden alone, and she ultimately needs to take responsibility for her actions and decisions. It’s not sustainable for one person to bear the full weight of another’s progress.
When she told you: “it’s like being blacked out drunk and hearing from somebody else what you said but donât remember saying it, or even feeling that way,” she was comparing her experience during episodes of paranoid delusions- and abusing you- to the sensation of being blacked out drunk. When someone is blacked out drunk, they engage in behaviors and conversations but do not remember them afterward. They might hear later from others about things they said or did but have no memory of those actions. This analogy highlights her lack of control and awareness during these episodes.
Given the challenging situation youâre in, pausing the relationship might be a practical and thoughtful approach. This time can allow you to prioritize your mental health and take a step back from the constant stress and anxiety youâve been experiencing. It also provides her with the opportunity to focus fully on her therapy and work on gaining better control and understanding of her delusions and behaviors.
Pausing the relationship sets clear boundaries and expectations, emphasizing that you need to see significant improvement in her behavior (to no longer be “blacked out drunk”, to start with) for the relationship to resume.
It also offers a chance for both of you to reflect on your needs and what you want from the relationship.
This approach can help reduce the intensity of conflicts and provide a healthy distance, allowing both of you to approach issues more objectively. Itâs not about giving up on her but recognizing that your well-being is essential.
What do you think, Gage?
anita
January 3, 2025 at 11:39 am #441247Anonymous
InactiveHi Gage
Itâs good to hear that you have a therapist to support you through this. I think that your plan of waiting to speak to your therapist is wise.
It sounds like youâre being really hard on yourself for losing your temper and throwing the cookies.
You have a good level of awareness of your own difficulties. One way to think of this is as codependency. The issue occurs when you put your partnerâs needs before your own. You do this out of kindness and a desire to help her. But the best way to help her is to help yourself. Tune into your feelings when these things arise and place a firm boundary and leave the room or the building when she cannot be reasoned with in this âblack outâ state.
I would say that a difficulty with couples counselling is that it is hard to find a counsellor that doesnât favour one party and I think that causes issues when a therapist takes sides. So if you do go down that route it is important to find someone compassionate to you both.
I say this from experience. I have had counselling with my husband and it upset him and made the therapy pointless when she was being quite hard on him. I have also seen other couples experience the same issue too. Ironically, it was better talking to someone that knew us and cared for us both because they didnât take sides.
It is up to you both whether you decide to separate or stay together. I think that the fact that you are thinking about these things and considering your wellbeing is a great thing for you. Kudos and good luck!
Love and best wishes! â¤ď¸đ
January 3, 2025 at 1:42 pm #441253Roberta
ParticipantDear Gage
You & your friend/girlfriend have traveled a long way down the healing path
She has managed to give up the narcotics & alcohol.
From the many people I have spoken with over the years the drug & alcohol abuse has been a side effect to deeper core issues.
In this case her insecurity/paranoia around other women (not an uncommon theme).
In my early 30’s I was a waitress in a small community I always gave the woman attention & compliments and took minimal notice of their partner, so as not to rouse any jealousy.
I have also been on the flip side when I was visiting my partner who was a lay person at a monastery. He introduced me to another visiting woman with just my name. She made it very clear that she wanted him & thought that I was in the way so after about 20 mins I got up dropped a kiss on his head( the equivalent to scent marking my territory ha ha !) & walked away. When he & I met up later I had to explain his faux par in not introducing me as his partner as she still thought he was single & up for grabs! we settled on the term ‘best beloved’. Although he & I discontinued the romance some years later we are still firm & supportive friends a decade on.
I hope that both your therapist will give you pointers in how to start healing this particular sore area.
kind regards
Roberta -
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