- This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.
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April 29, 2018 at 7:39 am #204687VictoriaParticipant
Hi,
I’ve been struggling a lot this year mentally, but we’ll talk about what’s current:
I’m going through a lot of changes and new things and I’m feeling overwhelmed I guess – worrying about a lot of things. I’m almost 26 and haven’t achieved anything in that time, I drive an old car (1991) that I’ve had since 2011 because I’ve been too consistently broke, struggled to get a decent job and my business is already failing after three months after a career change from hospitality but I’ll hopefully be relocating soon and I’m in my first serious relationship and first one that’s lasted longer than 4 months. I wanted kids by the time I was 25 and that clearly hasn’t happened, I want both a successful business and family but I feel in order to have a family I’ll have to sacrifice my business and my body too many times – especially since my boyfriend wants 3 kids, I only want 2 (I’m a body builder and being and looking strong helps with my confidence after abuse, bullying and suffering from extreme shyness) – and I don’t want that. I feel I have so much to catch up on in such a short time to be where I want to be in life, now that I can actually do it – considering I can build my business again.
I’m worried for my future family, that my children wont like me, that my partner and I wont work out due to different parenting styles (even though we talked about it and agree on how to do it) – I’m worried that my potential son will grow up not knowing how to respect women the way I wanted to be respected or completely become a chauvinist because of the internet and social media these days, I’m worried my potential daughter will have to deal with the same things I did regarding how I was treated by the males I came across or find it hard to gain employment, especially if she’s competing with males. I’ve lost jobs to males even though I was better and in the PT industry men still seem more highly regarded, every gym seems to struggle with keeping female trainers around but I could be wrong as to why. I’m always worried now that I wont succeed as much as I want to because I’m a female and seen as less intelligent, I’ve had a huge silly issue with female equality triggered by instaporn (even though I’m fine with actual porn, though it does make me uncomfortable knowing my boyfriend watches/listens to it) after finding out my boyfriend was looking at other women semi naked and following their accounts, to you know see them semi-nude later, which felt utter horrible. It’s somehow different to actual porn, more personal I guess, it felt like cheating. I don’t know. This part isn’t relivent.
I’ve always worried I would die a failure, in the sense that I achieved nothing that I wanted to. That I’d always be unemployed or struggling with money, never meet a man or have a family and now that I’m getting or hopefully getting those things at the same time it’s plaguing my mind with negativity. I want both kids and a business, because I don’t want to die as a failure in either area but don’t want to sacrifice anything. I want marriage, a family and a new car before I’m 30 with out any serious sacrifice and it’s overwhelming and I’m not sure if that’s realistic or not.
April 29, 2018 at 7:58 am #204713AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
My thoughts: it is reasonable to consider whether or not to bring children into a world that is indeed full of injustice and aggression. I think that a woman who chooses to not have children is not a failure.
It is okay to drive an older car, as long as it doesn’t pollute the air more than a newer car. I was much happier driving my old car at the time than driving my new car. With the new car it hurt every time it got scratched. I was care free with the old car.
Because it bothers you (would bother me too), choosing a boyfriend/ husband who does not watch porn is an excellent idea.
Regarding not achieving goals you set, according to a timeline- I have found out that successfully achieving goals is often followed by the same anxiety that drove people to form and achieve those goals.
Would you like to share about the beginning of your anxiety, that restlessness, disquiet?
anita
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April 29, 2018 at 8:10 am #204717VictoriaParticipantHi, thank you for replying.
I would feel like a failure in a sense that I didn’t do what I wanted to achieve, I’ve always strongly wanted kids, to be a mother.
Unfortunately, it’d be almost impossible to meet someone who doesn’t look at porn to some degree these days. It’s sadly extremely normal. He doesn’t look at anything that upsets though.
It is more carefree, but it costs a lot in fuel and has no air conditioning and will one day die on me. I’d much rather a new car, that’s safer, comfortable and cheaper to run.
I do feel a lot of stress in achieving these things and I’m not sure what to do about it, stress doesn’t workout for me, I shut down, become irritable and unfocused – decision making becomes too hard and my job relies on me making choices for other people. I’m going through new things and it’s stressful.
