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December 11, 2022 at 9:04 am #411715
TaurusBelle95ParticipantI’m 27 and I’ve always attracted unavailable men. They have never wanted to claim me or be committed to me. My first intimate relationship at 14 with a guy from school was exactly that, he just used me for sexual pleasure but never wanted a relationship. The same thing happened with another guy at 16 and we started a friend’s with benefits relationship for 4 years before I called it off. At 20 years old I started working professionally and of course I attracted a guy at the office who had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t tell me about and I had to go snooping to find evidence. After him it’s just been the same story over and over again but different guy.
The most recent guy that I have fell for is the same, he was chasing after me at work constantly flirting and eventually I gave in and went back to his place after he invited me. Things seemed too good to be true and I fell for him, I knew he had a baby because he had her as his WhatsApp profile photo but there was no mention of a girlfriend involved and I should have asked but he gave me no reason to ask. I thought they might have separated as there was no trace of her on his social media accounts. Plus I gave him plenty of opportunities to confess but he didn’t slip or mention her whatsoever.
One night he fell asleep and somehow I managed to get his phone. It was locked but on a iPhone if you swipe right on the locked screen it will show photos from your photo album and the people you have most recently messaged. I saw the photos and my heart sunk 😔 I then saw the name in the most recently contacted and I went through his Facebook account to find her, I clicked onto her profile and it was private of course but her profile picture was of her and their baby so that confirmed that she was who I thought she was.
That was about 5 months that I found out about her and I have not seen the guy since, mainly because he lives in another country and he works away! But since then I have managed to gain insight into the girlfriends private Instagram account and she posts somewhat loving pictures of them on her Instagram, the typical family photos, nothing really of just them two, mainly just them and the child and the odd couple posts. Through following her Instagram, I learned that they got married too, again nothing on his socials! You would think he was a single man by looking at his social media. He used to post regularly until he met her, she fell pregnant very quickly after they met, she is maybe 3/4 years older than him and honestly I don’t think he loves her.
Anyway, the point of this very long post is to ask why can’t I let him go? Why can’t I stop thinking about them being a family? He is 35 and I’m 27 like I mentioned and I look at the photos and I am constantly comparing my life to theirs, even though I know it might not be what it seems as it’s just a still image or a short video posted online. I have been feeling so low and depressed comparing myself to his girlfriend, it sounds really sad and crazy but I’ve gone deep into researching her life, I know everything there is to know and it’s scary that this information is available on the web but I just needed to know why I wasn’t good enough! I would never do anything crazy and the craziest thing I would do is tell her he has cheated and still is probably cheating because even though they are married, he still sends me naked pictures of himself through WhatsApp!
I feel terrible and disgusted in myself that I am still allowing myself to have contact with him but for some reason I just can’t seem to let him go! He doesn’t know that I follow his now wife as I used a different fake account but if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t know half the stuff I know about him now. The question is how do I move on from this? It’s like I look on her Instagram and I desperately want to be her, even if they are struggling and he works abroad every 2-3 months and stays home for 2 months and goes away again? I still want to be her and have that open connection with him even though I know he isn’t faithful:( How do I learn to want better for myself? I have tried deleting the Instagram and the longest I’ve lasted is 2 weeks, the constant thoughts of what she was posting was killing me and I wanted to know even if it would hurt me!
Please help me understand why I am feeling this way 🙁 it’s gotten to the point where I am not even appreciating my family because I compare what she has family wise to what I don’t have!
December 11, 2022 at 10:12 am #411721
AnonymousGuestDear TaurusBelle95:
You shared that at 14, a boy in school used you “for sexual pleasure but never wanted a relationship“, from ages 16-20, you had a friends with benefits relationship with another guy (although you wanted more), at 20 you were involved unknowingly with a married man, and after him “it’s just been the same story over and over again but different guy“, including the recent guy (35) who you (27) found out had a girlfriend while being with you.
“Things seemed too good to be true and I fell for him”. It’s been 5 months since you found out that he had a girlfriend (now wife). You haven’t seen him in these five months (he works in a different country), but he sends you naked photos of himself.
“I have been feeling so low and depressed comparing myself to his girlfriend, it sounds really sad and crazy but I’ve gone deep into researching her life, I know everything there is to know and it’s scary that this information is available on the web but I just needed to know why I wasn’t good enough!… The question is how do I move on from this? It’s like I look on her Instagram and I desperately want to be her… Please help me understand why I am feeling this way“-
– it seems to me that your focus on this woman is fueled by your desire to be #1 in a man’s life, and that being #1 in a man’s life feels “too good to be true“. It is not a revolutionary idea that it is often the case that what we predominantly experience as children, we continue to experience as adults. I am guessing that as a child, you were not #1 in your family: hardly ever, or not at all?
anita
December 11, 2022 at 11:28 am #411724TaurusBelle95ParticipantHello Anita, I was born into a broken relationship, I never saw my parents in the same room and I was the product of a short term romance. I haven’t had my father in my life for maybe 21 years, I don’t have a stable relationship with him except seeing him post on Facebook or the odd message from him through WhatsApp but I was not number 1 in my fathers life growing up no.
