fbpx
Menu

Thought I had it all..but then I lost it overnight

HomeForumsRelationshipsThought I had it all..but then I lost it overnight

New Reply
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #68494
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Im sorry I dont have the life experience to be able to guide you but I read this and wanted to send you my warmest thoughts and hugs. What you went through and are going through is absolutely heartbreaking and traumatic. I know that no matter what, you will get past the fear, the pain, the brokenness and heal. Your love little girl has a strong mother and you have her and your family to look after each other.

    I cant even imagine why he said and did all that he did…such a coward. Whatever his problem might be, abandoning your family is low. You deserve better, your daughter deserves so so much more. You can give that to her – no doubt about that.

    Use your wisdom and your head to guide your actions, your heart is broken and that along with your soul needs healing. Use your head to protect yourself and to progress to the next phase.

    Keep us posted. Warmth all the way to you.
    Lily.

    #68498
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hello,

    First of all, congratulations on doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. Depression is an illness and when you are that low it is easy to delude yourself into blaming certain things as the cause of your depression, i.e. you and your daughter. Perhaps he started to believe the racial prejudice that you faced and bravely overcame. Either way, the only thing that I see you could do is to encourage him to seek help, which it seems you did. You cannot do anymore than that, don’t blame yourself one bit or take on responsibility for how he is feeling, it’s not your fault! Please know this! You can’t persuade him or force him to think differently, no amount of logical reasoning will work against such a person, it will likely just make things worse. The only person ultimately that can make him change is himself.

    A word of caution, I have little doubt that there will come a time in the not so distant future when he will start to miss you and may make demands for you to come back to him or similar. I won’t say not to do this, but be very careful! Do not drop everything if and when the time comes just to be with him again even if he says he’s completely changed and he is so sorry etc. Basically, be careful about making any large investments in him straight away, he may just throw it back in your face shortly after. Your love for him may well make you want to give it all up for him to return back to the way things were, be very careful please! If he ever does wish to see you again then you could always just make a low level investment such as visiting him (for a holiday), it you decide this is right for you. But whatever you do, put yourself and your life and you daughter first, which you are already doing so I don’t need to tell you this, I’m just reminding you so that you remember to remember this if he comes calling you back, because the temptation will be so strong due to your past love.

    Anyway, you really are a great example. I am proud of you for managing to establish, independently, a good life for yourself and your daughter under such circumstances, you are a very strong person.

    Don’t worry, being frightened is OK, it’s natural in such a testing situation. Just know that you are doing the right thing and consequently things will keep getting better for you, it just takes time. The only thing I can say that might help you practically is that whenever you start thinking about the past and your husband and worries, immediately switch your thoughts to your daughter and the life you want to provide for the two of you. Thoughts are unbelievably powerful, the more you think about what is good in your life, the better your life will get, I promise. Try it, you will see…

    All the best,

    Ben.

    #68502
    Inky
    Participant

    This could be anything from a midlife crisis to mental illness. You expressed fears that he could fight for custody? Well, nothing creates distance like distance. I would make him come to your country to visit, I would not go there. Also, I wouldn’t force a divorce yet because things could come to a head with custody. Maybe when she’s a teenager she could go to school where he is and have a relationship with him (when he is much less likely to go after full custody and when she’s old enough to fly home if she wants to!).

    Some men are like this. You think everything’s fine and then they drop a bomb. I’m sorry you went through this. At least you have your daughter! He could also just as easily change his mind, so be wary!

    #68529
    S3r3nity
    Participant

    I’m grateful for the replies to my message and feel very comforted by them. It gives me hope that Lily you will reach out to me simply to send a kind message to a person you do not know. Inky, your message has gone straight to the point with warnings and advices of which I will heed. Very helpful indeed. And my very special heartfelt thanks AikiBen. Your message is one that touches me most. I am so doubtful of myself at the moment and your words are more than comforting. The words have given me the courage to go on. I’m unsure whether I’m doing anything right at all anymore. And your affirmation has helped so much.

    I will not return to his city. Essentially I’ve been kicked out of my own home. I read on the internet, on various forums, partners whom abandon their family left the house, not kick the wife and child out. This is something I cannot pardon. I’ve tried to be matured about this. Whenever he calls to FT his daughter, I was always friendly. I don’t need to try. I just don’t want to go down the “anger route” and be bitter about it. My family does not understand. He said he wanted to come visit his daughter, which he did. I facilitated the bookings of his hotel room, which annoyed some of my friends even. My mother and some friends cannot understand why I could remain on “friendly terms” with him. For me, he is the father of my child. I must be cordial. I got to be above all this I kept telling myself.

    He visited for two weeks in Sep, during which we sent our child to school like any parents would do. I introduced him to the childcare teachers, they were surprised that we behaved so “normally”. We weren’t nasty to each other. I tried to be nice and gracious, but it hurt.

    When we had breakfast together (I took a few mornings off from work), I told him I’m ready for a divorce and had prepared the papers. He said it’s not his priority. He looked and behaved so defiantly. As if I’m the one at fault. I felt I am the one that is entirely to be blamed for everything but I know I’m not. When things like that happens, two parties are to be responsible. I’m not a saint. I know I had made mistakes. I was critical and had high expectations. I only go to him because I didn’t have any other support apart from him and that stifled him. But I feel he could’ve talked to me. He said he did, but I was headstrong and didn’t listen. I know my fault is that I’ve made him feel he couldn’t communicate with me. But I see no reason why it has to come to such a drastic end. For him to cut me off from one day to another so suddenly. Am I really that horrible a person?

    Anyway, he said he wanted me to sponsor his residency to come to my city. He’s “still thinking” whether he wants to stay in my city or around my city. But he is sure that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. For me, this is so bad. Because on one hand I don’t want our child to be without a father, on the other, I want to move on and heal but I can’t. Not with him bouncing in and out of my life. I told him I’d help him. I sponsored his application for residency. I know my actions are contradicting to what I’m logically thinking and saying. I’m simply hoping that with time, I will be more clear-headed.

    Apart from feeling scared, I am feeling so lost. I feel weak. I wish to let things run its own course. I believe time will make things clearer. But in the meanwhile, I’m all over the place. There is still never a day I don’t wake up thinking of the man I used to loved. I know he’s changed. But there’s part of me that things depression isn’t his fault either. I’m babbling on…I’m not making any sense (sigh)..!

    He left for his city right after. And since then until now, it’s only FT between his daughter and him and I’m the “invisible facilitator”. I look at my career, which has come to a complete standstill. I’m getting nowhere but I must provide for our child. I’m afraid if anything happens to me she will be alone.

    I’m lost. If only I’ve got a crystal ball to look into the future…Thank you so much for “hearing me out”.

    #68531
    Inky
    Participant

    Stop helping him. Welcome him into the house to visit with your daughter but don’t act like his travel agent/secretary/sponsor.

    #68538
    S3r3nity
    Participant

    I ought not to annoyed him Inky, in case he wants to fight for the custody which is what I’m most fearful of. Our child was born in his city, I’m only a resident there and not a citizen. In case this goes to the court there, I’m afraid I’m at a disadvantage. Sounds like an excuse I know, but I am truly afraid.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.