Hi there,

I have been with my boyfriend for a year, my anxiety about the relationship started almost immediately yet there was something there I couldn’t walk away from.  For the first time in 3 years I felt like I found someone who I could be myself around, same level of social as me (fairly introverted), similar outlook on life, and attractive. The issues were our age difference, I’m 26 he’s 37. He has a child from a previous marriage, this made me uncomfortable. On top of this we met through work and had some political hoops to jump through and also have different views on religion.

Yet all of this doesn’t feel like the major issue now – I’m distracted by something else. For the past few months I’ve been asking him to be more affectionate – physically and emotionally. We started off the relationship having some intense talks because of the obstacles we faced that brought us closer and gave me confidence he was the right guy. We were physically affectionate, he surprised me with frequent kisses and hugging but now it’s waning. I started bringing it up, that I’d feel closer if we had more physicality, if he said kind things to me during the day, if we complimented each other, etc. He says saying “you’re pretty” makes him uncomfortable, that these type of affirmations don’t come naturally to him. He can be very quiet and reserved, sometimes he will say he had a great night and I am thinking he’s miserable the entire time until he says so. He struggles to bring up when I do something that frustrates him and will keep quiet. I can sense the change in his demeanour but have to fish for for it. I’ve asked him to communicate more as one of the things I think a healthy relationship needs.

He puts in effort now and then and then it goes back to the same thing and I find myself frustrated again…I recently tried bringing things up more often as they happen so I don’t bottle them in. I feel as if emotionally he isn’t tapping into my feelings even when I share exactly what I need to feel connected and validated in the relationship. I’ve provided examples of what this looks like, in some conversations he says he loves me and will try his best but then I feel he doesn’t actually work on it. Recently I brought up a specific example to help him understand what it is I’m asking for – he ignored something I said in text that meant a lot to me and it was a chance for him to be supportive and emotionally connect with me, he laughed if off. We’ve had several fights now over the course of a few months where I bring something up that is bothering me and we talk it out then wonder whether we are compatible or he says he’s not sure he can change that, then says I love you I will try my best and round we go. I get frustrated because I feel like some things I’ve seen him do in the past (physical mostly). I can feel him getting more frustrated and less receptive to these discussions. I try to keep it judgement free because I really would like our relationship to grow and get past this vicious cycle but am starting to think he isn’t taking it seriously. At one point we talked of moving in together and all the things we could do in the future and now i feel we are in a rut and every conversation starts with “if things improve we can do so and so…”

Recently we had another fight and he got very angry ( which he rarely does, calm temperament) and got ready to leave my place and said he couldn’t do it anymore, he needed space to think. I asked if that was It and he said he didn’t know. Then sat there for an hour not knowing what he wanted, I told him I wouldn’t ask him to stay because that needed to be his choice but that this came as a shock as I thought we were working through things. He also said he’s been in a haze since our last similar fight and maybe isn’t as happy as he thought with our relationship, there are good things there but perhaps we aren’t compatible enough to make it last. He did end up staying and next day tried to go back to normal – said he wanted to continue with our plans for the weekend and said he would give this more thought.

In the meantime I’m also re-evaluating. I’m not entirely sure he has given all his effort to it, or maybe I’m asking too much and can’t see when he does try. Am I trying to change him or are these fundemental to a healthy relationship? I wish he knew when I was sad and needed some cheering up or said something tender to me without asking for it. We have fun together and mostly “get” each other, before all this I would get excited about what the future would look like with him.

In addition to all this I have been in a rut myself with work and feeling unfulfilled with my “purpose”. That started a few months ago but generally I have always been an anxious person and am trying to separate that from the issues I have with my boyfriend. Everything just feels very heavy.I guess I’m looking for clarity on whether there is something to work with here or I should walk away? If I can get him to meet me in the middle on the things I ask for to feel an emotional connection is that enough? Will the other obstacles cause an issue? Feeling lost in all of this.

Thanks

Anna