Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Thoughts from a cell phone bill
- This topic has 82 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by XenopusTex.
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September 23, 2016 at 7:46 am #115992XenopusTexParticipant
Nina:
I am not good at relaxing. Usually don’t sleep long or particularly well. Melatonin, antihistamines, chamomile tea, etc. may help me get to sleep, but usually still groggy and grouchy in the morning. I frequently dream about work, and even while currently on “vacation” away from the office, my mind still wanders there. While I don’t recall dreams every night, based on what I remember, would be comfortable saying that I dream about work probably 2/3 or more of the time. I don’t recall having many, if any, “happy” dreams. Most of them are dark and frantic paced. Sometimes, they are set in utterly stark bleak surroundings, which are generally locations I am familiar with, but which are in a condition that would fit right in with dystopian post-apocalyptic settings.
I remember my first trip up to Regina, SK back in ~2012 or 2013. Was actually enjoyable and relaxing, decided to experience various things about the city. On the second time I was up there, I encountered some EMT’s in a fast-food restaurant, and noticed they were wearing body armour. My opinion of the city went from nice to “interesting” pretty fast at that point, EMT’s needing body armour seemed to be more of a probably that would be at home in Chicago than Regina, SK. Needless to say, that didn’t improve my outlook on humanity. That first trip was probably the last time I was “relaxed” for any significant period of time.
For shorter periods of time, I’m probably most relaxed when I’m out hunting. Don’t do it often, but it requires complete concentration on your target(s).
September 23, 2016 at 9:34 am #116003XenopusTexParticipantKath:
For a long period of time, several members of my family considered me to be worthless. You probably think this is terrible, but, they are dead, and I really don’t miss them. That’s probably what has pushed me to be the person in the office who tries the most cases, etc.
As I said in another thread, I have watched intrafamily relationships, and what I see in my line of work. Most of what I see are situations of utter failure of relationships between people.
I will have to think about the rest.
September 23, 2016 at 10:20 am #116009AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
It is my understanding, starting with your previous thread and your posts here and elsewhere that you indeed suffered a miserable childhood, and you still suffer from injuries done to you, for one by your grandfather whose last words to you were that you were worthless.
Your view of people throughout your writings is that people are worthless, not worthy of empathy or respect, not your empathy and not your respect.
For you, XenopusTex, we are all like those defendants you mention in your posts: lazy, dishonest, unreliable, sleazy (etc. etc.) pieces of ^%*(.
I don’t think any one of us humans has a chance to make a meaningful, empathetic, respectful connection with you, not online and not in your day to day life.
Seems to me that part of you thinks that it is you who is the exception, that you are after all The One and only human who is worthy because you work so hard, being busy-busy-busy. Your motivation, your fun, your peace of mind is in choosing a target and shooting- literally doing so with your collection of guns and in hunting, and otherwise aiming at criminal defendants and sending them to prison.
anita
September 23, 2016 at 1:47 pm #116040XenopusTexParticipantAnita, do I really come across as that hostile? On cell phone so not terribly equipped to type.
September 23, 2016 at 2:18 pm #116048AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Yes, you do. You do come across that hostile. Better word it this way: you are that hostile.
(Although the XenopusTex boy-inside is a loving and lovable child that is still, in his own, albeit hostile way, is still… reaching out for love, for acceptance and approval. And I am more than willing, in this context here, to give that to that boy that you are, still)
anita
September 23, 2016 at 4:03 pm #116063KathParticipantYup, you do come across like that.
Ever heard about the inner critic, or, corresponding to that, the outer critic?
There is some great work on that (and how to deal with it) by Pete Walker, and a lot of it is freely accessible on his website, like this article:http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf
Just the abstract:
“This article describes childhood trauma’s role in creating an intimacy-destroying, toxic outer critic – a counterpart of the self esteem-destroying inner critic described in my article: “Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD”. The outer critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self. It perseverates about the unworthiness [imperfection] and treacherousness [dangerousness] of others to avoid emotional investment in relationships for fear they will replicate early parental betrayals.
The outer critic builds fortresses of isolation whose walls are enumerations of the exaggerated shortcomings and potential treacheries of others. In an awful irony, the critic attempts to protect us from abandonment by scaring us further into it…”Might wanna look into that.
