Dear XenopusTex:

It is a good thing the woman, the mother of a young daughter, is not available to date you. I strongly believe it will be very wrong for you to be involved in parenting a child, be it your natural child or one by marriage.

I would like you to have a loving relationship with a woman, only not with a woman who is also a mother to a minor child, or who intends to be one.

I state this because you believe that a child does not have a value. When you wrote that you believe children have potential value, that means, maybe they WILL have value later.

No, no, no: you are wrong, XenopusTex. You are still suffering from not having been valued as a child, just for being. You are still suffering… Please do not pass this suffering on. You told the story that your grandfather called you “worthless” the very last time you saw him. Remember?

Don’t pass this legacy on to another child.

At this point, you are breaking my heart, XenopusTex. I mean it: the coldness in your heart, for yourself and for others- I can feel it, that ice.

Write me more, I need some time to recover.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

I will clarify: a child is valuable because a child starts loving- a child will do anything to be loved by the parent/ care takers. The child looks up to the adult with nothing but love. The only true unconditional love is that of a child to a parent. Really, no matter who the parent is, the child will love the parent. The child trusts the parent. Again, no matter how untrustworthy the parent may be. A child who looks up to his parent with unconditional love, complete trust is a worthy child and all children are loving and trusting. Therefore all are worthy.

You were such child. This woman’s child is worthy as well. If you dated and married her, being a father figure to that child and treated the child as worthless, you will be a bad father figure, abusive and damaging to the child. It wouldn’t matter to the child how much money you make, what higher education degree you hold, how many hours you worked and how many people you put away to protect society.

The man she is dating may (I hope) value the child and so, he would be a better option.

In fact ANYONE who valued the child would be a better choice than you as you don’t value the child.

You asked: “Why is it “cold” to not believe in any such enhanced value?” Don’t you feel the coldness of your own life- you described that coldness in so many words over time, the experience of your own life! And it started when you were a child, not valued.

Regarding dogs (the beginning of your last post)- they do trust their owner and they do love their owner unconditionally, no matter who the owner is- just like children. And so they are valuable.

Love, that reaching out to be loved, that willingness to love, this is what makes a child worthy. With harsh childhoods many lose that loving nature: many of the defendants in your courtroom as well as their prosecutor- you.

And so, loving nature absent, you… are as worthy as some of the defendants you prosecute.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

You measure human value in terms of usefulness to society. Therefore, a child has a potential value- if he becomes a useful-to-society person then he WILL have value some day. If he become useless and harmful to society then, he will be of no value. According to your understanding, a whole lot of people are worthless: children until they prove otherwise, people who are uneducated, have jobs that are not clearly helping society… the unemployed, those living off the grid, not to mentioned the handicapped. In your mind, the great majority of people are of no value, not only the criminals.

The way you view human worth leaves you a very “lonely, bitter, tired, and jaded” man because there are only a few people like you, worthy humans, in a sea of worthless humans.

Let’s look at what makes you worthy in your own mind: your job is one, being “pretty good at what (you) do”

Whenever you put away, in prison, a person who is harmful to society, you are indeed being useful, preventing that individual from further harming others. True.

But what is the usefulness in protecting a society of mostly worthless people?

You wondered “what a ‘loving nature’ would do for (you)”-

It will take away your “lonely, bitter, tired, and jaded” life experience.

When you are as unloving, un-empathetic as you are, you are and will be a bad choice for any woman (and one with a child!), no matter how many people you put in prison and how much money you earn, and the fact that you pay taxes and follow the law.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

A better choice for women?

At the very beginning of my communication with you I stressed the need to be selective as to who we associate with, who we attempt to have a relationship with, and to evaluate the person over time.

It is not a good policy to be empathetic to anyone and everyone at all times. It would be exhausting, for one. To be empathetic to a person who hurts you or is likely to hurt you is unnatural and against your self interest. In nature, that would translate to suicide.

So always evaluate, at the beginning and during: who is this person?

Thing is, you, XenopusTex, are inclined to think the worst of any person. That inclination is bound to be in your way, to cloud and distort your evaluation of the people who although are imperfect, are not bad people.

Back to your question, I will modify it then: What would be a better choice for a good woman (one who is empathetic to you, kind to you, honest with you, reliable and trustworthy, and otherwise imperfect)?

A better choice for her would be a man who is empathetic to her, kind to her, honest with her, reliable and trustworthy, although otherwise imperfect.

Oh, I forgot, the value topic: got to value the woman you get involved with; if you don’t value her, don’t get involved with her at all. And the value needs to be not for her occupation but for her empathy, kindness, honesty, reliability and trustworthiness.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

I didn’t know that any of the women told you that you weren’t good enough…? I thought you were late to the last date with the second woman, and she became involved with another. The first woman was not emotionally available to anyone, from my reading about her behavior.

As far as empathy- it shouldn’t be something to try and see if it works, a mean to an end. And besides, it may very well be that although you felt empathy for the two, you may not have expressed it and it didn’t get communicated. You may have that stern look, that rough look about you and the empathy didn’t come through.

Till your next post-

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

Regarding the second woman, I remember very well that you didn’t ask her for her cell phone number and then, you were very, very busy at work. You didn’t contact her for a long time. So she may not have gotten involved with the other man because she thought he was a better man but because he was AVAILABLE. You stated yourself that you are busier than you would like because other people take personal time and you fill in for them, and that he was one of those people!

Your second paragraph above is about how she could interpret you being late to the date with her (before you told her of the reason when you did show up)- your late arrival in combination with not asking for her phone number and not trying to contact her day after day and week after week (was it?) would translate to me a lack of motivation and/ or availability. Either lack of motivation or availability means the same thing- no hope there.

As to the rest of your last post, none of it changes my points above, in this very post to you. There is no Mr. justice-in-the-sky who will give you relationship points for being overly busy and for having an unpredictable schedule or for other people not doing their share of work. No credit. Fact is: you are unavailable for a relationship, that is all that matters in regard to you not having a relationship.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

Irony? I don’t know: I think I just stated the facts as I see them. I like facts, reality, the bare-minimum of what things are about.

About you being concerned about being pushy- my goodness, you were the farthest thing possible from being pushy. The way I read your posts at the time, you were pushing, only not in her direction, but in the opposite direction.

Till your next post-

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

On my walk, after posting to you yesterday, I realized what you meant by the irony comment. Congratulations for asserting yourself at work, telling people you didn’t have time to meet them!

And this woman you mentioned, the third woman then: a law enforcement family and one engaged in analytical chemistry reads fitting to me, fitting you (you are definitely analytical, scientific, just-the-facts kind of a person and one who adheres to law personally and professionally).

And she shows interest in you. Are you going to do anything about this third woman?

anita