I am posting here for the first time…may be bcos i wan to let go of the heavy baggage m carrying…too heavy & m drained….m tired…
I haven’t had a happy childhood…i have grown seeing my parents not have a loving relationship….but they still were & are together….our financial state was very bad…i have grown seeing struggles….emotionally….mentally & financially….but things did change…we did grow…my parents although dint have a loving romantic relationship, maintained a decent companionship…with age, they understood the need of each other in their lives…may be bcos they are together for so long now…
I had a relationship in the past…n was completely into it…kind of madly into it…& one not so fine day everything seemed to end for no fault of mine…i was not even said y its all over…i was shattered…i did deserve to be told y its over…it was the most difficult time for me to get out of that emotional trauma…after spending 10-12hrs of each day with sum1, after sharing the smallest of things with sum1, after feeling completely secured, i was lost wen everything was over in the blink of an eye…i yearned…i tried…i tried hard…i tried harder…to bring back things to normal…to set everything right…without letting my ego cum in between…i never took a back seat in making the first move…but all of it in vain…i had to accept that its all over…i took me time…not days & months but years…it took me years to get back to the normal me…i did heal with time…but i also did change as a person…the healing process make me wiser…brought in a lot of patience…made me stronger than before…made me realize wat truly is valuable in life…taught me art of forgiving…& today i dnt have any hard feelings for him…he did wat he thought was right…i dnt hate him for wat ever he did cos I did truly luv him…but I no longer luv him either…it’s a neutral feeling…One main things tat helped me get over it was my work…in the process I became a workoholic (i still am)…work kind of keeps me well…n i moved on…
After all this I strongly thought I wud never again get into a relationship…bcos I was not strong enough to face all the pain again…& moving on with sum1 else kind of seemed impossible…but cuming from a society wherein woman who don’t get married are looked upon differently I realized tat what I was thinking was not practical for me…I started getting marriage proposals…& I was not ready to get into with sum1 I dnt even know…I am sum1 who doesn’t believe in the concept of arranged marriage…with absolutely no offence to any1 who believes in it…its just tat it doesn’t work for me…
After few years…in one of the official trips, i got to meet sum1…n yes, there was sum charm which i was attracted to…but tis time i was looking for sumthing that is 2 sided…it wasn’t easy for me to even think of getting into a relationship with him…but there was sum attraction…although we just met once during my trip, we continued to exchange chats once I was back…it was all going well…we both were clear that we would first ONLY get to know each other & then decide if things will work out between us…everything seemed to be nice & gud…until we had our first verbal spat…which took me by surprise…it wasn’t tat big an issue but I feel he blew it out of proportion…n yet again…I made the first move to solve things…after that, he kind of stopped the calls & chats…although not completely stopped, but drastically reduced…he has had a broken marriage & does not believe in virtual world…so everytime I used to let him know that we should spend time, he wud say, we should meet up & spend time cos this virtual thing is not giving us both a true picture of each other…although I was not convinced, I did put myself in his shoes & thought that he had a reason for believing so…& I still had hopes…one fine day I told him tat I would cum over to his place to meet him…& I was making genuine efforts to let things work…I wanted things to work…I did like him…I did think he is sum1 who values relationship….n there I go…to meet him…spend time wit him…speak with him….say the unsaid things….hear the unsaid things…it was a trip for 2 days…I was all excited…I was very eagerly waiting for the day…finally I reached…& the first day was good…he did not make any attempts to talk anything I thought he would…but I still remained to be patient…..but sumwhere I did feel tat he is not seeing/valuing all the efforts I had been putting in…tat night wen I returned to my hotel room, I did decide that I wud initiate the talk the next day…cos I did not want this trip to go for a waste…there came the second day…once again excited…& it did start well…I did initiate & say certain things I wanted to…& he too did say certain things…but then I found that he was not ready to be flexible…he kept saying “this is how it is, cant help it”…he was not ready to spend time with me once I return back to my place…oh yea because he doesn’t believ in this virtual world…but he was not talking to me wen I was physically present as well…how do we get to know each other if we dnt spend time in whatever ways possible…I was disturbed…at one point we both remained silent…for atleast an hour…I had my flight back that evening & time was just moving…I wanted time to pause…I wanted to let him kno that we should work out things…after an hour of silence, out of frustration I said that I had cum there for him…& what I got to hear in return took me again by a surprise…I was told that it was my decision to cum over…it was me who wanted to speak…then y don’t I speak…I was told many things…& I could not take it anymore…I could not take such harsh words wen I dint deserve that…I walked off…I left the place…I was in pain…terrible pain…he did call me couple times…I finally answered his call…& there was no apology…instead there were some real harsh words…words that r still echoing on my mind…& finally there was a single message he had left for me…wherein he told me that he realized whom he was running after…I could never understand when did he run after me…he never did….its been 2 weeks now…he never did try to reach me…I did send him an email a week back…because I did not want things to end this way…even if things don’t go any further, things should always end on a gud note…n as I already knew, he never responded…m hurt….i cant put in words the pain m experiencing…for a hyper sensitive person like me, all tis is very diffciult…how can some1 end things like tis…I thought relationships are to be valued….there’s nothing that cannot be fixed…until 2 people wan to fix it…I dnt know if my walking away was wrong…but everytime I sit back to wrong myself, I do not find a convincing answer for having stayed back…
I am once again experiencing the same pain…although this time, it wasn’t proper relationship that I shared with him, I still was true to him…we did spend sharing many things initially…I did want things to fall in place…I did see us both together lead a life…& I know its all over…he would never cum back…
The loneliness is draining me…I blame myself for getting into it & hurting myself again…I sumtimes feel I will be void of this love…Worse part is that I have had a role switch in my job & my current work is not occupying me fully (God, are you hearing!!! I do wan a job that totally occupies me)…& that is increasing my pain…I know I will heal…heal with time…but the process is not easy…
I wish he sits back one day & realizes…not to get back to me but because for a relationship, 2 ppl need to equally contribute….2 ppl need to be flexible…again, i don’t hold any hard feelings for him…but yes I am sad…m disappointed…m in pain & I wan to heal…

*Excuse me for making it tis long…