​Hi. I’m wondering if I could get some advice here.

He and I met when we were in our 20’s. We fell in loved and our difference in culture didn’t seem like such a problem at that time​ – in fact, it appeared to be the one thing that attracted us to each other​. After graduation, I gave up my family and friends​ in Asia​, also the possibility of better prospects to move ​to be ​with him (in a little city​ in the Mediterranean Sea​) so that he can look after his ailing father and be with his people. Fast forward 10 years, his father ​passed away and we tried hard to have a baby. We had in-vitro and it was tough. Our baby was born into what I’d call “a very wanted and much loving family”. ​I thought we loved each other so much. For him, I learnt the language, learn to live like them, struggled racism, loneliness and all. But I was happy. Because I was having a loving family. I tried to integrate and made my living there. It was tough but ​after seven years, I thought I/we did well.

​After the birth of our daughter, things weren’t easy. Every time she falls sick I fell ill too. I thought we were simply going through what young parents do. Plus his family, although loving, weren’t very hands-on with children let alone a 2 month pre-mature baby and so we were pretty much left on our own. My parents, on the other hand, are very doting and hands-on, able to actually provide physical help. This we learnt from the visits we did back to my city.

And with each visit back to my place, we discussed and decided to finally make the move back to my city. It’d be better for our child too he said. It was actually his suggestion and I was over the moon. I didn’t believe it at first but he went ahead with the application for permanent residency and all, and I told my family and friends whom were so happy.

Upon returning back to his city, we started preparing for our move. It was suggested that I quite my job and dedicate full time to looking after our toddler (whom by then was almost 18 months old) and for the preparation of our relocation. I was so happy and planning, and writing up list of things to do before our departure.

Alas things weren’t quite what it seemed apparently. He suddenly became really tired all the time and depressed. Having known this man for almost a decade, I put it down to his summer depression (because his father died during the summer 6 years back and during this time he always goes into this dark place and became really quiet). He does get better though but this time round, it didn’t. This went on for a month.

Then he came home one day and simply said that he no longer loves me, that he is tired of me being always ill and that he cannot see himself looking after me since my health will only get worse and not better. He asked that I pack my stuff and that of our toddler’s to leave as soon as possible otherwise he will commit suicide he thinks.

I was terrified. Terrified that he’d do something silly and also that I didn’t have any help with our feverish daughter. In the midst of tears and shock, I packed whatever I owed into two luggage whilst he arranged for two tickets and sent us off to the airport to board the plane with our teething, fever running daughter. I begged him not to do that. That our daughter was too young to travel whilst sick. I asked to go counselling but he said he needed time away from me. I swear that I was almost going insanely worried on the plane because I was afraid if anything happened to my baby there’d be nothing I could do. Looking back I wonder why I allowed myself to leave…why did I take the risk. I couldn’t understand what happened except that our toddler needed me and my instinct told me I must be able to provide and I couldn’t without his help there so I left. I was heartbroken.

Fast forward 4 months down the road, I found a job in my city but I couldn’t do more since I’m living like a single mum. It’s also a new city to me since I haven’t lived in it for almost 2 decades. He called to FaceTime his daughter every weekend but apart from that, totally cut me off with no communication at all.

I do not know whether I’m still in shock or am simply numb with pain. But I cannot for the life of me understand what it is that we cannot talk it out. He is so angry at me. He said I’m this very nasty person and all. We used to write, discuss and even message each other. We hardly even quarreled. I considered him my soul mate and just a week before he dropped the bomb that we just had a wonderful night out just he and I. We only celebrated our wedding anniversary recently. He sounded so positive but it wasn’t all true. I am devastated, and feel so silly that I didn’t see any warning.

I’m trying to get over this frustration of thinking why, why, and why. I pride myself in being intelligent but I’ve been so silly. And even after it all happened, I’m having difficulty to think the man I honored and loved has betrayed me like this. He sent all my belongings packed in rubbish bags into boxes and Fedex to me, without warning that I was going to have my entire belongings all in one shot. And to make matter worse, I’ve found out that his mother was all the more happier knowing that at least her son will stay with her.

I was told that I couldn’t integrate into his culture. That because I’m who I am, he cannot lead a normal Mediterranean lifestyle. That I don’t have family support there so it is very tough for him…and that he even wrote a long letter telling me we’ve always been wrong together and that we are oil and water right from the start. After spending over a decade with him and this is what he says when we’ve been through so much to have our daughter?

I know that life goes on. And that I want to be happy for my daughter so that she gets the happy me instead. Physically I’m strong I know I can take it. Mentally I know it’s only a matter of time that I’ll get over this pain too. But I’m afraid of what’s going to happen next. I’m so afraid that not only has he chased me out of a place I called home for almost a decade, he may fight for the custody of our child. This constant fear that is hovering above me is driving me crazy.

I’ve already filed for a divorce, and simply afraid of what’s going to happen next. The ball is in my court to force it or not. No lawyer can help me on that. I know I gotta be ready to fight. But do I have to fight? With the father of my child? I was willing to give him everything. I didn’t want any alimony even though things are tough now. I have my earning power and do not want any pity from anyone. But I want my share to go to our daughter. She deserves to have what’s mine. But I’m afraid I cannot fight the man I once loved and may lose my child instead. The man I once loved is no longer a man I could predict or even know.

I’m so lost and frightened. Please help. He has already said and done things whereby the damages done were beyond repair. Even if I want to, it seems so silly to trust a man like this. He displayed all the symptoms of a man in midlife crisis. But knowing this doesn’t help.

• This topic was modified 10 years ago by S3r3nity.