It would mean a lot to me to be a man’s number one and to be finally chosen and respected, I look at her Instagram and crave for the family dynamics I see on there, even though I know he is being unfaithful.
I also have a problem of wanting to move away or live another life. The life I am living is not bad, I am financially stable, have a great job. The only things I would change is my own family dynamics such as the fact we aren’t close and that includes non immediate family members. I live in the same house as my mum, step dad and sister and we all stay in separate rooms on our rooms majority of the day. My stepdad in the living room downstairs, my little sister in her room in bed on her phone to her friends and my mum in bed in her room and then me in my room. This is how it’s been and it’s awkward to even think of us being a close knit family. We don’t argue or live in misery but the conversations are lacking. I’m always dreaming of belonging to a large family with culture and excitement. We don’t celebrate anything in my household as my mother is a Jehovah’s Witness so every holiday celebration stopped and my stepdad although not a Jehovah’s Witness stopped celebrating too out of respect for his wife.
Anyway, I just want to get out of my head and stop craving for a life I know nothing about, I’ve even gone as far as trying to learn Spanish as the guy I was most recently involved with is from Argentina and I wanted to learn so I could feel closer to him in a way!
I don’t know what to do, I mean I do and it’s obvious but why can’t I seem to just do it then?! Why do I crave a taken man so badly and for that I feel terrible but I wish he didn’t draw me in to just lie and deceive me!!
December 11, 2022 at 11:45 am #411727AnonymousGuestDear TaurusBelle95:
What you crave is what you don’t have and never had: a close family. I craved the same thing for so long, and I too lived in fantasy where I imagined emotional closeness, an experience much difference from the dreadful emotional isolation I lived in.
“Why do I crave a taken man so badly and for that I feel terrible but I wish he didn’t draw me in to just lie and deceive me!!“- you crave love/ emotional closeness, there is nothing wrong about craving closeness. Thing is, when it comes to my experience, even though I craved closeness, I was afraid of it at the same time. It may be that you are stuck on this unavailable guy and his girlfriend because you too fear what you crave. So in your situation, you keep craving and you keep safe distance (or you are forced to keep your distance) from what you crave. Does this make sense to you?
anita
December 11, 2022 at 12:07 pm #411731TaurusBelle95ParticipantYou are so right without me mentioning it ! I’ve always expressed that I’m scared of getting close to people because it scares me that they can just leave your life either by choice or death. It’s a terrifying thought to have and it’s stopped me building non romantic relationships with others because my thought process is always well what’s the point they will eventually get bored of me and leave like everyone else.
The situation with the guy and his girlfriend is just a weird and complex one that I wish I could wrap my head around. I know it seems weird to be prying into the lives of people I have no business with but at the same time scrolling through her Instagram feed and comparing my life to what I see she’s posted gives me nothing but pain but at the same time I can’t let go.
I’ve tried going on dating apps to try and get my mind off of him and potentially meet someone new but every guy I see does not look like him and I know that no one is going to look exactly like him but that’s the problem, I only want him and it feels like no one else will do. I just want to be completely happy and content with my own life rather than wishing for someone else’s.
December 11, 2022 at 12:22 pm #411732AnonymousGuestDear TaurusBelle95:
I want to reply to you further when I am more focused, which will probably be Monday morning (it is Sunday early afternoon here). Please add to your thread at any time before I return to your thread, as many times as you want, and I will read all and reply when I am back.
anita
December 12, 2022 at 7:14 am #411761AnonymousGuestDear TaurusBelle95:
“The situation with the guy and his girlfriend is just a weird and complex one that I wish I could wrap my head around… I’ve tried going on dating apps… and potentially meet someone new but every guy I see does not look like him and… I only want him and it feels like no one else will do“-
– if a child is separated from her parent and offered a new parent to make up for the old, no way the child will be happy with the exchange. The child will demand her old parent back, crying out in desperation: I only want him (or her), and no one else will do! I think that this guy, on a deep emotional level, represents to you a parent. His girlfriend or wife represents you. You want to be where she is (with him/ with your dad or mom)!
“I just want to be completely happy and content with my own life rather than wishing for someone else’s“- the idea of being completely happy and content in life is a child’s wishful thinking. No adult is able to experience complete happiness and contentment beyond a few moment or hours at the most (or a couple of days with particular drugs.. but those drugs lose their potency over time).
