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Hey Inky, thanks for your quick reply and for the link!
Another problem I’m having is: I don’t know what I need to provide/have in order to have a relationship. I feel like I have nothing of value to offer. I think I’m quite attractive as I’ve had about 8-10 girls interested in me in the past but I still feel like a complete and utter failure with no value.
Multiple “online dating coaches” have also tried to tell me that guys have it worse in our dating culture. I think to a certain degree this is true. It’s way easier for a girl to find casual sex than for a guy. Mainly because there are waaaay more guys looking for casual sex than girls. This has caused me feel a certain resentment towards attractive women because they have something I seemingly cannot have.
Any advice?
Dear Tim,
Before you consider what you can offer, first be clear about what you want from a partner – and also you are only 22 – the hook up culture is more common in twenties and especially in certain societies. Secondly, when the relationship happens, you will figure out what you need to offer when it happens – right now, over-analysis of this won’t help.
The irony is you need to understand that there is nothing wrong with you and the right person will appreciate who you are just the way you are. All this dress better, wear xyz perfume, be macho shit advice is just extra layer on the basic cake – the problem is your belief that the basic cake sucks. If you think that’s the problem, no woman will be able to change that. One of my exes wasn’t conventionally good looking at all in fact but what I adored about him was the fact that he was very chilled out about it and treated me well, he didn’t let his insecurities color his perception so much.
Lastly, try getting dates through your common network of family and friends. I know that sounds cliché but it may work better compared to the current online problemyou u are facing.
it’s not the end of the world if you don’t find a girl ASAP, what matters is meeting the right person for you – truth be said, I always take internet advice with a pinch of salt. Work on yourself and the underlying issues which are unique to you.
Regards,
Nina
Dear Tim,
I am glad I cheered you up a bit 🙂 you being introverted isn’t a bad thing at all – most guys I know are kinda reserved in the first appearance and then they eventually open up – I like the introverts because of the deep conversations I have had with them and well, I am one too haha…extroverts are awesome too to liven things up and push one outside their comfort zone.
Well you are right. An introvert will have to make some effort to interact and open up. I think it will be very beneficial if you could work on being more open – not just to find a partner but rather to feel more comfortable in live interactions.
It’s simply a matter of time and place I think. If you want, watch this movie called “before sunrise” – there is another movie called “before zunset” and then “before midnight”
You will learn quite a bit about how introverts work in love and about relationships as they progress.
You will meet the girl when the time is right. I have this odd belief about the universe after 3 experiences so far in most unexpected ways – keep yourself open, positive and with a clear head.
Internet often has lot of biased advice for the same issue, so don’t take it to heart entirely if something super negative is there.
What’s your ideal girlfriend like? If there was something that interested you, what would it be?
Regards,
NinaThese guys are not offering the “truth” as there is no “truth”. They are offering you their perspectives, the way they do things and think about things. If you don’t like them, if they don’t resonate with you, then go a different way.
And you already know what that way is. A way in which you are a kind person who creates mutually beneficial relationships. Sounds goddamn awesome to me!
As for self esteem … probably part of the reason you’ve probably become depressed is because you’ve been reading self help books that tell you that you need to think positive thoughts about yourself and think you’re great, and it matters what you think.
Do you know what the problem with those books and that philosophy is?
You are NOT your thoughts!
Those books are coming from the mistaken point of view that the content of thoughts is hugely important. But they miss the really important thing: thoughts are not reality. Thoughts do not describe reality, they are just ideas you are creating in your mind. But they’re not “true”. You cannot be “bad” or “good” in reality – “nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so” – Shakespeare. I recommend you practise mindfulness meditation and check out videos by Eckhart Tolle and Noah Elkrief. You will come to realize that you are not your thoughts, that thoughts are not reality, and so instead of replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts, how about you just forget about placing importance on thoughts altogether, and tune into something far bigger, far more important, so much more powerful – yourself. Beyond thinking.
BTW, perspective is everything. You sound like you think you’ve failed and wasted time. I read your post and I genuinely thought “awesome! This person has developed so much clarity around how they want their relationships to be, by going down a path that didn’t suit them and seeing how much it didn’t fit them. That is really valuable information they have learned.” As for the self help and self improvement stuff, it probably has been useful, but you need to go beyond it. It’s not that there’s not useful information in those books – there is – but I think you need to take all you’ve learned, practiced and utilized and now discover the importance of going beyond associating thought and thinking with reality. You’ll probably find there’s stuff in those books (and that PUA stuff) that comes in useful later on down the line once you better know how you can use it in a way that suits YOU, and with a broader framework of knowledge, understanding and a quality of being grounded.
I cannot seem to post anything and I dont know why.
Do you mean that you resent attractive women because they can easily have casual sex and you can’t?
Sadly, yes to a certain degree. And I hate myself for it. I dont want to do that. But that’s what the Internet tells me and I cannot prevent myself from believing it just a little bit. I was told that “the dating market” is unfair towards men and that attractive women will always have the freedom of choice and have advantages that men dont get.
Also, my real name is Tim. I posted this text earlier on a chat room and used a pseudonym but I feel like in this community I should be honest from the ground up because you all seem like really nice people 🙂 Would it be possible to somehow edit my first post so that there is no confusion about it? I cannot seem to edit it anymore, sadly.
But what also happens is that people who are prone to questioning themselves (myself included) see themselves being written about in these “black and white” pieces, and feel even worse. Try your best to not do that to yourself. It’s not easy, I know.
Thanks for reading.
Thank YOU for replying! Yeah, I feel like I really do that. But also, I’m nowhere near perfect. I value the opinion of others way too much and lose my self esteem because of it. And because I have no self esteem, I project everybodys problems onto me. A vicious cycle.
Tim
What’s your ideal girlfriend like? If there was something that interested you, what would it be?
Probably a little bit like me. Shy, introverted, likes to spend the Friday evening at home cooking together and enjoying the moment 🙂
You will meet the girl when the time is right.
I’m a little scared of waiting for that though. What if it never happens?
// Edit: Yay, finally a post of mine came through! I tried to reply atleast 5 or 6 times already and it didnt work. Sorry to let you guys wait!
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