Christina,

Modern schools often don’t help some folks, especially when their expertise isn’t analytical intelligence. Said differently, school or online, dropout or not, your intelligence is profound and unique. Especially with the other issue you brought up, consider that perhaps you have lots and lots of emotional intelligence, for which public schools are often nightmarish.

The second problem is a little more pressing I’m guessing. Consider that there is a mixture of things going on. Sometimes when we do not feel confident in ourselves, we don’t feel the strength to just say what we feel and let the chips fall. So, we hint about our desires, imply about our needs, whisper our feelings. This can lead us to assume others also dont speak their mind, and we over-grasp at the others’ words… projecting from our fearful feelings into their words and actions, making them all about us, fearing they’re “hinting” or trying to “tell us something” that they can’t just come out and say for any number of fantastical reasons. All garbage, all unneeded. Just little thorns our hearts gather as we dance among the world.

When they accumulate, such as being around a large group of people and getting a little lost in the flow, later when we’re alone, they can decompress like little lightning bolts. Our emotions begin to unwind (such as fear settling), and as they do all sorts of thoughts come along with them. It can lead to “oh, sheesh, was all that about me?!?” Zappy zappy.

The solution is actually a few things. First, because you have such a deep empathy, a rich heart, its important to protect your tender spaces with self love. Be kind to yourself, gentle with yourself, as though you’re guiding a newborn kitten. Take baths, listen to music that sings to your heart, whatever you find self nurturing, make sure you do plenty of that. My favorite is metta meditation, which is like a refreshing glass of water to a thirsty heart. Not only does it stabilize our mind, but it also keeps our love flowing outward. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. Don’t be afraid to cry.

Second, you’ll have to accept that other people don’t know you better than you know yourself. That’s just insecurity, from being a heartfelt person in an abundantly mental world. There’s nothing wrong with a mind that clicks slower (if it even does) because this allows the heart to grow stronger, which is where all the magic of living really comes from anyway. So, if they say “you should be like this” hinting or directly, don’t let their pressing inside. Its not about you. Instead, pour your love back toward them. “I love you and your pressing into me, say what you will, I will hug you at the end.” It doesn’t have to be out loud or anything, but the basic posture is there.

Finally, consider looking for some like minded people. Meditation groups, yoga groups, artists… there are lots of folks out there that understand empathy and sensitivity to subtler energies, and if you can find some peers that are more in tune with that kind of thing, you might find some light and connection. Said differently, from what you’ve said, you come across as an empath. Someone who picks up on the feelings and egos (and sometimes thoughts, perhaps) of the people around you. This can be disorienting, until you connect with some others. Then it will all start to make sense, and you will be able to see more clearly how much of a superhero you actually are.

Namaste, dear sister, may your mind learn to trust your heart.

With warmth,
Matt