A conversation about the music industry that lead to such anger and hurt feelings was as you suspected likely not about a difference of opinion about the music industry. Just at the argument about taking out the garbage is never really about taking out the garbage.

In relationships we often create conditions for issue to arise that we are at some level trying to heal. For example perhaps one or both of you needed to heal a a past hurt (now unconscious) where you were no heard, or respected for what you felt or thought. Perhaps at some level you felt as if you had no voice. In such a case the augment was not about the music industry but about having a voice.

A relationship ought to be a safe place to work out such past pain which is why we use them, almost always subconsciously, for that purpose.

Anyway in Relationship honest communication is key and that can only start to happen when we become conscious of the real issue at the root.

I really like the following book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.
(making is safe and mastering you stories are a must in all honest dialog)

The book does a good job at teaching people the art of how to have a true dialogue – the free exchange of multiple ideas that allow varying opinions to be put out in the open, along with accurate and relevant information necessary to make decisions. The book also helps readers prepare for high-impact situations; feel safe talking about almost any topic; be persuasive and not an abrasive personality no one would want to deal with; keep cool and calm in tough situations where others freak out or tune out; and in the end see the actions and results you wanted from the beginning.

Seven effective steps to mastering a crucial conversation:

1. Start with Heart – What is the desired result from this conversation? What exactly is at stake? You have to ask yourself these questions to determine how important this conversation is to you and your career. Knowing what is at stake going into the conversation will help you stay true to your convictions.

2. Learn to Look – Be on the lookout for a lack of mutual purpose. Continuously ask yourself whether you are leading the conversation with dialogue or defensiveness. And if you or the other party strays toward the latter, protect your conversation from going downhill with an expression like “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue” or “I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to force my ideas on you.”

3. Make it Safe – When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it more comfortable. Ask a question and show interest in others’ views. Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief “time out” can help restore safety when things get dicey.

4. Master your Story – Retrace your path to find out what facts are behind the story you’re telling. When you have the facts on your side, it’s hard to deny your argument.

5. State your Path – Share your facts and conclusions in a way that will make the other party feel safe telling their story, too.

6. Explore Others’ Path – A dialogue allows you to actively inquire about the other party’s views. Now that you both understand each other, you can emphasize which parts you agree upon and the areas in which you differ.

7. Move to Action – Come to a consensus about what will happen, document who does what by when and settle on a way to follow up.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Peter.

Hi Niyata,

I would use the Broken Record Technique on him. This will do two things. One, it will nullify or cancel out any put downs he gives you. And two, it will show him that he’s not talking about the subject at hand.

Example:

Him: “Do you even have knowledge!”
You: “Yes, actually, I have plenty of knowledge.”
Him: “No, I don’t think you do!”
You: “Yes, I have knowledge.”

Repeat back like a broken record until he stops. Don’t argue, fight back, or defend.

Other examples:

Him: “Don’t even open your cracking mouth.”
You: “I will open my mouth whenever I want to. Don’t swear.”
Him: “You’re a !@#$!”
You: “I am not a !@#$. Don’t swear.” (Repeat as needed. Monotone voice)

Him: “You underestimate people.”
You: “I disagree.” (Repeat as needed)

Him: “You are so ignorant.”
You: “I’m the opposite.” (Repeat as needed)

Him: “You don’t know anything about the music industry.”
You: “I have been part of the industry.” (Repeat)

This is very effective. I brought someone to tears once because I would not let them put me down and was calm. They were afraid to speak to me, but when the did years later I was treated with the UTMOST respect! Not fake respect, but almost revered.

Good Luck,

Inky

Dear Niyata:

I wish I could hear you sing. Glad you are working on being assertive!

I misunderstood: the ending of the conversation with the guy was him telling you that YOU have issues? I thought he said that HE had issues, and in so saying, had an honest spark that could be inviting for a future interaction.

If he said that you have issues, and that is how he chose to end his offense, then, my goodness, why have any other interactions with him? No reason to invite discord, unpleasantness and abuse into one’s life.

anita