April 29, 2018 at 8:19 am #204721AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
It definitely makes sense to have a safer car. And so, I hope you are able to get a safer car ASAP. It is also safer for the driver to not be stressed, to be calm instead. Lots of accidents are caused by drivers who are distressed and distracted via phone/texting while driving, and otherwise not paying attention.
Which brings me to the point: clearly what you need most is calm. For the purpose of thinking better, prioritizing, living more functionally, calm will do you wonders.
Question is, how do you achieve that calm. Unlike your other goals, calm is something that you can work on today and achieve more and more moments of it starting today.
anita
April 29, 2018 at 12:40 pm #204775davey boiParticipantVictoria,
Though your anxiety is painful and challenging, there is a positive takeaway from your anxiety: you care. You appear to care immensely for the things you have or want in your life, which may be a helpful point to keep in mind.
As far as achievement is concerned, it sounds like you have achieved a lot (running business, sculpting body, planning family). If your business is struggling, that’s ok. You know plenty more about starting and running a business now compared to when your business was just an idea. Even if your business doesn’t succeed, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you tried something and it didn’t work, and in the very least, that’s what I’m doing too: just trying something.
By setting goals for yourself, you risk disappointing yourself, which you feel you’ve done. From my perspective, you set goals for yourself, and you carried yourself further than you would have had you not set any goals and challenged yourself. If you get a free moment from your likely busy schedule, try reflecting on where you were six months ago or a year ago or five years ago and try accounting for how you have developed in the different facets of your life. Though you may not be where you want to be, you may have traveled further than you thought.
Let me know what you think if you like, and I hope my perspective helps.
Cheers
April 29, 2018 at 7:36 pm #204795VictoriaParticipantHi, yeah I guess so. I still don’t want to go through life not having done anything. And I just feel like I have so much to catch up on in such a short amount of time and that it won’t be possible to catch up, I keep feeling like I’ll be too old and it won’t be worthwhile.
April 30, 2018 at 2:10 am #204815AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
There is no timetable that you have to follow, really. No one but you taking notes of what you achieve or not and at what age. It is not necessary for you to hold yourself accountable to a timetable.
There is one person I am thinking about right now, a very famous person who achieved international fame, an international movie star who couldn’t endure living anymore and put an end to it.
He had a very long resume of achievements starting from an early age. You’d think that would make his life worth living, correct? He wasn’t content. He wanted more and he wanted more for too long.
It is not a resume of achievements that brings content to a person, it is being okay with what-is that brings contentment. Always wanting more, something one does not have, is what brings discontent.
Do your best to live a comfortable life, drive a safe, newer car, yes. And at the same time, be as content as you can with the life that is available to you, the car, the money you have, your marital status. Try to be okay with it.
anita
April 30, 2018 at 8:03 am #204901VictoriaParticipantHi Anita
it’s not about wanting more, it’s about having something and having something to live for. Before I became a personal trainer I didn’t have that, I didn’t really have any purpose even though I had things I wanted to do in life. Now I’m able to achieve those things i wanted to achieve years ago. I wanted a new car years ago, I wanted to move out and be fully independent years ago. Have friends years ago, I lost all my friends from high school and haven’t been able to make more for various reasons. I wanted a stable relationship and be married by now, I didn’t get that for various reasons. Now I can have those things, but I haven’t or don’t get to space those things out so it’s easier to achieve.
I feel a lot better now that I’ve spoken about it, and I’ll try to focus fully on one goal at a time. So thank you for responding to me, and anyone else who has responded.
April 30, 2018 at 9:05 am #204919AnonymousGuestDear Victoria:
You are welcome. “one goal at a time” reads wise to me.
“having something to live for” reads very profound to me this morning. Having something to live for, it is human nature to set goals and go about achieving them, it is something humans are capable of, setting a goal, plan how to achieve it, evaluate and re-evaluate the plan as it is executed, make adjustment and changes as needed (remaining flexible this way), persevering, building confidence this way. I suppose we are meant to execute this ability.
I hope you post again. It will be interesting for me to read more from you.
anita
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