September 23, 2016 at 10:37 pm #116105XenopusTexParticipantKath, interesting read. While I don’t agree with all of it, there was some interesting material in the document. I am not, for example, worried about getting mugged walking down the street. I frequently carry weaponry as I am authorized to do, but have also gotten a variety of threats to myself, my staff, and even other attorneys outside of the office. Don’t think that such is an overreaction to an outer critic when somebody says flat out that they will blow your head off if given the opportunity.
That having been said, there is material in there that I will have to study and review.
September 24, 2016 at 2:20 am #116116Nina SakuraParticipantXenopus,
I sense a lot of pain within you – work has given meaning to things, helped you cope and escape but has it really healed things for you? Your view about the world is skewed from the start thanks to negative experiences, your mind is suspicious of others – if they are spontaneous and even if they aren’t. The world you see more than half of your day is one where the most messed up people come and it just gives you reinforcement for what you already hold true anyway. Part of you wants to break free and yet you don’t because you have never seen the gentler, emotional side of things – unconditional love at its best. I wonder if you think it actually exists?
I know i might be sounding like one of those dreamer types but i do have one question to ask you – are you really happy or even peaceful from inside? Everyone has their own demons but have you really dealt with yours?
Endless work, critique, a negative view-point, warrior-like stances – all very useful in the profession but are they the entire story in your life? Have you wondered why you can’t sleep peacefully still? Where do you want your life to be 10 years from now non-professionally?
Ask yourself these questions sometimes.
Regards,
NinaSeptember 24, 2016 at 10:31 pm #116167XenopusTexParticipantGuessing that I probably come across as too edgy to date.
I have sat down and laid out a few objectives for the coming years, now working on how to get there. One of the things is that I’d like to get married. I know there’s nothing magical about marriage, but it does represent a bundle of rights and creates the bizarre legal fiction of two becoming one.
I have also starting looking at how I got to where I am.
Going to be traveling for a few days, so posts might look a little strange (hate typing on a cellphone).
September 25, 2016 at 8:45 am #116186AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Your objective is to get married in the coming few years. Plan the way to achieve this objective- the ways to not achieve it when you meet women you find interest in are:
1. Ignore a woman, not asking for her phone number, not attending to a woman (similar to not starting your posts here with a name of the person you are writing to as well as not attending to the content of what a respondent wrote to you).
2. Be late to a date (as you have been): don’t commit to a date when there is a reasonable chance of courthouse proceedings spilling over expected times.
3. Get caught up in the woman’s minor “faults” (too short was one you mentioned before)
4. Give up too soon (seeing a woman having lunch with another man)anita
September 25, 2016 at 9:32 am #116198XenopusTexParticipantAnita, one do that things with schedules is that you never know in this line of work whether court is going To take 30 minutes or hours. Have seen things that should be done in minutes take hours and the reverse too. It is only when it inconveniences the judge that things get shut down.
Not sure how to to handle those situations.
September 25, 2016 at 9:56 am #116199AnonymousGuestXenopusTex: then make a date with a woman for a time when the courthouse is closed.
anitaSeptember 25, 2016 at 5:03 pm #116240SeaislandParticipantOn Sept 23–you actually took a moment to ask anita if u really came across as that hostile…sounded like for a brief second it sunk in that—u actually cared what she thought, I almost thought u were going to “get it” u have in my opinion-taken advantage of countless hours she has spent counseling and thinking about your problems. You do not even thank her for her time—do you realize how long your post on “scratching” was. You seem to value your time and energy so much….do u value the time or opinion of anyone u ask for help from?
Geez–get a clue if u are that smart–look at the post, see that person took the time to try to help you—did u even notice how many times it was anitas name. and I am sorry anita–I know u don’t expect anyone to invade your space and u can handle yourself–but I saw small then glaring signals u were trying to tell him–he wasn’t paying any attention to your time.
I am thru–I have been reading for months-and finally had to say something.September 25, 2016 at 6:14 pm #116243XenopusTexParticipantAnita, interesting idea. Figured that lunch dates were a little less formal than dinner dates. Really thought I was good on the timing with a second woman. That taught me to double check on the time.
September 25, 2016 at 7:59 pm #116255AnonymousGuest* Dear seaisland: thank you, you are a sweetheart!!!
Dear XenopusTex:
You can have a non formal dinner date (when the courtroom is closed!), one in a casual restaurant, a diner perhaps.
anita
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