The idea of complete happiness is something that children imagine, and it feels real, because children need this powerful motivation (the motivation to live happily ever after) so to accomplish the massive tasks of learning and growing into successful adults.
“I knew he had a baby because he had her as his WhatsApp profile photo but there was no mention of a girlfriend… I learned that they got married too, again nothing on his socials! You would think he was a single man by looking at his social media… she fell pregnant very quickly after they met… honestly I don’t think he loves her… I was born into a broken relationship, I never saw my parents in the same room and I was the product of a short term romance“-
-I think that you got hooked on this guy because, like your father and mother, he too seems to be in a broken, or in about to be broken short term romance. relationship. This similarity caused you to project the image of your real-life father, or mother (or both).. into him.
anita
December 12, 2022 at 10:04 am #411765TaurusBelle95ParticipantHello Anita,
I’ve never been so grateful for a response in my life. You are the only one to ever explain how I am feeling in a way that completely makes sense and resonates with me and my upbringing.
Every second of every day is spent thinking about him or her and I so wish I could occupy my mind with something else! I’ve tried meditating to quiet my mind but nothing helps, I’ve tried so many things but I guess time is a healer and only time will tell. I’m 27 but I wish to be 37 because at least I know I hopefully will have gotten over this difficult situation and will have hopefully started my own family!
Do you think I should tell the wife what is going on?
December 12, 2022 at 10:25 am #411766AnonymousGuestDear TaurusBelle95:
You are very welcome. I wish that explaining things made it instantly a whole lot easier for you!
“Do you think I should tell the wife what is going on?“- good question. If you knew her, if you knew how she thinks and what she believes (do you have any such info?), then you could (and I could have helped you with it) figure out if it’s a good idea to tell her. Maybe the truth will help her. But if you don’t know her and she is a mother to a baby or a toddler- we don’t want a young mother to suffer more stress than she can handle, for her child’s sake. So, I’d say no.
” I’ve tried meditating to quiet my mind but nothing helps“- to stop thinking about him and her, you’ll need to let go of the dream to redo a bad childhood: grieving the childhood you had will help.
anita
December 12, 2022 at 11:55 am #411768TaurusBelle95ParticipantHi Anita, no I do not know her and I only know her through finding her Instagram and Facebook. She doesn’t even know that I exist. I will not tell her because it wouldn’t be coming from a place of genuine care for her or the toddler but from a place of hurt and jealousy and I would never want to inflict that pain onto another woman! What he is doing will come to light eventually if she doesn’t already know! Thankyou so much for your help and encouraging words ! I wish I could speak with you more but I’m afraid of wasting your time!
December 12, 2022 at 12:13 pm #411770AnonymousGuestDear TaurusBelle95:
You are welcome and you are NOT wasting my time. As a matter of fact, I am nursing a cold or the flu, or whatever it is, and I am staying home all .. day.. long, and it is only 12:13 pm here.
“I will not tell her..“- you are a good woman, I am impressed!
You will not be wasting my time at all. The opposite is true: reading from you and replying is a very good way to spend my time!
anita
December 12, 2022 at 1:15 pm #411773TaurusBelle95ParticipantHello Anita, it’s currently 21:09 here in Europe where I am and I’m lay in my mums bed filled with sadness and sorrow 🙁 feeling like I no longer wish to live as I feel nothing will fill this void or pain that I’m feeling. I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to be her, I feel although I have so much to look forward to and a full life ahead of me, nothing is good enough if he isn’t involved in my life.
I go to brush my hair or look good but then feel what’s the point as he won’t be able to appreciate my efforts. He used to compliment a certain fragrance that I used to wear & ever since he left my life I haven’t felt the need to wear it as again, he won’t be able to appreciate it. I just feel like nothing matters anymore unless he’s around and it’s worse as I have no friends and no support system hence why I’m on here.
I hope you aren’t feeling too sick with your cold and I hope you feel better soon
December 12, 2022 at 3:18 pm #411775AnonymousGuestDear TaurusBelle95:
You are 8 hours ahead of me (West Coast, USA). When I submit this, it will be 11:17 pm your time, somewhere in Europe.
“I lie in my mum’s bed filled with sadness and sorrow… I feel nothing will fill this void or pain that I’m feeling”- there is hardly any pain or sadness or sorrow when you no longer try to FILL this void. Let the void be void.
“I just feel like nothing matters anymore unless he’s around”- it’s only a feeling.
“it’s worse as I have no friends and no support system hence why I’m on here“- welcome to tiny buddha!
“I hope you aren’t feeling too sick with your cold and I hope you feel better soon“- thank you. I suppose, in line with my own words to you, I will not try to fill this void of health with… anything, and instead, I will just let it be.
anita
December 12, 2022 at 3:20 pm #411776AnonymousGuestclose… it was 11:18 pm, your time, when the above was submitted.
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